Where Do I Go

I had what I'd like to say a good childhood but my mom was hardly ever there and my dad was always angry at something. The only time he wasn't was when they weren't together, but they always reunited on and off till I turned 16. That created an issue of believing anyone would ever stay around to help me, not that I can't help myself but I was so young and had fears that couldn't be quelled, I didn't want to always be left alone. I had my papa and mama who lived next door to me and they meant the world to me, they were the only constant in my life. The only ones who stuck around and were always there. I would stay over there and me and my papa would wake up early and we'd watch as the sun rose after eating some eggs. It became something of a ritual but then my papa, the greatest man I've ever known, passed away one night after walking me home in the dark.

When he died, I couldn't cry for a couples month or talk about it. I went completely numb to everything around me and I was only eight, the golden days became grey. My dad had ostracised and blamed me since I was the last one to see him alive. Ever since then, it's hard not to be the one who holds the blame for the things that are wrong with the world since my suffering only causes more suffering for those around me. Since then, all I could think was that the day I die would be the only day of my life that wouldn't be spent in tears.

In middle school, I didn't know what it was like to have a woman's love since I hardly knew my mom when she'd leave and then come back. I jumped in and out of relationships but they'd all end the same, I'd fall in love or at least what I believed to be so, then they'd push me away and call it quits. It had made me less trusting towards those who I allowed into my inner circle seeing as each friend I had would disappear with the changes that come with life.

In high school, I met the two best friends I have ever had. Today we still talk every once and a while to play games online, though all three of us are too different to really understand each other but we still have respect for one another. Then when I finally had all the people I wanted in my life, A.D (using initials for anonymity), A.B., A.F., J.E., and R.C., my mom and my dad, I met a woman who would forever change my world. It was the first time I really knew what love is and could feel it all around me, but when I let her be my first (in more ways then one) she left me and played games with my heart for over a year.

For over two years, I was a sex addict since I no longer believed anyone who had a sound mind could truly love me for who I am since all I was capable of was being left alone each and every day to my own open wound, my own heart. I then met a girl who made up for those golden years I should of had when I was a boy, she was always there and promised to never leave my side and throughout that whole near two years she would be there but I got heavier into drugs and pushed her off, just as what had been done to me. We broke up and I had been so wasted on a whole concoction of chemicals, that it didn't hurt that time, until I finally realized months later, how much I needed someone like her in my life. I tried everything I could to go back to her but I had been kicked out of school so I had to travel to her house to be with her or at least to her neighboring park, since her stepfather and mother had a powerful hatred for who I was, but I couldn't blame them.

I tried as hard as I could to mend the damage that had been done, in the end after we finally agreed to try again, she left me walking in circles for hours on end and proceeded to be with another man. Again, I couldn't blame her but that was when I finally broke down and couldn't contain all the pain any longer. I quit the band I was in, I stopped hanging out with the people who had fueled my drug binges, but in the end I was all alone again, though this time, there was no one around who'd listen. There was no one who ever would so why did it affect me? I am still a man of love, despite all of the sorrows that come with the package, I wanted to give my love and receive it back. Though, after all the woman I plagued with my desire for their flesh, none of them would bother and the one friend I had left after my breakdown, he also pushes me away and treats me like I'm a loser who has nothing worth living for. At least, that's how he makes me feel about everything. I try to go to him for a little support but it always ends in me being yelled at or him ignoring it like it doesn't exist. None the less, I care for him even if it is a one way street.

Through my emotional, mental and physical collapse, only one thing comforted me and that was the Lord in heaven. As to why this is a big deal for me, I spent my life as an athiest, though raised from a Christian family, I just couldn't believe until he made the signs apparent to me, He had been watching the whole time. To this day, each and every day is a struggle inside my spirit but even after a year, I'm still barely getting up but He has taught me that slow and steady wins the race, no matter how quick we want to go in the age of constant development, the age of instant gratification.

I thought I was going to be alone forever with no one to hold my hand through the neverending torment that lays within my mind but I recently met a woman who I had dreamed about even before I had met her, who I am now in a developing relationship with. We have our differences and we both know pain all too well. She makes me feel alive, though she does bring me sadness at times, relationships are compromises for the betterment of one another. We have only been dating since May the Fifth, 4 days shy of May the First when I had caved in all together. I hope that what I have been taught over the past year and what I learn each day can heal both me and her wounds.

The point of writing this is for my venting but also to let those who are also suffering, that you are not alone. We are all to share this world and we have to all try and help make it a better place so that everyone may find true, permeating happiness. Do not be scared to post what's going on, what has been going on, write it out, talk it out to those who will listen and find companionship through it, for no man or woman are their own island.
TheNinthXIII TheNinthXIII
18-21, M
3 Responses May 25, 2012

Pegassus, yes I would have what I wanted, but the common man is but a fool. I have no excuse for the things I had done, but I made my mistakes just like everyone else which of course, as you see it all lead to one big chain of regret, and I'm merely trying to break the link. And yes, this is my problem, it's something I've been working with every day, yes I found God, and pray to him but it's my job to fix it. <br />
<br />
I wouldn't say that I lived as an atheist, I lived a boy who was angry and took no time to think of the consequences of his actions till it was too late. The Father helped me find that and realize that I can't just screw around and muck up my waters, at least not without trying to make it better. And please, respect my beliefs, as nowhere did I say that I push my problems onto him, I seek guidance, and usually I do find it. I also find much opposition which strengthens my faith. And believe He did help me, He was merely waiting for the moment when I would really need him but I shall not debate his existence to you, as we all have to find Him on our own.<br />
<br />
I am happy that you have found a way to battle your depression and I appreciate the straightforward but eye opening advice. Thank you.<br />
<br />
And Mikagirl, thank you so much for your words of encouragement, it has inspired me to further my exercise regimen. Someone as strong as you will always be on the winning side of your depression. If you ever need a friend, I am here for you as you have taught me, that each day should be progress not a hindrance.

After reading your story, and then comments by Pegasuss, I need to say this. You can win the battle over depression. You've had a painful childhood, that has caused you to think certain ways about yourself, which in turn cause you FEEL terrible. It can be a vicious circle of thoughts =feelings. I too have gone through life with battling depression. I have found that by staying on ssri's and educating myself with cognitive behaviour therapy both online and with a councellor in the past, that life has been good. I think that Pegasuss makes a good point, about looking after yourself and knowing yourself . Caring about yourself : try to eat healthy foods most of the time (not all of the time, no one likes that! :); find a sport or exercise that you enjoy and try doing it regularly because this is a great mood enhancer. Me? I like riding my mountain bike on the road and the rough trails. It gives me a natural high :) I still have my days where I feel very low, but I try to acknowledge them and learn from them. I wish you peace of mind,, and to find things about yourself to treasure . I hear in your words that you are scared to love, but are brave enough to try. I will stop lecturing here now, lol...just hope you know that others can relate and may have some insights to share . Cheers! Mikagirl

Sorry mate but your story is terribly confusing. Especially about your parents. It doesn't gel.<br />
<br />
I can see where you would have developed insecurity with absences, breakips and anger for sure.<br />
<br />
But then you proceed to try to destroy yourself each time you find what you wanted. This does not make sense and can only be the product of depression, requiring treatment.<br />
<br />
Sex addicts do not exist by the way. That's just a rich man's excuse for playing around. It doesn't apply to you.<br />
<br />
And you conclude by saying God spoke to you and all was well.<br />
<br />
You lived as an atheist you said. How does an athesit live, in your own words.<br />
<br />
You see I am an atheist and I became one AFTER searching for this God everyone promised. Sorry but there is no God, just desperate minds clinging to a mass delusion for comfort. The real "God" if you must call it that is inside you. Your life force. That's what you must learn about and to trust it always. The rest outside? All farce and fakes. Religion being the worst of all.<br />
<br />
AU contraire, every man and woman are their own islands and you must learn about you first else nothing works. I have to say nobody makes the world a better place by perpetuating the delusion that God exists and watches over you all your life. Didn't help much did he?<br />
<br />
Yours is a typical story of someone who is depressed but pushes that all away and says "God's problem". Nay, your problem and unless you deal with it you will feel it big time in due course. Ignoring it now is sheer folly. And no, I'm not jealous or any of that crap. You see I have been depressed on and off since age 10 and I survived it and undertook treatment which I still do, just less often now. That is what brought me to where I am. Content and at peace. Able to smile, laugh, joke and do pretty much anything I like. No fear at all.<br />
<br />
So yes, I did serach for this God, in hope, for about 3 years. And he was not there. Never has been. He doesn't exist.