Mad World.

I feel like my life is empty. I find pleasure in nothing. I usually go outside to see friends and alike but all my smiles are fake ones, my thoughts are disturbed. Even now when writing this I'm under painkillers and alcohol.

I've done so many drugs, drank so much and popped so many painkillers I've just lost count. Last month I climbed up a tree, attached a rope to a branch and placed the noose around my neck.. all while completely sober. I just gave up. But right before jumping off my sister called me.. and I hesitated.

I decided to give life another go, turn a new leaf, etc. Decided to quit all kind of substances. I was able to stay away from anything toxical for a week before I felt that nothing had meaning again. Why wake up in the morning just to have a cigarette, eat, watch TV and talk meaninglessly over meaningless things with friends?

Now I'm stuck in the loop again. I seem to have a split personality disorder because whenever I'm outside with my friends I act like one person, whenever I'm home with my family I act like another but once I'm alone, I start thinking "normally" again.

It's good to get this weight off myself. To share anonymously on the internet. Whoever read this, I hope you stay away from mind-altering substances. Even alcohol. Try not to fall down the same road as I.
belyv belyv
18-21, M
Sep 7, 2012