I Don't Know If I'm An Aspie

Everytime i read about people with asperger's I feel at home. I've allways had a feeling of being kind of "outside" of everything that other peolpe do.
I started getting severe depressions and panic attacks about 20 years ago, which I struggled my way through for years without medication, and got somewhat better. Since 7 years back I've been on Flouxetine ( = Prozac ) which has helped a lot. But I still can't travel far from my home without anxiety or panic. Definitely no airplanes or longer trips by train or boat. If/when I arrive at an environment I'm not used to I feel extremely uncomfortable. It's hard to explain. Everything just feels strange, kind of unreal. And totally unsafe.
Recently - a couple of years ago - I was diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder) and it rather fits.... but not quite.
The first time I started suspecting I have asperger's was when I read about the difficulties with eye contact that seem to be common for people with AS. To me it's very painful to look another person in the eye. I have to force myself to it, and I basically do it just because it seems that it's expected of me. Sometimes - selldom - I enjoy eye contact. That is if I talk to someone whom I share some very specific interest with, or that I at that moment feel some kind of very unusual understanding with. I try hard to seem normal. Or "tried" maybe I should say; nowadays I'm not that afraid of being "un-normal" anymore.
When I was a kid I was very quiet. Was very uncomfortable sleeping away from home. I played the piano and occupied myself with jig-zaw puzzles and Lego. Today I am a musician and composer. I have allways been totally dependant on trying to create something unique and ordering it, or putting things like puzzles, or puzzle-type computer games in order. Composing music fills that need aswell, as a big part of it is organizing, sorting, categorizing, building unity with small parts.
I can't be too much with other people. Not even my wife and kids. If more than a couple of weeks pass without me being able to find complete solitude for a couple of days, I start getting confused and stressed out. A lot of anxiety and frustration about just about everything - future plans, ambivalence about work, relations etc - build up. I actually have no idea if this last thing is a typical asperger thing, maybe I'm in the wrong place writing my story in this group.
I really would like to know if there are other people out there that experience similar things. Especially: Since every person (my wife, my mother and my doctor) that I have mentioned these thought to have said "Oh no, you don't have asperger's. I have seen people with asperger's and that's something totally different, you're not like that..." I'm not sure what to think. But as I wrote initially here I feel at home reading about other peoples experiences of asperger's. Isn't it possible to have mild asperger's?
I'm also very intelligent, and learn things like maths and computer programming extremely easily.
Anyway, hope I'm not intruding to this group - I mean, not being sure if "I have Asperger's Syndrome". The thing is, honestly I feel rather sure of it, but have to get it examined properly.
muminman muminman
41-45, M
6 Responses Jul 13, 2010

Hi there,<br />
weather you "have it" or not is almost irrelevent, if you feel solace being involved in aspies groups then by all means go ahead!<br />
I looked into aspergers for the same reasons...though if yours is considered mild, then mine is non-existant!<br />
But it helps me feel better as asperger sufferers are the only ones who seem to "get" the feelings...!<br />
Have you tried meditation? i think self-help is very useful ("mind over matter"), over a time things improved for me just analyzing the reasons why i feel this way and what i can do to change or improve the situation in future. <br />
Hope that helps.

Hi there,<br />
weather you "have it" or not is almost irrelevent, if you feel solace being involved in aspies groups then by all means go ahead!<br />
I looked into aspergers for the same reasons...though if yours is considered mild, then mine is non-existant!<br />
But it helps me feel better as asperger sufferers are the only ones who seem to "get" the feelings...!<br />
Have you tried meditation? i think self-help is very useful ("mind over matter"), over a time things improved for me just analyzing the reasons why i feel this way and what i can do to change or improve the situation in future. <br />
Hope that helps.

I can identify with a certain amount of things here as well. I hate to 'relocate' quite simply because there are to many unknown 'Variables' in a location that is 'new' to me,for example; Personal safety,are there a large number of violent criminals in the area? Does the area have sufficent transportation [city buses] How safely do the people drive? And other things as well. Once I have been in an area long enough to find the 'lay out of the land' then I begin to build up enough confidence to move about comfortably there. this is a process for me though,and so, unless 'forced' to relocate,I would rather not do so. Muminman, what class of music do You compose,does it blend a complex set of harmonics to creat a 'symphony' or is the music simpler?

nice story/comments

Thank you both, gbollard and aussieman!<br />
I have made the quiz gbollard linked to and I got 144/200 Aspie and 79/200 NT score.... "You are very likely an aspie"<br />
<br />
I also visited life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com and read a lot there. Very very good blog. It helps me alot to read that.<br />
<br />
Will continue checking in here. Great to know that there are other people who might function in a similar way as myself.<br />
<br />
All the best

You asked if it were possible to have "mild aspergers". The answer is NO. Aspergers is a difference in the brain, you either have it or you don't.<br />
<br />
BUT<br />
<br />
It's possible to be more mildly affected by your aspergers than others. For example, I'm mostly deaf. My limited hearing works in my favour to reduce environmental stimuli. I don't get as overloaded as some aspies simply because I receive less stimuli. <br />
<br />
Everyone is an individual and there's nobody who is simply "a person with aspergers". All of our co-conditions, environmental factors and other experience combine to make our reactions to stimuli different. You obviously have higher anxiety than I do but I'll wager that my OCD is worse than yours.<br />
<br />
Your wife and doctors have seen people with aspergers. They haven't seen "everyone" with aspergers. It's hard to say whether or not you have it but it's obvious that you won't be 100% the same as anyone who does.<br />
<br />
You might want to have a go of the aspie quiz. It will help you to see how many aspie traits you have.<br />
<br />
See: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php