Anxiety Is My Life...

 I have had depression for as long as I can remember. In my earlier years it was the sick, hopeless feeling during dinners, and not wanting to be around other children. As I grew up, and experienced more crappy life, I began to develop generalized anxiety disorder, and OCD. I was diagnosed with OCD in 2007, after being confronted about my obsessive list of times I would feed my daughter, how much I would feed her and when she had a dirty diaper. I obsessed for months after finding out I was OCD. I really had no clue. But as I began to obsess about it, I realized that my whole life has been crowded with my obsessive thinking. I can have a conversation, brush my teeth, eat, watch a movie, or walk down the street without obsessing over what I'm doing and what others see. I hate getting into arguments because they turn into battles in my own head of two viewpoints trying to explain themselves and i get into such detail in my mind that I end up confused and frustrated. I have always had a strange need to pick and scratch at my head. As I got older and developed pimples I would constantly sit in front of the mirror popping, poking, and squeezing. I have scars to remind me now, yet I still continue to do this every frickn night. I picked at my kids mercilessly when they were babies. Heaven forbid there be a bugger in their nose, or something in their ear or craddle crap on their head. 

Anyway the hardest thing for me to get over about being diagnosed with OCD was that I don't have rituals really. I don't have a spotless house, I have a messy car, and I don't care usually. But when I do clean it has to be a certain way. I don't count, redo things, or check. I just obsess in my mind. For hours before I go to bed, and every minute of the day.

I got over this mostly and am able to accept my OCD. Lexapro helps. But starting a month ago I began to experience Panic Attacks. I get anxiety attacks occasionally, they are manageable. When I had my first Panic Attack, I thought I was having a heart attack. I started to feel fuzzy and voices sounded far away. I felt lightheaded and my heart started to pound. I thought it was going to pound through my chest! I got sweaty, chills and flushed, and dizzy. I felt extreme fear, and my obsessive thoughts went nuts. Was I having a heart attack or an ambulance would have to pick me up at work in front of everyone, or i would faint, or die. It's so cliche but I went to the ER, had an EKG and a chest x-ray. They found nothing and sent me home withlorazepam. I prayed it would not happen again and avoided going to work for a week, because that's where it happened. Now a month later, it happens again, in class! I am afraid it will keep happening and will happen in public again. I feel the urge to avoid work and quit the career I am pursueing.

dieinglists dieinglists
22-25, F
3 Responses Feb 11, 2010

I gotta say that the avoidance factor I am TOTALLY sympathetic with. I have struggled with anxiety for years and years. People find it hard to believe that it can start so early but it really does. I'm only 21 and have dealt with it my whole life it seems. It really is awful to feel like you can't go to work or school, like you can't go out with friends, or like you can't do the things you love because you're just too scared and nervous. I don't really have any advice, as I'm trying to conquer some of the same things you are but...I can say that my heart goes out to you. I hope we both figure it out. :)

Hey i would suggest if you have a employee assistance program through your work or insurance to go to therapy for this. Also exercise helps alot with anxiety. Also do deep breathing and give yourself ten minutes. It has been proven that if the deep breathing goes on you can change physiology of "the anxiety" by gettting more oxygen into your body. It has been a proven fact. Also learn about mindful meditation. I find this very helpful. take care

Hey i would suggest if you have a employee assistance program through your work or insurance to go to therapy for this. Also exercise helps alot with anxiety. Also do deep breathing and give yourself ten minutes. It has been proven that if the deep breathing goes on you can change physiology of "the anxiety" by gettting more oxygen into your body. It has been a proven fact. Also learn about mindful meditation. I find this very helpful. take care