Endless Problems

Hello everyone, 

For about a year, I have suffered from a laundry list of symptoms that are related to anxiety.  Said symptoms have drastically altered my life and the way my family and friends see me.  Here they are and please post if you have experienced similar problems and how you coped with them.

First a timeline.

The anxiety has always run in my family.  I remember from a very early age, around 3 to 11 years old, being unable to concentrate and feeling uncontrollable worries.  The worrying, however, was infrequent and not alarming or overwhelming in any sense.  I simply chalked it up to youthfulness, but as the anxiety continued, I decided that it was something more, perhaps something that needed to be treated.  

During my junior high years, I was bullied relentlessly by my peers.  They called me a *****, a ***, and gay for reasons I still haven't quite figured out.  They did other stuff that really made me feel victimized and isolated and being mistreated by them left me feeling lonely and suicidal, and thats when I slipped into a flurry of panic attacks and coupled with long bouts with depression.  I would punch holes in the wall, think about how to kill myself, and I thought I may literally be going insane.  I worried about being hauled off to a funny farm and never seeing my family again.  I would, for no imminent reason, pound my head against the wall or enter into a fit of rage that would culminate in me crying my eyes out.  I kept it all bottled up and didn't even think about telling my parents.  At the time, I was naive and I didnt think they would know how to handle my problems, so I put on a show and pretended everything was fine, which was not easy.  I nearly lost it, but thats when high school started and the bullying stopped.  

I remember freshman year sailed along smoothly without many personal problems outside of a breakup with a girlfriend.  Sophomore year had its rough patches.  I felt dejected, but not anxious as I tried to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, who I am, and how to cope with my irrational and unpredictable mood swings.  Junior year was great and free of anxiety.  I applied myself in school, earned good grades, and made what has turned out to be a close friend.  During my senior year, I took rigorous classes, but I felt emotionally stable, like I had finally formed the foundation I was searching for.  I associated with a small but loyal group of friends, and we enjoyed each other's company and conversation.   I graduated with honors, and thats when the list of symptoms that I describe below intensified.  The summer was fine, but these nagging symptoms kept causing difficulties that didn't get any easier to cope with as I started a new chapter in college.

1. Severe Brain Fog

No matter how hard I try, I cannot concentrate or learn new things well.  I am constantly in this state of confusion.  I cannot focus worth a damn.  In conversations, I will feel lost and disconnected, which is unbearable and frustrating.  I feel cognitively thick, as if my IQ has dropped 40 points or so.  I am a freshman in college and fortunately, the brain fog has not affected my GPA or social life too drastically.  I make up for my "lost" intellect by applying grit, hard work, and determination in everything I do.  Also, I am not an idiot.  The one word that my friends and family consistently use to describe is intelligent.  But it is so frustrating when my memory decides it does not want to function and I lose the ability to think clearly and quickly.  Some days are better than others, I admit, but overall, the brain fog and memory loss associated with it have wreaked havoc on my everyday life.

2. Shortness of Breath/ Tightness in the throat

I find myself gasping for air, as if it is a commodity.  I dont have too much to say about this, only that it causes me to feel like I could choke or suffocate any minute.

3.  Chest Pressure

I feel like my heart could leap out of my chest at any given moment.  My heart races without warning.

4. Unrefreshing sleep

It usually takes my half a day to "snap out" of the intense sleepiness and drowsiness that I wake up to every morning.  

5. Seemingly involuntary fidgeting 

I fiercely tap my fingers on tables, doors, etc. against my own will.  I cant stop myself.

6. A song or rhythm playing in my head that refuses to be quieted.


Note: I have spoken with multiple doctors and they all recommended anxiety meds and counseling.  I am not wild about medication because my family's genes have not mixed well with prescription drugs.  

blackflag716 blackflag716
1 Response Mar 8, 2010

Have you spoken with a doctor? There are things they can do to help you.