A Burden That Can't Be Lifted

As I lay here at this moment, I should be happy. The keyword of course is that I should be. I'm spending the weekend with my boyfriend and this is special to me since I don't get to see him as much due to our long distance relationship. Why aren't I happy? It's my mind. My mind is the reason why I'm unhappy. It's a never-ending cycle of negative thoughts and worries. I have so many paranoia's and concerns. I can't shut it off. I can never shut it off. I should be sleeping in his arms right now but I can't. Instead I'm crying and can't even imagine falling asleep at this point. I have so much anxiety right now and there are so many reasons why I do. One reason is connected to college. I'm trying to get into the art education major at the moment and there are so many requirements and so many courses that I need to pass in order to do so. I don't feel like I can do it. I can never focus on my school work. How can I when I have to deal with a lot. The fear of getting evicted can never leave my mind. I'm so scared that one day when I return from college that I won't have a home. This has happened to me once before when I had just got back from visiting my father for the weekend. I walked in only to see all my belongings in boxes and my mom crying. I should have seen it coming though since lately all I've heard is the landlord screaming at my mom for not having the rent money. This happened 10 years ago but I can't let it go. I can never let the bad things that have happened to me go. I fear they'll never leave.

Anyway, now I fear eviction because my uncle has threatened to evict us for the past 8 years. Oh well. If I end up on the streets what can I do right? If only I could think that way. Also I'm worried that my mom will lose the only job she has which isn't very reliable to begin with since it's freelance work. This leads to my next worry which is will I be able to afford college next semester? Will I be able to make the grade? Will I ever stop caring about what others think of me? Will I ever believe in myself? Usually the answer to all this questions would be no. I can't. How can I? I have so many obstacles in my way with a mind set on me failing. I can't control my thoughts. I've tried but it doesn't seem to work. My heart is pounding, I'm fading in and out, my hands are starting to shake and this of course is nothing out of the ordinary. This happens almost on a day to day basis. I can't control it. I never have control with the things that happen in my life. I might end up having a panic attack. I don't want to wake up my boyfriend so I hope I don't but who knows. All I know is I need to go now before I can't type anymore. I just wish I could get rid of this burden placed in my life. I never asked for it. It was relentlessly given to me due to all the horrors I faced back from when I was six years old up until now. I just want it to go away. Please go away. Please.

HCTS HCTS
18-21, F
2 Responses Mar 6, 2010

The mind is so powerful and it can be our biggest enemy. I envy people that are in touch with themselves. I am sorry about what you're going through. I have anxiety to the max as well and it really sucks the quality of life out. There is help though, we just have to find it. Don't give up :)

It's never good to know that so many other people have similar issues...My mind is the same exact way. It's a horrible thing to have to deal with all the time. I wish people didn't have to go through it. :(