My Whole Life I Thought I Was Different And Now I Know Why.

Growing up I was super active - but who wasn't? I went to a gifted and talented private middle school then I proceeded to almost fail out of high school. I barely graduated high school with a 1.7 GPA. Although, I was sure that in all of my classes I could probably tell you better than anyone else what we learned. After high school I realized I needed to be serious about school and actually go to class. I received a 4.0 GPA for a year and a half at a junior college then transferred to a great University. Here I still am. As you can see most of my story thus far is academic based because that's where I am having all of my problems.

Since being at this new University I realized something was seriously wrong with me. This whole time I thought I was lazy, unmotivated, unorganized, and not very mature. But, I feel like I am exactly the opposite! I have so many goals and want to do everything! I went to the University counseling center and I took an ADD test. My mother even suggested I get tested because she believed I had something similar to ADD. After being tested they prescribed me with adderall. I still didn't really believe ADD was a thing. I thought it was an excuse for people's poor self-control and an excuse to take drugs that give you a biochemical advantage while making you skinny. After taking adderall a few times, I realized it made me concentrate a lot but I didn't like it. It's hard for my thoughts to be collected because I can only focus on one thing. After a few hours I have no emotion and feel like a zombie.

All my friends have graduated in the past couple of years and I am still stuck here. I struggle everyday with what major I want to choose, but I am 24 years old! I feel like choosing my major is deciding my whole life and that scares me. I have been looking far into myself and realizing now more than ever, I do have a problem. Recently I have been looking up forums of people with ADD and their symptoms and I just started crying... there are other people who feel the same way. I noticed the people with ADD, their posts are all over the place jumping from what they ate to the meaning of life all in one paragraph, but what was even scarier was I didn't even skip a beat and followed them every step of the way because my thought process is so similar.

I have so many passions and desires in life but can't seem to do any of them. My biggest struggle is finishing college because I know it's a goal I have always had and something that will look great on a resume, but I feel like there is no real validity in a diploma saying that I have a specific skill set. All of my friends vote me for being the most successful and everyone always comments on how smart I am. I know I am smart and have a lot of potential, but sometimes I can feel so stupid with my lack of accomplishment and what I feel like is laziness. I don't know what I want to do with my life and it would scare me thinking I had to choose one thing. I have a passion for life and all things which makes it so hard for me.

My thoughts are continually scattered and I can't finish out a project, let alone keep a certain thought for an extended period of time. One day I will be 100% set on a major or a career choice and the next day I am completely disinterested. I don't know where to go from here. I just feel lost and confused. I don't want to medicate myself to conform to an average lifestyle. I just want to be me but learn how to facilitate my actions in productive ones that will bring me to my goals and ultimately make me happy. This post is a little bit of me venting, but a large part of this post is to get feedback from people who have been or are going through the same thing. I would love to get advice and any information. This whole ADD thing is new to me now that I have accepted it and I need help.
Mo422 Mo422
22-25, F
3 Responses May 9, 2012

Yes my IQ was high enough for me to get by without ADD meds too. But I hate medicating myself with those awful ADD drugs, that make me feel bad and put me at risk for drug addiction... just to appease our overly rigid messed up greedy society!

Go ahead and vent...I've done it on here too and thanks for your story..I have always felt the same way you do.

how do you know that you will become addicted?

Runs in my family big time

if you don't like the way it makes you feel, why do you think you will become dependent on it?

Dumb question.....Why would I even want to chance or challenge it just to appease others!

1 More Response

I too was smart enough to get by without medication for years. I don't like adderall either, but I've come to realize that I will never get where I want to be without medication. It is so hard to be a smart person and have a learning disorder, and I still struggle with taking it seriously, because most of the people around me are convinced that I'm just lazy, or have poor study habits. It's hard not to be influenced by them. Ultimately, I don't think that understanding ADD as a character flaw is very useful. Perhaps the illness metaphor is not perfect either, but at least it takes steps to address the problem.

Wow, LOl. I thought I was the only person with A.D.D. who felt that way. I've had ADD all my life, I was diagnosed around kindergarten or so, so I guess we're different in that sense, but yeah I've had a pretty similar story to yours. I was actually one of the smartest kids in my class until about middle school. I really struggled with homework, I wasn't very organized, although I'd say I paid more attention in class then most people. I mean I could answer most of the questions the teacher asked, but I was terrible when it came to studying and homework, etc. Then I graduated and went to Community College and thought, I need to buckle down. And I did amazingly well, until I transferred to a University, and it all kinda took a nose dive. I hated the idea of choosing a major, although i did have a major when I went into college. I graduated about a year ago, and still wish I could pick something else. So yeah you're story is totally relevant to me. I always thought I was alone in that sense, but it's good to know there are others out there like us. :)