I Feel Isolated

Ok, i have expressed my displeasure for the label "aspergers" but the personality type it covers is a whole different story.

I never understood most of what people did or said, dancing: "just move to the music" they didnt understand when i asked "how" or "try to be more aware of other people's feelings" again, asking "how" didnt seem to get me anywhere.

Now, i am smart, I've always been smart, its what I have always pointed to so for as long as i remember, i have tried to figure out people, all these things people do and say, and why they do and say them, what the point of them is, how to copy them, or enjoy them myself, and for the most part, apart from gaining a serious hatred for all the stupid self-contradictory societal rules, i have succeeded, i can dance, i can converse, i can tell what people are feeling and why (most of the time) but its all just learned behaviours.

I feel like Dexter Morgan (since the show is named after him saying which show the character comes from seems pointless) i don't want to kill people, but i feel like i am just going through learned behaviours, and not really letting people see me, in fact, im not sure any more how i would be myself around others any more, it may be exhausting playing normal, but its automatic now. I let myself show through as much as possible, but if i were really being myself, i would not be the confident, social, outgoing member of my group, which somehow i seem to have become.

My greatest pleasures in social situations now is to occasionally just do what i really want to in those social situations, damn the rules, which usually involves childish jokes like untying shoelaces, or putting silly songs on the jukebox, or trying to stop others being so afraid of the rules, if i can master social rules, and how to chat with girls, they damn well should be able to.

I must admit the social challenge is fun sometimes though, i often enjoy putting myself in awkward social situation just to see if i can get out of it again. I figure if i have to play by the social rules the least i can do is make a game out of it.

Oh, i forgot my original point.. :P happens a lot.  My point is that now matter how much fun i can squeeze out of all this pretending, it still leaves me feeling like i am separated from the world, and i think that in part is why i hate being single so much, the idea of having someone important i can be myself with, and be close to is nice after all this separation and pretence.
MrWinstonSmith MrWinstonSmith
26-30, M
5 Responses Dec 14, 2012

You sound like you have a handle on the situation.Merry Xmas !

You'd be surprised that when you are yourself you'll find people who will accept you for who you are, another aspie or nt. It may confuse an nt a little but if I knew, I'd just want him to be himself and accept him for it.

Nothing worse than hanging out with conformist believe me.

my friends aren't conformists, some are down right bizarre, problem is that all the social rules and chatting is so easy for them, I may look like I'm enjoying the chatting and joking, but it really is a challenge. But I enjoy their company enough to try. I feel I have to do the chit chat and jokes and stuff, not to fit in, but to maintain my part of the social agreement of "friendship" and as for surrounding myself with other aspies, how will i get anywhere in life by avoiding a challenge? I never avoid a challenge.

Please stop pretending because people who are worth your time will appreciate you for who you are.Look for others to hang with that have aspergers.

Oh, you sound so sweet and smart .I get everything you are saying and my daughter has expressed your same feelings.She is 21 years old and pretty and often people approach her but than realize she is different.She has the biggest heart and wants to find friends and has had boyfriends but they all have hurt her until she recently meant a young man with aspergers and they talk now a great deal. It seems to me that you are not alone.There seems to be a large community like yourself that are struggling.Hang in there a be yourself, you will find people who will love you for yourself.My daughter keeps saying where are all the quirky people mom.I say everywhere...because the people who think you are quirky and avoid you are such boring people that have no imagination what so ever.I would rather read a book !