Planned My Death, I Was So DepresseedI cant say for sure when I actually became 'depressed'. I know I spent most of my adolescence contemplating ending my life. I remember aquiring knives from the kitchen and scratching my wrists, wishing I could actually do it. I would be sat alone in my bedroom. For hours. just staring, thinking 'What is there for me?'
I have no family. I was brought up under a care order with the local authority. My mother did not know me. Her schizophrenia changing the world around her. My father deserted me. My brother had for years, touched me, and finally raped me. My grandmother despised me as when I told my foster carer what my brother had done, the whole family disowned me. They took his side, unable to believe what had been told them.
I went to my doctor. He said it was normal teenage hormones. I lost faith in him that instant. He even laughed at me. literally.
My teenage years I just remember a cloud over me. An evil dark cloud, penetrating everything I thought. I moved around different homes, adjusting and getting on with it. One foster home let me repeatedly buy the family take away, spending all of my savings. They completely took advantage of me.
I had lost everyone.
I ran away from care as soon as possible, getting a job away from Wales, away from that life I had been forced to lead. I thought everything was ok.
In august 2007 I suffered a break down.
The doctors wanted me in a hospital but I could not go. A friend looked after me, insisting she look after me. the next thing I know I had given up my home, my life and was forced to move in with her.
I had to start again once I walked out on the hitting, pushing and belittling.
I figured that I could walk the length of the high street and buy enough medication, I could end it all
I bought the medication.
I could not do it.
I went back to the doctors, put back on medication.
I am now on Citalopram
I'm a new person
I am at uni now, studying. I have moved back to Wales, confronting my fears.
I still get bad days. I still need my medication. 18 months I have been on them. If that what it takes, so be it.
Oh yes, and I'm engaged and getting married!!