The Ramblings Of A Madman

Upon further internal investigation, I feel compelled to get my ideas out there. In no way can I say for certain you will be able to clearly relate, keep up with my ramblings, or even read this entire post.

I am realizing that if I do not have intellectual stimulation, I start to feel like a zombie. A drone, if you would, going through the motions, blending in with society, and empty. Bar nights, drinking, singing, conversing with absolutely no substance or meaning. At the same time you cannot help but notice all the people ignoring the concerns in which your mind, you can't help but wonder how they can not care. Not to cast off judgement, but they are the ones that seem so naive. So clueless to what we are actually here for. Even though I don't know for sure why I am the way I am, or what our purpose on this earth is, it makes me feel like an outcast. Driving in the car, I often look at the person driving next to me and want to know their story. How did you get to where your at? How can you afford such a nice car? Why on earth would you spend that kind of money on a car? Why do you feel the need to flaunt colored paper with a number on it? Do you have a philosophy on life that I have not yet encountered? I guess, I will never know the "secret" of being an ant in a colony. I will never grasp the concept I suppose.

The anxiety that something is changing in this world, and you can't tell if it is a good thing or bad. Your optimism blinds you to the fact of this, you can't help but think that humans really can't be that bad can they? How can people not think? How do they just blissfully ignore the fact that they are ALIVE? Life in all it's subtle glory.

I feel overwhelmed when I see the city, all the cars, all the people, all the advertisements and I can't help but feel as if I am in the wrong place at the wrong time. I am not supposed to be here. The "in the body - out of body experiences" Almost like someone has taken over and confused my mind. I suppose that is what over-stimulation feels like? When you just want to shut down and your mind goes blank? When I think of people saying their baby is over-stimulated and that is why they are crying. What exactly is being over-stimulated? Should I just cry so people will know that I am? But there are so many reasons for crying.

Frustration is my main reason. I cannot explain what feeling frustrated feels like, but I do know it is physical for me. My stomach turns into a knotted rope. My brain feels like it is about to explode. When I cannot understand the actions of someone, or why they said what they said, not only does this frustration set in, but it also feels like I am banging my head on a pole, over and over and over again. I am waiting for my brain to wrap around the damn thing. It almost never does, after hours or even a day or two, obsessing about the same topic, coming up with two thousand different reasons on why, I have to let it go. I know this.

Maybe I should be putting this in a blog, not as a story. I don't know. Maybe I am just different, that I don't have AS. I am just different without anyone who feels the same.

Quarter life crisis? Self-awakening? Self-realization?

This investigation is not over, it has only picked up where I left i
ctav85 ctav85
31-35, F
4 Responses May 9, 2012

This was such an interesting read. I don't have Asperger's Syndrome but I find it very interesting. Thank you for posting this. It's nice to have some insight.

great post

It's the ant in the colony metaphor you used that I particularly understood. I used to say that if I had a choice between a poorly paid job I loved and a well paid job I hated, then I'd go for the poorly paid one every time. I stopped saying that, when I realised I wasn't even making a choice - I was simply incapable of doing the job I hated.

Maybe the anxiety isn't about the world changing, maybe it is realizing that you can't change with the world.