I'm A 30 Year Old Aspergian Child! (and I Feel Way Too Old For This)

My name is Alana, I'm 30 years old and I found out a couple months ago that I have asperger's (not officially diagnosed because doctors and therapists are all EVIL IDIOTS). Accepting it was extremely difficult for me (as I am a very rigid thinker), and when it finally made sense I had a very trippy audio-visual meltdown in my brain. It was like in "A Clockwork Orange" with eyes forced open watching an unstoppable video of all the clips of "30 Years Worth of Very Worst of Alana!" in my mind, reliving all the most spectacular aspie moments of my life all at once. It lasted for WEEKS. During these weeks of realizations followed by internal video clips, my grandmother died and I had to take a trip on a plane, during which I had a VERY DIFFICULT time keeping my **** together enough to get through security at airports (which I have only found to be evil since 9/11). More difficult than air travel, were the family gatherings (certain members of my family are high in the running for loudest people on earth, and they were present and all yelling at once on top of making me cook dinner for all 10 of em) and graveside service. I had numerous panic attacks and I felt like my heart was going to explode inside my body 90%of the time the 5 days i had to be home. During that same 5 days I fell out with my father. He so completely missed the point of all the AS information I gave him, that he told me that, once and for all, i needed to stop inconveniencing others with my sensitivities. Having lost my father, with whom I have always been close, continues to be the most painful thing that has ever taken place in my life.

Since my self-diagnosis I have been doing reading about neurodiversity, autism and related disorders, of which I have many, including hypersensitivity (touch, vision, sound, smell, taste, the lot), anxiety disorder, mild ocd, and sensory processing problems, as well as depression, alcoholism (which runs in the family, but I think of as a symptom of my neurological weirdness now), and fibromyalgia.

Since childhood i have been a loner, not always by choice, but often. I am gifted in english and other languages, in music, art, and cooking and completely useless at math (can't read an analog clock and still count on my fingers-i do okay when math is applied as in cooking). I am very curious and deeply interested in all science (and talented in biology and physiology) but frustrated by the math challenges involved in things like chemistry. I would have probably studied medicine to become a surgeon if i hadn't been so intimidated by the prospect of math. I currently cook for a living, and I LOVE IT
because it uses all the senses and combines all arts and sciences. I am the consummate food geek.

I have a lover (I'm a 90%straight woman with a male brain-hate socializing with most women) but NO other friends, my guy is an aspie too and i'm very grateful to have a buddy to get through this with. I have always had a love/hate relationship with my aloneness. I just realized how much i've written here and feel like a total windbag. I could rattle on about myself for days, probably, but that's the gist.
alanadyson alanadyson
26-30, F
3 Responses Jan 7, 2013

I've never been diagnosed (I tend to break down in tears and not say anything in front of a therapist) but I can relate with a lot of what you say. I also love biology, cooking and chemistry. whether baking or trying something new like curry or goat stew I love mixing seasonings and making people happy with food! If you need to vent sometime send me a message!

Hey, I love English but I can't retain anything about Maths.
I think people are idiots.
I have also decided to love myself and put my happiness first.
Let's face it - I'm not getting any younger!
You are absolutely NOT a windbag by the way.
I enjoyed your story a lot and you could have written twice that amount and still have been appropriate!

Kind regards

Rod

I'm an Aspie too. Word problems are the most complicated things in math.