No Diagnosis

I'm not even in that group, but in the "I might have..."


I'd like to know what Aspies think about my situation. I'm very analytical, but I lack objectivity here. I think I might be a mild Asperger. I did some tests online for what they're worth, and I scored between 27-30 with the AQ, and 74% high-functioning. I'm not "categorized" as an Aspie. But who can really tell where's the limit? What's the limit? I see it more like a state, being something. 

What I can tell about childhood: I was alone, didn't get attached to my neighbor friend. I started to have friends or feel better with people by the age of 12. But not really better, maybe learnt to cope better. I was invited once at a birthday when I was 6, and I scared people. I've never been violent, but they said I had no facial expression. But I could have been very shy. I liked to do pretending game (why I don't know). As I grew up, I was never really disturbed to go around people. I spend lots of time alone reading. By 11, I got into astronomy. I'm not good at maths, but I have a sort vision, I see things in pictures, and imagine things three dimensionally. I've been both classified as gifted and weird. Gifted in languages. I think I'm quite fluent in English. I've never lived in a foreign country though. 

I have difficulties to deal with people. The vision they have of that world is distorted to me. I don't feel good among people unless they're few of them, and I know them well, and feel safe with them. I prefer to stay at home. I don't like to try new things, at least not physically. I love to read new things, and new ideas... on some topics at least, artistic or scientific. I don't like big emotions, and I can't deal with conflicts. I realize well now that I often look distant, aloof, and expressionless to others, but it's because I'm thinking often, I'm in my head. I'm very aware of the world in which I live, of people, and of wat they say when they talk. I'm just not so interested, and I have difficulty to focus if I'm not "into" it. I don't even want to talk about small talk. I'm not a diplomat. I have learnt to behave. I am educated. But I don't really get all these words to wrap craps. I go to the simpler "yes", "no". When I'm doing my searches on ipod and my partner talks to me, sometimes I groan to answer him. I'm aware of it. I don't hate people, I just feel so far away of them, or their social codes, though I understand why I should use them, I don't get them. 

I don't like big emotions, but I live them, but for things less sensitive people forget the minute after. I feel with the guts, not with the words. Lots of lights/luminosity can be disturbing or painful, I avoid stroboscopes. Loud noises can as well be painful. I was said have an above average hearing by the age of 5. My mother thought I was deaf because I didn't answer her. I extremely dislike to be touched by people I don't know, and with people I know it must be a certain way. I used to have a GAD (panics), now I don't have it, but I avoid the situations that can lead to that. The last time I had that it was last June, I was in the crowd, and I started to feel out of control and hyperventilating. I have insomnia, I'm neurotic to some degree (phobic). Maybe I'm only an HSP...

I can spend hours on my searches on the internet, or listening to music and day dreaming, or writing. Going to work and do something I don't like is exhausting, talking to people by politeness is exhausting. I really progressed on that, but it's just fake, and I hate that fake, but I don't feel I have the choice, if I want to work. Even when I'm at work, or talk to others, sometimes I can't help but thinking about the stuff I do out of work. I need space and time to adapt. Easy from others to say "be flexible", or "open up". They don't know how it feels. 


I've never had motor problems, not that I know. A poor handwriting, but I'm mixed, probably lefty writing right. Just, when I walk, I have to be careful to watch my step, look forward, because I tend to lose my balance. 


I feel very anxious though I'm at home, because I'm going to work in about one hour. I always more or less feel like that. More these days because the ambiance is crap. I have difficulties to cope with such feelings, not only when things happen, but before and after. 


You can ask me questions if you think I missed something. I'm trying to figure out why I feel so apart. I thought I was just an HSP  and gifted, but my social skills are poor, and my level of introversion preoccupying. I have one partner, who's himself different, not autistic, but gifted too. So when I'm with him it's different from being with "normal" people. 

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5 Responses Mar 9, 2009

Hi, sorry to hear of the bad migraines too.. My friend suffers from them too..days at a time in bed and sick to her stomach.. i sent her excedine migraine she says it helps alot.. my daughter- we got the Dx bk.. changed her ADD MEDS, see a big difference in her! Also got another Dx- Aspergers traits. but the socialization ones. she doesnt like to socialize either.. would rather be home alone.. hope you feel better soon!

Hey there Scully.......can I just say without getting any further please please PLEASE do yourself a favor and see either a psychologist or psychiatrist! I am an Aspie and EVERYTHING you are saying is like a carbon copy of how I think and feel! You can look them up under P in the yellow pages, ask if they are familiar with Aspergers and if yes tell them you want an evaluation. Obviously you don't HAVE to do as I say.....but in my opinion it would be a good idea.<br />
The problems and pain you describe with regard to certain lighting and sound is really the hallmark sign that rules out other things. You see this is medically classfied as a Sensory Integration Dysfunction. This is a common charecteristic of Aspergers although it does not affect all Aspies. For myself I have much sensory integration issues, mostly with certain sounds, and textures. The earliest memory of this was with shoes. Up until I was about 4 years old there was always either a huge fight or tantrum if I had to wear shoes, and this I remember was because I hated the tight constricting feeling they had on my feet and toes.<br />
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The other things you describe such as your blank facial ex<x>pressions (or perceived as blank by others) is also something I share. People constantly tell me that I look either blank "staring off into space" or I am accused of looking sad or upset. I tell you, when I'm around others I'm constantly I'm not upset....I'm just thinking. Just thinking, just thinking, just thinking.....I get so tired of explaining this to others. CAN'T THEY JUST LET ME THINK!!?? <br />
Because of this constant misperception of my feelings based on my face as an adolescent I became EXTREMELY resentful if anyone ever even tried to tell me I was feeling something I wasn't. As a child I too had little interest in friends, mainly because even if they did like similar things that I did, they never did it "right" in my eyes. Because they never played the way I wanted them too...or few did, I stayed on my own. <br />
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As for the anxiety and depression you describe, yes other people do have this. And acknowledging others problems....while the intent is good is not productive in your situation. The reason for this is because it minimizes your challenges. I also have ADHD.....boy I tell you others will get a mouth when they tell me "oh yea I can't pay attention either.." They don't understand the real challenges. The best way to differentiate is from an educated stand point. In order for a diagnosis to be made of any mental or mood disorder/syndrome is for a specific set of criteria to be met AND for it to cause enough of a problem in your life to the point where it interferes with your ability to function at work, school, home, or all three. As far as the GAD and depression, it is very likely that you do have atleast some of it. But this is not basis to rule out Aspergers. Anxiety and depression are often close friends of aspergers because they can result from so many failed attempts at "assimilating" into society. Anxiety can also surface from sensory integration problems such as discomfort in large crowds. I also have a very difficult time with large crowded places. Sometimes all it takes is 6 or more people!<br />
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At any rate.....if there's nothing else that you remember from this comment, I hope you would atleast try this one last resource. Look into either buying or borrowing this book from a library. <br />
It is called: The Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood. <br />
It is an EXCELLENT book, and a great resource to point you in the direction of many other ways to help. It will give you a very clear definition and explorative view of aspergers as well as the diagnostic material available, coping strategies and much much more. <br />
So if nothing else try burying your nose in this book and see how much of yourself is reflected in it's pages. I think you'll be quite surprised. <br />
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Any more questions feel free to ask. Hope this helps!<br />
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Hi, alot of what you said about yourself sounds like my daughter.. She too has the high anxiety, and possible depression. INstead of seeing a psychologist, why not try a neruologist? My daughter is also considered gifted, she will not use it tho. she is honor roll and slides thru without trying.. If she would push her self she could do much better at 15 she is still having problems social/emotionally. She is ADD, and we just saw a new neuro and changed her meds, and I do see a difference for the better- same as you she hates maths, but yet- she just got a 91 on a maths test.. She had some tests done, I do not know what alot of the abbreviations you wrote meant, as you are so gifted I am stupid.. I know my limitations. And I am very limited. Any way, My daughter just got Dx'd with Not full AS, but AS traits! there is a difference. She also has few friends, doesnt like to go out much etc, likes her music loud in her room, but in the car with me it cant be- it bothers her.. She also has Celilacs Disease (or Coeliacs ) dependign on where you live.. Here is a great web site for you to look at-- this is her neuros site. when you go to the site on the left side there are all different things.. If you click on ADD then read down the list there is a charting you can do and print out.. Also, under PDD/Autism there is one there too.. I hope this helps a little. I understand so much of what you are saying, I see so much of it in my daughter.. oh and btw, They say she was PDD as a younger child they can tell by the things marked as resolved.. Anyway, good luck, and dont worry what other people think of you.. You know who you are, I think you are a very wonderful person, and very smart also, to be able to help yourself.. You can socialise, have a partner who understands you.. That is the best part.. Good luck .. :D

My brother was never diagnosed. Didn't know what AS was for the longest.<br />
Didn't walk or talk until 3 and 4. OBSESSED with anything that interested him. Really extremely bright which wasn't discovered because of his lack of socialization until he was about 10. Math whiz, computer brain, science nut and has never, in his 35 years, read a book. He can't. Can't get a degree because he can't pass an english class. Totally unemployable. No driver's license, takes driving rules literally. Turn left in front of him and he will hit you. He, literally, has the right of way.<br />
Then he went to church. Oh brother.

A lot of people have anxiety and depression without having AS. There is no reason to think that they are necessarily linked in your case. As for AS, you seem to have a lot of insight into your personality; clearly you have given it a lot of thought. I'm not sure that having the official diagnosis is going to change your life all that much. You know what you like and don't like, and you are smart enough to realize what you must do in order to function around others. I applaud your level of insight.