My Life And Avoidant Personality Disorder
I have never been diagnosed with this disorder and at this point I don't feel the need to see a psychiatrist, as from experiece, I think that their medications do more harm than good for a person such as myself. I certainly don't want this disorder, it doesn't suit me to have a disorder, I wouldn't even dare mention it to my family or anyone else that I know personally (which is why I use an alias and no pics on here). I'm sure people that know me find me a little odd, evasive and hard to work out as I am a fully functioning member of society and to all intents and purposes 'normal'. People generally like me and invite to allsorts of functions and unless I REALLY have to go i.e. weddings of someone close I avoid these engagements at all costs. I basically find social interaction extremely tiring and uncomfortable, I read subtle body language, voice tone and find the psychological posturing and interaction between people very disconcerting, of course I think that they must beable to read mine and find myself working really hard not to give away too much information about myself. This is, of course, my perception and must be flawed at least some of the time but the deductions that I make about people from such interactions often show themselves to be based in reality in the course of time. Then there is my overwhelming fear of failure. I am reasonably capable at most thing that I set my mind to, for example I play the guitar and have reached a decent level. I am by no means an accomplished musician in the truest form, my ability to play some pieces of music gives that impression to SOME people. I can only allow people to hear me at my best through recordings that I make on my own as when I try to play in front of people I fall to pieces and retire in deep embarrasment. I was once actually in a band (when I was using severe ammounts of alcohol and drugs to facilitate my existence in the 'normal' social world) the pressure that I felt from having to play small time gigs, where I would be exposed and tested in front of an auidience was so overwhelming it sent me into a deep depression and after two traumatic gigs where I used whisky to get me on stage I started to come up with absurd excuses as to why I couldn't make gigs and shortly after quit. My home life is carefully managed and what I would consider to be 'risk averse' for a person like me anyway. After a long week at work I come home at the weekend and I just want to walk my dog, watch some sport on TV, work out and play the guitar. I very rarely go anywhere as I need to be on my own, to recharge and get ready for the next week of fitting in. Over the years I have come to accept this malady and I feel settled and confident. My life is comfortable as I shield myself from anything that might 'rock my boat', that is basically being a social recluse. I am still missing a part inside as we are social creatures so I guess you could say that I feel unfulfiled in a sense. I must point out that I fear the judgement of others for being a recluse rather than my actual lack of social contact, of course I am quite content in my own company and I never give myself enough time to think myself into dark places. I have accepted myself with all my failings and fears. All I am looking for now is someone to share my life with that understands me. I am realistic though and realise that that may never happen.