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My Life And Avoidant Personality Disorder

I have never been diagnosed with this disorder and at this point I don't feel the need to see a psychiatrist, as from experiece, I think that their medications do more harm than good for a person such as myself. I certainly don't want this disorder, it doesn't suit me to have a disorder, I wouldn't even dare mention it to my family or anyone else that I know personally (which is why I use an alias and no pics on here). I'm sure people that know me find me a little odd, evasive and hard to work out as I am a fully functioning member of society and to all intents and purposes 'normal'. People generally like me and invite to allsorts of functions and unless I REALLY have to go i.e. weddings of someone close I avoid these engagements at all costs. I basically find social interaction extremely tiring and uncomfortable, I read subtle body language, voice tone and find the psychological posturing and interaction between people very disconcerting, of course I think that they must beable to read mine and find myself working really hard not to give away too much information about myself. This is, of course, my perception and must be flawed at least some of the time but the deductions that I make about people from such interactions often show themselves to be based in reality in the course of time. Then there is my overwhelming fear of failure. I am reasonably capable at most thing that I set my mind to, for example I play the guitar and have reached a decent level. I am by no means an accomplished musician in the truest form, my ability to play some pieces of music gives that impression to SOME people. I can only allow people to hear me at my best through recordings that I make on my own as when I try to play in front of people I fall to pieces and retire in deep embarrasment. I was once actually in a band (when I was using severe ammounts of alcohol and drugs to facilitate my existence in the 'normal' social world) the pressure that I felt from having to play small time gigs, where I would be exposed and tested in front of an auidience was so overwhelming it sent me into a deep depression and after two traumatic gigs where I used whisky to get me on stage I started to come up with absurd excuses as to why I couldn't make gigs and shortly after quit. My home life is carefully managed and what I would consider to be 'risk averse' for a person like me anyway. After a long week at work I come home at the weekend and I just want to walk my dog, watch some sport on TV, work out and play the guitar. I very rarely go anywhere as I need to be on my own, to recharge and get ready for the next week of fitting in. Over the years I have come to accept this malady and I feel settled and confident. My life is comfortable as I shield myself from anything that might 'rock my boat', that is basically being a social recluse. I am still missing a part inside as we are social creatures so I guess you could say that I feel unfulfiled in a sense. I must point out that I fear the judgement of others for being a recluse rather than my actual lack of social contact, of course I am quite content in my own company and I never give myself enough time to think myself into dark places. I have accepted myself with all my failings and fears. All I am looking for now is someone to share my life with that understands me. I am realistic though and realise that that may never happen.
andyjjj andyjjj 26-30, M 9 Responses Apr 2, 2011

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I've been diagnosed with depression and I've been told I might have avoidant personality disorder and too be honest I've been too scared to ask to have it tested. I strongly desire social contact but for some reason I can't bring myself to start up a conversation, mostly because I don't trust myself to be able to handle the situation I'm about to place myself in. I have spend my younger years doing nothing and wasting away, everytime I'd start something I'd already had a number of excuses to why I would fail and why I would quit.

I havn't opened up to anyone in a while, I'm now forcing myself through the help of a psychiatrist (pretty creepy first time you hear you need to talk to one, it's kind of a big step up from psychotherapist).

I have a good group of friends who are kind to me and all have their own issues. I've considered talking to friends about how I experience my issues, depression has been something that I've had since I was 9 and it came and went with different intensity's but how do you go about telling them? what are the consequences people will have to live with? Is it fair of me to push my issues on other people who have their own? I don't mind people telling their problems to me but that's my choice to be open for it. I usually just keep quiet, sometimes I feel like they don't need to know, their friendship has given me a lot of strength and I don't want those friendships to change. Would they change if I opened up? People treat you based on how they think of you.

I've been told the medication can help wonders for me, but I'm too skeptical, I hate the idea of using medication, are you even human if you have to depend on **** like that to keep you alive? will it actually make me better? Will I be fine so long as there are enough pills? I don't want that..

In my worst moments there were times that I've been gone for a long time from **** like work or education, it's costed me a few side-jobs and miraculously, after ******* up time and time again with my education they keep giving me chances, I'm now at my last internship but I'm already starting to feel like I'm going to shoot myself in the foot again, these thoughts are demotivating to say the least.

Love life isn't all too good either, I've liked about 20 different girls in my life, 1 of them knew my feelings for her. She wasn't even pretty, hell, she looked like she fell out of a tree and hit every branch on the way down, but she was sweet and nice, gave me a sense of belonging somewhere. She didn't want me though so that ended.

I've figured that I'm pretty worthless, mainly due to lack of selfbelief, but it's not like you can just gain it by pressing a button. The women I've liked besides that, I've never bothered telling any of them. Hell, I wouldn't even know if they answered, yes or no and eventually, I'd probably **** even that up. I get what you're hinting at too, I just want someone I can enjoy my life with as well. Lonelyness is tiring, regardless if I do or don't have the same condition you have, I do get what you mean.

I too have self diagnosed Avoidant Personality Disorder. It's as if I were reading my own story.
My heart goes out to you.

WOW I sooo totally understand what you are saying and I am so glad I am not the only one. My brother and sis in law think that I am hard to get along with and have excluded me from their lives for the most part. I don't want to be excluded, but I am afraid that I will do or say something that won't be "right" in their eyes. Then depression sets in because you don't feel normal and you can't seem to get along with the way that they are (Not part of the group, more apart from the group)

I, too, do not want to get on medication, but sometimes, due to frustration from people not understanding how I feel, I get mad to the point of screaming at the top of my lungs.

Is there any hope for us? Hang in there and keep on keepin' on :) I know I will, as sad as it sometimes seems. Good Luck

Nice read. Your writing is great! I'm not aware of what AvPD is but one thing is for sure it is not good. Great that you cope up without medicines. I Like to learn certain things from you. Thanks for posting such a story as it gave me some insights about life. Do not worry as we are there for you.

Another amazing read. I admire your ability to "cope." Depression doesn't appear to be one the unfortunate aspects of your disorder, my apoligy if I am wrong. Thank-you for sharing. Peace and love.

hi do you realise it is your perogative to be the way you are, you work hard all week so i assume you interact with people there so maybe thats enough for you. i am sure you have a few people close and that you function to quite a high level , i find interacting with people difficult and as you say disconcerting , some of us are just not designed to be social animals, although its natural to want to be social. noone should be forced into uncomfortable situations they do not want to be in . your life sounds good so enjoy being you and one day that person ,that significant other will come into it , i assure you. xx

Hi

Thanks for the comment.

Sometimes I do wonder if I am a true avoidant as I don't really long to be popular or social. I think that I could be truly happy with just one special person in my life. Your point is interesting about work though, I often find myself getting depressed when I have a couple of weeks off, probably from spending too much time alone. Perhaps I do need the 'social' contact but not at a significant level.

I think i'm also a victim of it... i feel so much afraid to make new relationships and maintaining one. I am so concerned with other people's thoughts. I feel so stressful when dealing with other people, especially when i might make them angry ( i know it's cos of my thought problem). I did not realized it is a personality disorder until recently i found my symptoms match perfectly with avpd. I used to motivate myself not to be so stressful and depressed. And most of the times it help. I think we still can get rid of it... just cos we know our root of problem, it's out wrong thought process and exaggeration. I know we can have control of it. We can overcome it. I think medication and self imaging can help. By thinking about own negatives thoughts and tell urself repeatedly that they don't exist. Think about urself as other people. And stop thinking unnecessary negative thoughts whenever it come to your mind. Also, imagine yourself the kind of person you want to be, and encourage yourself to be so in your imagination. By doing so daily, i know we can succeed. Succeed by changing the view and thought process of ourselves.

i feel like i just read a desc<x>ription of my own life, i mean with a lot a variation. <br />
except i'm dedicated to changing these parts of me and learning to stop avoiding life. i'm optimistic.

life with mental illness sucks, but we just have to learn to cope with it. After reading your story I think your condition is not as bad as you think, but i totally understand what u r going through. unable to have a relationship, or even make friends is simply destructive to a person's daily life. But it is what it is, the only thing we can do is suck it up and try our best to be as normal as possible.