The Symtoms Of Avoidant Personality Disorder Fit Me To A T.As I was growing up, I was always the quiet and shy child. From as long as I can remember it's always been hard for me to make friends, while I saw other people make friends so easily. I struggle in social situations to put my say in because I'm afraid that I'm going to embarrass myself or that other people are going to make fun of me. That's also why a lot of the time I have avoided social situations. Even though I know I shouldn't care what other people think of me because I know I'm a good person, I can't help but care a lot. Socially I feel like pretty much everyone is superior. Everyone that knows me describes me as quiet and awkward. At school I'm always refered to as the quiet girl in class, or as shy. If I had a dime for everytime someone called me shy, I'd be so rich by now.
It makes me feel sad and really depressed, when I'm at home alone, with no one to talk to, because I have literally no friends. I've had friends in the past but friends that I haven't kept. And when I did have a few friends, my friends always had plenty of other friends, while I just had them and spent most of my time with just them.
I've had one real serious boyfriend in the past. We were together for 2 1/2 years on and off. He was my best friend, we spent as much time as we could together. I felt like I could let my guard down and actually be myself around him without feeling self-conscious all the time. When we were together he was the only real friend in my life. We had a lot of issues and finally broke up, and I knew once we broke up for good, that I wouldn't have any friends or anything to do or anyone to talk to. That's when I really pushed myself to be more social and to go out more, talk to people at school more but that didn't even truly work. I did gain a few friends but they weren't real friends. They were just people to hang out with once and a while. I couldn't really open up and a lot of the time, it was awkward when we would hang out. Sometimes I just find it so exhausting to really try and talk to people. I put so much energy and thought into it, that it feels like work. It's incredibly difficult for me.
I've cried so many nights and days because of all these symtoms. I just don't know what to do. I almost feel like I can't really do anything about it. I feel like no one around me understands, like I'm alone on this. I was like, what's wrong with me? Why am I this way? I've struggled with this my whole life. And I would wonder about why I was so different from everyone else, until one day I was researching on mental disorders/illnesses online and I didn't think I would find a personality disorder that described me so well. As I read the symtoms I really felt like I was reading something specifically describing me! There wasn't one sympton that I could not relate to. In a way it was scary to think that there's a very strong possibility that I do have this personality disorder. But, it was a huge relief as well to find out what was wrong with me, and that I wasn't the only person who had this. I felt like I finally figured it out and that I didn't have to wonder anymore. Now that I know, I can just deal with it the best way that I can. It's a never ending struggle.