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Looking For A Label

I suspect that I have Asperger's. I've struggled SO MUCH my entire life.

When I was little I knew something was wrong with me but I didn't know exactly what. I just know that I felt different from other kids. I would observe how they socialized with each other and I would get so frustrated with myself because I couldn't seem to find words in my heart whenever someone would try to talk to me! I was pretty quiet in elementary school and I made straight A's all the way up to 6th grade. During that time school was relatively easy to me because the work was boring and easy and even thought I was quiet I still had friends ("built-in" friends who grew up with me in my neighborhood). When I was in middle school my teachers had me tested for something (it could have been Autism or something else but I don't remember). I remember this lady came to my school and asked me all these questions. In hindsight I knew my teachers were trying to figure out the reason behind my extreme intelligence. I had the highest grade in my entire grade and at the end of the year I won the most awards. I only say this because some people would make fun of me but I knew I was smart so that helped me to feel good about myself! I would read for hours on end an by the end of the year I had read almost every children's fictions book in my middle school's library. Instead of going outside to play after school I would just read and read. But I did show other signs of something being wrong.

In middle school I had a really tough time with overeating, particularly sweets. I would eat sweets all the time! In one of my classes we had a special bin that had snacks in it that we could win for different challenges and games. I can remember sneaking into my classroom during recess and eating as much sweets as I can until the other students came back. It seemed perfectly normal to me then but now I just feel embarrassed about it!

My life got really bad in high school. I ended up going to a gifted school so I didn't know anyone and the workload was a lot heavier than I had ever experienced. I was so frustrated in high school because my grades started suffering and I went from making straight A's to Cs and Ds and it really effected my self-esteem because making good grades gave me self confidence when I didn't fit in with the other kids. In high school I stopped talking completely. I can remember only saying 10 words or less some days. It got to the point where one of my teachers anonymously referred me to the school counselor and she asked me if I was doing drugs or alcohol and I wasn't! Lunch was the hardest part of the day and most days I would hide in the bathroom until lunch was over. I never told my family about it but I just suffered in silence.

After 15 years of living in the same city my whole life my family moved. This was extremely traumatizing to me. I had to go to a new high school and be in a new city. I started having nightmares REALLY bad every night and getting no sleep. High school was pure hell, plain an simple. I was going to a public high school for the first time in my life and I realized that they are not as understanding as students @ gifted schools because the gifted students know what it's like to not fit in, where as most people at public schools don't. I would sit by myself everyday at lunch in the corner of the cafeteria. It was soo hard! People would throw food at me and sometimes same mean things to me right in my face! I cried myself to sleep almost every night for three whole years
OceanUndertow OceanUndertow 22-25, F Feb 13, 2012

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