I Don'T Have It After AllI have tried to 'break out' socially a few times, each time I was able to maintain the mask for 6 months to 2 years at the longest, but each attempt ended in rejection and me slipping into isolation for years afterwards. I never felt like I really connected with any of the people I was hanging out with and I certainly never made any 'good friends'. When I was 15 I was so ****** up from being isolated and anti-social that I was diagnosed with a form of autism called Aspergers syndrome, the implication of such a diagnosis is that your born with a brain thats 'wired differently' and you'll never be able to socialize properly. I can't tell you how much that diagnosis messed with my self image, I was never so suicidal before in my life in the years after receiving the diagnosis. Plus having to go home to an extremely negative and isolated environment didn't help any, I sat around devastated that I couldn't socialize and I hated myself so much because I was told that I was born with a defective brain. Only about a year ago did I meet a psychologist who explained to me basically that the Aspergers high functioning autism diagnosis is a load of **** and people are handed out this diagnosis like candy. After thinking about it a long time I realized that the psychologists before that never took into consideration the extremely negative and unfruitful home environment I lived in my whole life prior and my bad experiences at school. Any kid that went through what I went through at a young age would have extremely low self esteem too, which results in poor eye contact, monotonous voice and awkward body language. But in my case these were symptoms of anxiety and fear, not autism.
So I don't have autism and my brain is perfectly normal, but nonetheless the implications of the diagnosis when I was younger left me with a very negatively distorted self image of unworthiness that lingers still. It's very hard for me to be see in the town that I live in because I have so many bad memories here, when I'm outside I have this anxiety that people that knew at one time about my problems might see me, 'that weird awkward screwed up anti social kid'. This anxiety is so strong that I won't even work in the town I live in. I go on the bus a few times a week to a much larger city some 30 miles away where I hang out when I want to get away. There's a lot of places to walk around and explore and I meet some cool people every now and then but still I don't really connect with anyone. I learned that this is from being held back by fear more than anything else, and that I can socialize completely normally with eye contact, facial ex
Sometimes I wonder how many other people there are out there that wrongly received this diagnosis, but just had very bad childhoods and lived in toxic environments.
Psychedelia 18-21, M 5 Responses 1 Feb 8, 2013