I found out in January, everything makes sense now. If only I could cope in a healthier way. I need more from my boyfriend, friends. I have no family. I'm all alone in a sea of strangers, I drift to the sound of hums and instruments. Clicking, scraping, ticking, beeping, knocking. Constant noise, the fluorescent lights buzz. I want to meet people who understand.
europaproxima europaproxima
22-25, F
2 Responses Jun 23, 2015

go to therapy or theres a good book called the book of social rules

I wasn't diagnosed until my early 50s. My life suddenly made sense. And so I know what it is like to almost always be the odd person out. I think I've had just one friend in my life as an adult who had Aspergers. She's such a delight to be around.

People have no clue about the sensory issues we face. People believe the myth that we are not empathetic when we are hugely empathetic. (We just may miss a beat in how we respond or not mirror the person's body language or not pick up on what is going on right away. However, many of us are very empathetic once we know what's going on with the person. And we tend to do well in writing.) People also have no clue about the negative assumptions they make when our behavior doesn't match their expectations and then they are incredulous that we don't understand their anger or their reasoning, which is not always rational... it's just what non-autistic people have come to accept as normal. And each of us is challenged in our own way.

The think the way we share and create bonds--sharing something that happened to us--is narcissistic and a way to shine the light back on ourselves when actually it's the way we say, "You are not alone." (So many of us do this that the only reason neurotypicals do not find this as a valid way to empathise or grow tired of it is because it is not their preferred method of offering support as a group. Other people with Aspergers appreciate other people's stories shared to help them not feel so alone.)

For me, I can pick up a lot about human interactions when watching a group--sometimes far more than someone who doesn't have autism. I see the patterns. But when forced to interact, I can't interact and pick up on the social cues at the same time, and so I mostly take what is said at face value and have to trust that the person is being upfront and honest. I might see some social cues but be unable to apply them in the moment, as it seems my circuits are too full. (It's like the difference of looking from a distance to suddenly being too close and overwhelmed by the closeness.) Juxtapose those two situations and my lack of understanding and inability to respond when I am part of the dynamic seems disingenuous. How can someone so smart be so stupid? And then there are the indirect forms of communication that I seem to miss altogether and the assumptions people make when I don't respond at all (you can't respond to something you don't see).

If you end up being like most of the older people I know with Asperger's, you will learn coping strategies along the way. For example, I find it hugely fatiguing to be around people. And so whenever my ex and I would plan to visit family or friends for a weekend, I always took time out to rest. Even if we were at the beach or some place like that, I'd go for a walk by myself. People got used to it. They figured I was napping or exploring; even if they didn't understand my need to be alone, they respected it over time. Mostly I was just being alone so I wouldn't experience overload and become irritable. I have rarely melted down as an adult because I've learned strategies like that to take care of myself.

Also, most of the people I know are very happy people (unlike when they were in their teens and early 20s) and they are glad for the many gifts that come along with our different brain wiring. Dealing with others who don't get it can still be a challenge, but knowing what you are up against is the half of it.

You might want to check to see if there is an Aspergers group in your town, and there are a number of Aspergers groups on Facebook that you might consider joining. The people in those groups can be hugely supportive.

Wishing you the very best.