Gotten Use To It Like A Genetic Disorder.

I'll keep it short becasue I have to study and I know that I can get long winded. I tried to kill myself when I was younger and once as an adult. I regretted it afterwards. Sometime the emotions would get so strong and I would have these strong feelings that it should all be over and that I was wasting my time. My mom is nuts, she use to beat the mess out of me and yell and threaten my life all the time. She was so scared of me repeating her mistakes that she made me suffer and I think that she was mad that I was born and messed up her life. I feared her more that anyone. I still remember some of the beatings and when she locked me in the hall with bleach; because I didnt mop the floor cuz she put too much bleach in the water and it was hard for me to breathe. I would also get panic attacks after she beat me ( didnt know that's what they were at the time) I havent had one since someone upset me when I was pregnant. Lots of other things, stepfather's cousing touching me, kids at school calling me dirty Haitian and bullying me the entire time I lived there til I was 12 then things got better for a few months then got bad again. I didnt know any better and let the boys take advantage of me then they started calling me names and touching me on my way home, my mom was still beating me. I always had the urge to end it. It would get really bad when I had my period and weeks after, I only felt ok one week a month. Every other day I wanted to die. I even imagined it, daydreamed about how I would go. I just didnt want to be here. I had a mother I hated a stepfather that didnt treat me like I was his, and one friend, I was sheltered. I just felt like what was the point, this woman is going to kill me one day. I was bored, lonely, sad, confused, and I just felt like I did not fit in this world. As I got older I learned to manage the feeling. I am not really a happy person I have moments when I laugh and seem like eveyone else but its an act I put up so people dont think that I'm weird. I have a child now and I go out of my way to make sure that she is happy. She is one of the reasons that I continue. I want her to smile for all the smiles I had to fake or didnt do cuz I was fighting back tears. I never wanted people to see my weak side. I could see that is what they wanted although they hurt me I didnt want to give them the satisfaction. Just like they didnt give me the satisfaction of a life free from harrasment. People think that I am mean or bouge sometimes but its not that I just dont see the purpose for living, suffering and then dying. I think that I should never have been born, that this could all have been avoided.I feel like what are the odds that my egg is the one that got fertilized with that *****(man of all the odds). My sister died when I was a toddler, I wish a lot of times that it was me. I sometimes think that she was the lucky one, cause she didnt have to live with my mother. She got to excape this madning world. Some people are so happy and seem to have it all. I have very little and what I do have I can't enjoy much. I sometimes think that those suffering should all just end it so that those entitled ones can change their views and stop harassing us with laws, like contracts that are so unfair but unavoidable. I said that I would'nt be long winded. I kinda didn't even want to start typing cuz I knew this would happen. Some days when I'm alone I think of how unfair it was for me to be so little and all these things were happening and no one helpled. My uncles didnt help and they saw what was going on. My stepfather only intervened when he couldnt take the yelling anymore. He told her to stop hitting his kids cuz he saw how nuts she was. I didnt want to go to foster care I heard stories. I just wanted a nice loving family. Even if I had to suffer at school at least I would come home to a loving family. Instead it was broken and so was eye. I'm not close with my family and I wish that I was. But I just dont fit in. I use to think that I was adopted or kidnapped but I think that I look too much like my parents for that to be true. I dreamt it once and told my mom. I was so happy cuz in my dream my real mom came to say she loved me and would save me. Now only I can save myself. I have to do it for my daughter. She has my attitude but she is so different from me. She likes people, I tolerate them, She makes friends easy, I am let one bad experience change my view, she smiles a lot and if very affectionate, I hold back. She is the only person that I love, If I didnt have her I would not be here now. She is my purpose and slowly she is helping me enjoy life. We took a trip to Disney World, I always wanted to go but you know how it is no money too many kids. My parents are Haitian and they dont like to spend money on things like that they see it as a waste. I took her to meideval times. I went once with the school. I just want her to enjoy it all. I would like to know what it is like to not think of this life as a waste of time, but I dont want medication, sometimes I like being this way, its hard to explain. I see others as being the blind ones not seeing that its all b.s. this whole living thing. But this is who I am and I dont think that I will be offing myself. I just deal with the sadness and get myself out of it when I know when my period is coming, otherwise something so small would be that trigger that has me wanting to jump in front of a train. Now that I am not living with my mother things are much better. She made it worse. She was like that gasoline and spark of a lighter. I can't say that being depressed sucks cuz I dont know anything else. I am a depressed person but I manage well. I go out of my way to be nice to people sometimes because I know how nice it feels when you are down on your luck and someone does something for you that may not be much but it means so much and feels good. After I had my daughter I hated the percocet then loved it. It helped me escape the fact that her married father could care less about me at a most sensitive time. At first I had no idea what it was the nurse came in had me take some pills and I would feel like I was floating but in a good way not like when I was a teen and it happened to me before I fell asleep. Then it felt good. My script ran out and a friend of mine gave me some of her pills, but they were something else. It was something that I felt almost killed me no hospital or anything I just felt so weird and was too scared to ask for help cuz it wasnt my script. I never wanted to take the stuff again. I was an addict for like 2 days. I'm a depressed person who wants to live most of the time. I have it under so much control though, I am a proud pessimist. I doubt anyone will read this its so long but my hands and heart did the writing. I love this forum it is so freeing, too bad I can only invite one person. But it is what it is!
smilemovie smilemovie
26-30, F
1 Response May 7, 2012

I feel a lot of the same feeling as you have described. I was abused by my dad and my mom and had a miserable childhood and its still continuing in some ways. <br />
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Its really nice to hear that your daughter is a happy child. I have been afraid of bring a child into this horrible world because its so terrible. But since your child is happy, it brings me some hope that a good mom could help a child feel happier. <br />
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I'm only alive because I believe in a God who doesn't approve of suicide. I really wish God wouldn't allow bad people to have children. I always feel like I shouldn't have been born too. <br />
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I have been (unknowingly) 'abusing' my body with sleep and eating disorders and now my body is not able to function in any kind of employment... If I had loving parents, this would not be an issue for me, so I get hopeless even more when I realize this.<br />
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The abuse I endured by my dad made it impossible for me to trust any man and I so I know I will be alone forever, which depresses me even more.

Parents can be so horrible, but I won't let that stop me. Its a weird thing, I put things in the back of my mind and try not to think about it but sometimes when things get bad I go back to it and wonder if it is because of the lack of proper parenting I am going through this stuff. My daughter is happy but in the beginning I use to yell and stuff. I had to realize that I was out of control and control myself. Now when I get angry at her I just hold it back then after a few minutes I am calm and forget the transgression. You don't notice it right away but sometimes you do repeat the abuse, you have to acknowledge it then correct it by realizing what you are doing and that they are a child and are suppose to make mistakes but don't go too soft because then that will also be disasterous for the child. You have to find that middle ground and don't abuse yourself anymore I use to do that I even shaved off my eyebrows one year out of pent up anger and frustration. I figured I could not hurt the ones that were hurting me so I would get back at them, I even use to sleep with so many people I don't even know why I did it. I was a mess, I am so lucky that because of my bad rep, they wanted to use condoms, so I never got anything that would last forever. But as I have taken time to just relax and think about my life and what I want from it things are a little more focused. I still think about how I want this to be over but I think that when I get older and my child is ok I will go and help abused children around the world will probablly get me killed but that will be ok. I don't want to spend my time here doing nothing useful.