4th Month Fear.....

 I wake to me fighting in my sleep, tears pouring down my cheeks. I’m sweating from head to toe, still trying to become fully awake. IT seemed so real, so true. Could you really do that to me? Would it ever cross your mind?

 

I watch you sleep, so peaceful and pure. This fear is running through my head, not know what I should do. And for the first time since I’ve woken I notice my nails are digging into your arm, like I’m hold on to you for dear life. Waiting for you to run, waiting for these words to come out your mouth…

 

I’m shaking and crying so hard, I have no idea what to do. You’ve become a part of me; life without you is not a life at all. If you knew what I dreamt of would you hold me close and claim me down, or would you just roll over and go back to sleep? I won’t take the chance; I’ll fight it on my own…

 

I fight the fear of you walking out on me. If the guy I married could walk out so easy why can’t you? The dream plays over and over in my head; you pull the same thing he did. We are so happy and life seems so great after a moment you turn to me and say “I’m not in love with you. You’re nothing but a crazy ***** and I want nothing to do with you. You never meant anything to me. I want you out of my life! You’re not worth anything; you’re a waste of life. Get the **** out my face. I never want to hear from you, see you, or even know you ever again. You were a waste of my time!”

 

He walked out after 4 months and that 4th month for us is coming closer and closer and I fear you’ll do it to me again. I fear trusting you with my heart when it’s already in your hand. I know you two do not compare but I can’t help but have that fear. You tell me you love me and you want to grow old together, but the same words came out his mouth as he slipped a diamond ring on my hand. He told me he’d love me till death do us part, just like you told me last night.  But look how that ended. Look where it left me standing. With my heart crumbled, my dream stomped on, and my life flipped upside down.

 

You tell me you’ll never do what he did to me. You’ll never leave me, never cheat and forever be true. I want to say I fully believe it, but I have that fear. That fear that at any moment you’ll walk out that door, never looking back. You’ll never understand the pain I went through. You’ll never get why this fear stays so close to me. I try my best to put the past behind me not let it affect what I have now. But yet it still creeps up on me. And tonight I came in my dreams. IF you knew how much I worried about this what would you do?

 

I lay back down thinking that I must get rest work comes fast in the A.M. and I mustn’t let this affect my work. AS I lay down next to you, you pull me close, wrapping your arms around me. I lay my head down on your chest listening to your heart beat it’s like a lullaby putting a baby to sleep. I think to myself as I slow fall back in to dreams… “as long as I hear his heart beat when I fall asleep he still here to love me…” but now that the morning light is peaking through the clouds and I’m up for the day I can’t help but wonder how long will you be able to love me for? Will I be the cause of you not loving me? Will I somehow push you away? Will my past with him and all my worry of you doing the same thing make you leave?

 

D.C.L you were the first guy to steal my heart at age 4 and yet the first guy to break it from a childhood crush.  You’ve become my best friend, my better half, and the glue that is somehow holding me together now. I’ve known you for years and yet I never saw where we’d be today. I just hope I don’t mess this up because of my 4th month fear……

 

The song that explains what he is to me….

I never had no one

I could count on

I've been let down so many times

I was tired of hurtin'

So tired of searchin'

'Til you walked into my life

It was a feelin'

I'd never known

And for the first time

I didn't feel alone



You're more than a lover

There could never be another

To make me feel the way you do

Oh we just get closer

I fall in love all over

Everytime I look at you

I don't know where I'd be

Without you here with me

Life with you makes perfect sense

You're my best friend

You're my best friend, oh yeah



You stand by me

And you believe in me

Like nobody ever has

When my world goes crazy

You're right there to save me

You make me see how much I have

And I still tremble

When we touch

And oh the look in your eyes

When we make love



You're more than a lover

There could never be another

To make me feel the way you do

Oh we just get closer

I fall in love all over

Everytime I look at you

And I don't know where I'd be

Without you here with me

Life with you makes perfect sense

You're my best friend

You're my best friend



You're more than a lover

There could never be another

To make me feel the way you do

Oh we just get closer

I fall in love all over

Everytime I look at you

And I don't know where I'd be

Without you here with me

Life with you makes perfect sense

You're my best friend

You're my best friend (my best friend)

You're my best friend (my best friend)

browneyegirl89 browneyegirl89
18-21, F
6 Responses Feb 19, 2010

awww jeffffyyyyyyy!! u r too swet. thanks for the advice!!! cant wait for ya next email!! talk ta ya monday when i should be working but im emailing you !!! lol lova ya tut!!!

Aww sad story sweetie, but remember people are all different. The way you’re treated by one has absolutely nothing to do with how you’re treated by another. One was a square peg and the one you have now is round, so they’re completely different. I think the guy you have now loves you so much more than the other in spite of his knowing what happened to you before. True, they may have both talked love to you at this point, but look what they did up to this point rather than what they said. You're too beautiful of a person to have been to blame for anything for what happened. You need to forget this 4th month thing. Things we think about too much have a way of becoming reality so you want to make sure to think ONLY of how you want it to be. Rid yourself immediately of all those negative thoughts that are bringing tears to your eyes. Replace tears with smiles. Refuse to think negative. Replace each and every negative thought that comes to your mind with a positive one. Humans can only think of one thing at a time. Make sure your thoughts/attitudes are always positive ones. Keep thinking how wonderful the man you’re with is now. Don’t let fear destroy what you have that’s so beautiful and precious to you. Fear always destroys. Hope always builds up and supports and keep you looking ahead to a great future filled with a loving journey and happy destination. God is love so just keep spreading love and it will continue to come back to you more and more. The 4th month means absolutely nothing except it’s giving you phobia that has no basis. That was then. This is now. There’s absolutely no connection. Love your guy to death now. Let the future run it’s own course. Don’t waste one bit more of your energy on anything you don’t want to happen. No more time for tears. Only time for loving, fun and sharing. Take care now.

i'm trying my best to keep a float. thanks for the advice. and thanks for being there....

darlin, im so sad to hear that your marriage didnt work out..im sorry. but you cant give up hope on the next chapter already...just keep swimming dont grab on too tightly and just breath..let each day come along and take it for what it can give you....always here for ya..

aww thanks! guess we live and we learn! :) hope you had a great weekend

Aw. :( I'm really sorry about what happened to you. You should not have to be afraid.