Life Long Depression? What's It Like To Be Unreservedly Happy?

I can't ever remember being happy and at the age of 21 I feel myself slipping back into the scary darker thoughts I haven't had since I was 15.
The thing that bothers me is that I don't feel as though I have any right to be so selfish as nothing horrific or so extremley terrible has happened to me that might warrant this. All I can say is that I have lived my life (partly by choice but largely not) in isolation, physically and emotionally and become somewhat of a recluse.many small but profound injustices of life have affected me deeply and continue to do so. The result of and reason for continued idiocy is my mind being actually pretty twisted and I've done things messed up that people and young people shouldn't do. I don't handle stressful situations well and I think I must have a very weak backbone only I put my happy face on for the outside world. When I did mention my unhappiness to the two people I trust, it is conveniantly ignored or forgotten about and batted aside so I see no point in talking.
I have 'moments of clarity' when I socialise but when it inevitably ends and I have a moment alone it sucks me down even deeper. I have extremely low confidence and self esteem and I find myself at odds with the world around me.
I feel ashamed, guilty, lonely, lost and most of all, overwhelmed.
Thingybobby Thingybobby
26-30, F
Aug 1, 2010