Ever Since 5th Grade...

My head's been a little...out there if you know what I mean. No, I don't have any mental problems, it's different than that. I'd been homeschooled from 1st to 4th grade, so I felt really weird going to public school. My mom got a new job and started working more, so she didn't have much time to teach me or my brother anymore. And so it was settled, I went into 5th grade and my brother went into 2nd. It was around this time, when I first started going to school, that I started thinking differently. I quickly became a HUGE perfectionist, turning every little thing in and always trying to be the one kid who the teacher liked the most. I was a huge teacher's pet back then. Anyway, when I got sick towards the end of March that year, it was the end of the world for me. That meant I'd have loads of make-up work to do, and that overwhelmed me beyond belief. I started worrying about every little thing, and having panic attacks...I guess you could call them. I had the flu, so I threw up one time in the morning, and was terrified of ever doing it again. It scared the crap out of me, since I never even remembered the last  time I threw up before that. So I'd get totally freaked out every time I felt the slightest feeling of nausea. I was literally turning into an emotional and physical wreck. My mom tried to calm me down, but I was always stressing and freaking about EVERY little thing. So by the time I was better, she took me to a doctor she'd been seeing for awhile. My mother's always suffered from stress, and was on medication for it back then. So she brought me to...I think her name was Dr. Estrada? And she was totally nice to me, of course, since I was only 10. And I even surprised myself, telling her the total truth. And, to my dismay, she put me on a very small dose of Zoloft. In case you've never heard of it, Zoloft is a medication for anxiety. Yes, that's what I'd been diagnosed with then. Anxiety. The word seemed so weird, so foreign to me, even now as I type it brings back vivid memories that I'll never forget. And so, I began suffering about a week later, one scary side effect. I started sleepwalking. All the time, anytime. Who knows how often. I didn't people always told me. If I slept over at a friend's house, or, if I even simply walked into my mom's room like I did one time. She asked me what was wrong, and I replied with "Ask her," she told me. I merely laugh about it now. I don't remember the slightest bit of that. Eventually though, I panicked more and more, and my anxiety got worse. So, I was put on a larger dose of Zoloft. Consequently, I thought I was going crazy, and I hated being on medication. I wanted to get off of it, to prove nothing was wrong with me. But I couldn't at that given time, so I continued to take it. Finally, midway through my 6th grade year, I was taken off of Zoloft. I still remained very distant from others. I was always really quiet at school, and acted totally different at home. So I bet people at school thought I was mute or something lol! It wasn't until 7th grade that I started talking at all, and that was because people starting talking to me, and I made many friends through out 8th grade, and am currently a freshman, and am proud to say I'm not on any medication. Although, I do experience a different form of anxiety. You could call it social anxiety, a state where I don't talk to people first, I always like it only if people talk to me. I figure they really don't want to talk to me if they don't talk right away sometimes, and deep down I know that's wrong. So, I'm not perfect, but I'm surviving. I'm a totally normal high schooler, making it through. And I suppose I have God to thank for that. Even though I still get social anxiety, it's NOTHING compared to the way I used to be. Thank you Lord

Shopaholikk77 Shopaholikk77
18-21, F
Feb 27, 2010