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What Keeps You Alive ?

I'm a big **** up. I'm depressed. I'm suicidal. I have 3 friends but only 1 of them is in my country. Most of my family hates me. Probably the only family member who doesn't hate me is my mom. All of the other i thought cares but in reality they do not give a sh*t if i live or die. All of the best friends i even had wanted to kill me , beat me up or ended up being soo obsessed with me that i had to let them go. I hate myself. Every time i look in the mirror i want to barf. I'm a lesbian which means i will be alone until the day i can finaly move out cause theres NO F*CKING lesbians in my country. I'm a very forgettable person. I'm 16 and i haven't lived a day in my life.
A few days me and my friend had a " **** our lifes " conversation and we asked each other " Why r we alive ? ".
The ONLY reason i'm still here is that i still have hope that someday it will all get better. Knowing i still have a few years in this hell is pretty depressing to think about. The thing that gets be throw the day is sarcasm and not thinking about ALL of the bad things. I try to think about the future and what im gonna  achieve in life. 
Life sucks. IT REALLY F*CKING DOES. But if i got throw my dad saying i should of never been born or my best friend trying to kill me or my cousin making me feel so bad that i almost  committed suicide or that i had my heart broken a million times or that all of the friends i thought i had never have a ****. I can get throw not anything but i can definitely  take all the bullsh*t life will continue to throw at me. 
Okey this was pretty depressing so i'm gonna go. Peace. 
thequeenofpain thequeenofpain 16-17, F 5 Responses Jun 19, 2012

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I know nothing about being lesbian but I understand hating myself and feel worthless, or wondering why I keep living and if maybe death is so much easier. Than I think I want to live and be loved. I want to see the world through my eyes I want to be reborn in different places in the world. There are things I love, I can't help who I am but I try to understand myself better, it was really bad when I was your age, the only thing that got me through was reading and day dreaming about became rich so I migh have the freedom to travel, now I do that all the time. Suicide is an easy option but think about all good the crezy and the bad you might miss, it's not worth trying because death will come when it does, it really doesn't need your help. Find another way, your way us not working and your friends are not helping and believe me, when it comes to families it's always the same unless you luck out. The thing is, you also shared which means you know there is more to life than the s*** we deal with. That's about all I have good luck, hope it works out tell the people who are trying to kill you, to leave you be if they can't help you, Ps maybe they are just frustrated with miscommunication there were time when I to hurt my sister only cuz it's a sister thing.

This sounds like a really hard time; I'm sorry you have the living conditions that you do and have depression. I am also a lesbian who battles depression and came from an area that has very few openly LGBT people, just a little older (21, at university). All-in-all, you show optimism, which is your main tool for overcoming depression, enjoying things, and just living. I've never heard of girlstown, but if that could connect you with open minded others then go for it. There are LGBT friendly doctors and counselors (though it sometimes takes time to find them), who can help with working out the underlying causes.... On a last note, it does get better :D Life can feel like a never ending s***-show, but there are good people out there. Keep your optimism up, girl!

"The ONLY reason i'm still here is that i still have hope that someday it will all get better. Knowing i still have a few years in this hell is pretty depressing to think about. The thing that gets be throw the day is sarcasm and not thinking about ALL of the bad things. I try to think about the future and what im gonna achieve in life. "<br />
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^^THIS paragraph right here, this is exactly how I keep on going. Just reading this one story, it seems like we have a lot in common. I'm gonna go ahead and stalk you now...

hahahaha well im sure im not the only one that feels like this. Yey i have a stalker ! lol.

;)

I think i'll get throw it by myself ;) But thanks anyway....

http://www.girlstownfoundation.org/Programs.html<br />
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Please google your areas girlstown, and if you read about Teen Challenge consider it also. Any of the immediate relief hotline groups can help you. <br />
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PLEASE call them. Everyone has worth, everyone! PLEASE!!