As Far As I Know ...

I have been depressed all my life. I'm 28, female, and it just goes in circles.

I can't take criticism. I can't take rejection. My heart is so easily broken.

I'm just so damn miserable. All the time. I find it very hard to enjoy life.

Looking back at my childhood, I can't really say I was happy. My parents forgot my birthday so many times, although gave me mostly what I wanted. It was extremely rare for them to say "I love you". I can't remember the last time my mother said it to me. I hated my father the two years before he died of cancer. Hated him. He lived in the city, we lived in the country, he'd visit on weekends, and I'd always get in trouble for something or another. He was the bad cop, he handed out the disapline. Mum didn't.  When he passed away mum didn't know how to cope, having to step into the parenting role all of a sudden. So I got kicked out of the house because she couldn't handle it.  I wasn't a bad kid. Didn't do drugs, didn't drink. I just argued with my brother and mum. My brother. Well there is another story. He's been depressed since he was born. He has gone through anger management, counseling, and has had several near misses with suicidal attempts over the years. He was recently in the hospital again at 23, and told me that I am to blame. I've had suicidal thoughts many many times over the years. I get stressed out and they resurface. I cut myself once when I was about 16. 

That is the short reader's digest version of my life. 

So, I don't know how to relax. I am very high strung, and stressed out. I don't find many things funny or happy. I'm always in a cycle of depression and anxiety.

I'm lost in my job and career choices. I know what I love to do, but I just can't find a job. I thought I had landed my perfect job this summer past, something I had been working towards for about 7 years. It turned out to be a great disappointment. 

I am so lonely. So lonely that I had a fling with someone at school, which I knew was a bad idea, and it of course failed. And I am so crushed and hurt. I've only been now with 2 guys. To me sex is a big deal, clearly not a big deal to him. 

I wish someone would love me back. I wish for that love that I had with my ex. I miss him so much. But I know why in the end after I broke it off, we re-united, and got back together, why he wouldn't want to be with me. 

I'm 28, I've battled depression (deep depression) since 2007. And before then since I was 8 or 9. I just got out of bankruptcy and drove away the one person who saw me, and loved me for who I am. He now doesn't want me in his life at all. We haven't spoken in 8 months. It still hurts so much everyday. The rejection from the fling has brought all those feelings flowing back. 

I wish I knew how to stop it. But I just seem to stay in this one state. I measure my happiness by having love in my life. I know I am supposed to work on my self-esteem, confidence, loving myself, and once that is accomplished "life" will fall into place.

I don't know where to start. I see a counselor every week, but I don't find it helpful. I've seen a counselor on/off since 2005. Always through the school, I've never had a job that I could afford a psychologist. 

Did I mention that my resume is fantastic and awesome!  Yeah on paper I am quite an accomplished person. But my insecurities and poor self esteem just get in the way. 

I just don't know how to cope. 
plntgrl plntgrl
26-30, F
3 Responses Oct 7, 2010

Don't give up! You are worth the effort. One thing that helps me is volunteering to help others. Someone out there needs you as much as you need them. <br />
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May God bless and keep you.<br />
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I have lived this. I know this story is a few months old, but I hope you're still around and staying strong. I've been reading this great book called "Healing the Emotional Self" by Beverly Engel... I'd highly recommend it to you.

i agree with you, it's one thing for someone to say that they need to work on their self-esteem and confidence in theirself but it's not always easy, i've always had a low self-esteem myself, and i'm sorry to hear about all that you have gone through, i hope that one day you can find someone or something that will change things for you.