Scared Of Losing It Again

I've delt with anxiety and depression most of my life. I have abandonment issues because of my father and other serious issues because of my mother. Add in a few different types of abuse when I was very young and now I'm a constant emotional mess.

I'm scared of people in general. I don't like being judged, I don't take it very well. I'm also scared of getting close to anyone because I know that they'll find some way to use me and when they're done, they'll leave me. This anxiety is fueled by a very low self worth that I have a hard time keeping off the floor.

I never really understood what it was when I was younger. I was constantly scared of everything. As I hit my teen years it got worse, blossoming into panic attacks on a regular basis. I found some drugs to be very helpful, but the only thing that seemed to stop the panic attacks was hurting myself. I'm not very proud of it but I did the best I could. No one else knew about these problems, I did what I could to hide them and just ended up coming across as a very strange person.

I wound up with someone who enabled me completely. He took away the drugs and drinking, which I thank him for, but replaced them with himself. Every time I was even slightly nervous about something he did it for me. For months I was scared to death of driving, so he drove me everywhere. I was scared of leaving the house, so he didn't make me. If we needed anything, he'd do it. He didn't know about my problems, or at least not the extent. He just thought I wasn't feeling well, or he believed the handful of excuses I would toss around.

Last year we moved in to our own place. We'd been living with his family before that. I didn't realize how bad I had gotten...one of my biggest issues is being alone at night, but it hadn't been a problem for so long. Even if he had to work at night, his family was there, so I wasn't really alone. I started having panic attacks again, I'd go crazy being there alone and there was nothing I could do about it. I finally broke down and told him all of it.

We were having other serious problems at the time too, but I had no where else to turn. He made me promise to tell him the next time I was having a panic attack. The next day he left to work the night shift and it started again. A couple of hours after he left I felt like I was going to die. I call him crying, hyperventilating...he rushed home just to tell me he couldn't deal with it any more. He kicked me out.

Its a year later and I'm so stupid. He fought to get me back and I gave him. Now here we are again...we've been in our new place for five days. His new job requires him to work the night shift. His first day is today. Tonight will be my first night alone in a year. The last time I was alone he kicked me out. I can't stop thinking about that. I've been doing so well, I had a grip on most of my anxiety issues...

I've been able to drive, which has always been one of my bigger fears. Two weeks ago, I drove four hours just to meet someone. I could have never done that before. I went shopping at walmart too, which big stores have always set me off. I'm able to do things on my own. But this was all before he got here. Now I feel like I constantly need someone holding my hand and it makes me so sick.

My stomach is in knots worrying about tonight.

Morrighan Morrighan
22-25, F
3 Responses Mar 15, 2010

Hey, <br />
I just wanted to say I'm sorry that you have those problems. I have a bunch of my own problems to, mine started when I was younger. Pretty mutch when I was born. My dad is not a good dad. Infact he has been trouble, i have not seen him in over ten years. i know he doesn't live far from me. that's about all I know. I have problems with depression as well. It is not easy going through life. there is way more but tha should do. just saying I can understand.

Thank you Vulcan, last night wasn't nearly as bad as I had feared. I just had to keep myself occupied and every time I started getting a little nervous I'd exchange a few txts with friends to remember that I'm really not alone. I'm really proud of myself, I think I'm moving in the right direction.

Hi,<br />
Firstly im sorry to hear that you have had these problems and I hope one day you find an answer to them. Through my own personal experience of years of panic attacks I have found my solution is basically to forget drugs, they never cured me, just delayed the inevitable fact that I have to deal with things head on, on my own. Which leads on the fact that once I was able to stop running to others for help, I was then able to control my emotions for myself and not because of what others may say or do. i hope you find your own path through this horrible condition, I hold my own hand now when I get scared, maybe that’s why I have two.