Why Bother?So, my friends and I meet up every sunday at my friend T--r's apartment for Video Game and Geek out night. My friend P--e brought his friend from out of town, A--a.
She clicked well with everyone. Plus i thought there was a connection between us. we both were buddhist, high IQ, video games , anime etc. she said she was a geek in training. She was someone i can be myself around and not have to restrict my speech when i'm in public. We made hilarious commentary to everything we watched. The best part was that we could talk for hours about anything and honestly I didn't think I could feel that way.
I have Aspergers Syndrome. I may have an IQ of 150 , but i can't read social cues. When i was a kid i would try to join in on conversations, but every word out of my mouth was rude even though that was not my intent.A big problem was getting along with people my own age because i was smarter than them and I thought that this is information should be known by everyone. So my only friends until middle school were adults. Since I'm not pervy to social dynamics and hidden meaning or "meta messages," dating would be a total waste of time. (or so i though until i met a--a and the one i won't mention yet 4 years ago)The only reason why i have high self confidence is that i'm aware that i have accomplished a lot in my life, but apparently not in any way to make me happy. There are other instances that are just like this one, but i'll save thos for later.
Any when I had to leave (i had to work the next morning) Not more than 20 minutes after I left and when T----r and p--e retired to their rooms(they're flat mates) G--g (another one of my "best friends" ) Had sex with her on T----r's couch.
I have grown a lot just for the sake of improving myself just to feel better and have highe self esteem. I'm 155lb 5'10 handsome( some people say i look like Jason Statham) 10% body fat ,I'm getting my Masters Degree ,i work out constantly, i cook , I make costumes. Yet every time there's a chance for me to make a real connection, I end up thinking that i succeeded, but end up dissapointed when they choose my friends. I love my friends, but only one has an incredible career. My other friends have no aspirations for their future, and they won't even bother finishing their AA or BA.
I'm I really sending bad vibes that i'm unaware of. Am I so inept at social interactions that girls find me repulsive. I've been single for almost 13 years and i've never recieved a Valentine that wasn't obligitory elementary school versions. I actually counted the number of times this has happend with my other acquaintances as well. 29 times i've been denied the opportunity of a relationship despite my inititive and advances.
If we're social being seeking validation and replication in a primative perspective, then why can't i make one connection. I've been through psychiatrists since i was 7, 20 years of this bullshit. Can't we just say that i'm flawed. Wouldn't it be doing humanity a favor if i didn't repliate myself through procreation just to safe my future children this pain. I can't win in any situation because i don't know how to conform to social mores and folklores. I think about dying every day because it's not worth. I get panic attacks now if i drive out of my county because i'd rather deal with the devils i know rather than the one's i don't. Panic attacks have always hindered me and have followed along with my deppression and frustration about how i can't be like everyone else.
I want to die, because the suffering is just cummulative and the light at the end of the tunnel is leads to a maze. There is no means to an end for my until i pull that trigger.
..i'm still pondering if ow one knew me, would i be a happier ( i know only i can make myself happy) but at least then i wouldn't get hurt again since i've gained enough knowledge about that