Just Needing To Vent!

i have been dealing with depression for years. i am 40 yrs old and i tried to commit suicide at 16. i would never try that again but not 1 night goes by that i dont wish to die in my sleep. i have so many illnesses and am in chronic pain every minute of every day and night. i can hardly function in daily activities. i have no insurance because i cant work. i try to take care of my ill mother and its getting very difficult. she is very needy and now hallucinates which no one seems to know why. i killed my father by asking for life support to be shut off. he was dying from stomach cancer. i made a promise to him never to put mom in a nursing home and even if i would i would lose the house he worked so hard to buy for us because the state will take it. my parents were blind and actually met at a blind school. they were the best parents anyone could have had though. they were very independent and my dad even owned a bicycle shop which he would repair and sell bikes, but he could fix anything. my mom was a housewife and very independent. she was the best friend of me and my friends. my dad got sick and i moved in to help take care of him and after i killed my dad my mom transpired into a childlike phase and was unable to care for herself at all.
i really try to put on a smile and go on and not too many people know what i go through. i dont want to be the one that everybody tries to avoid. I dont have the energy for friends but i have a very patient man in my life for 6yrs now so i should be happy but because of my mother we only get to spend time together on the weekends if that. i am starting to resent my mother and i hate myself for it. i have so much guilt inside me that i feel it is eating me up.
I have OA, RA, FMS, CFS, diabetes type11, high B/P, high cholesterol, and obviously depression. I finally decided to apply for SSD as my dr’s have advised me for years. it was very hard to come to that realization that i deserved it and i was unable to do the things that i did before.
I had been in therapy for years with the same therapist then one day she decided to switch jobs and only keep a few of her patients. i was not one of them. i was told that i would get a new therapist but no one ever contacted me so i figured they didnt think i deserved it anymore. then recently i called them for help and made an appt with a “certified recovery support specialist” which i was so excited and full of hope. well basically it was a guy to listen to your problems but was not qualified to help with them. it was nice to have someone to vent to but then guilt set in because all i had to say was negative things and thats not the person i want to be. Basically my illnesses have stolen my identity. i am not the person i uses to be, instead i am the totally opposite. i keep trying to force myself to do the things i used to enjoy but it is so hard. since my dad died 5yrs ago i have become a hoarder of things i want to fix, make, or do but they just keep piling up. i finally have come to the conclusion that it is time to get rid of the thousands of bike parts that overcome the garage and the attic but am unable to do it alone and my boyfriend is getting ready for back surgery so is unable to help and since i dont have any friends i am at a lost. i cant even begin because the light is out in the garage. a few weeks ago i tried to climb over and on everything to change it and fell. i bruised 3ribs, bruises my ****-xis, tore my ACL and sprained my ankle. that got me even more frustrated and depressed. my brother died in 69 and i have a half brother who molested me when i was 6 (i have worked past it)and a half sister but they have there own lives. i dont go to church because i have a hard time with all the bible beliefs and have an even harder time with the fact that someone so good could allow so many people suffer so much. i have tried so many things on my own to make a better life for myself and others around me but nothing works and i am exhausted from trying. whenever someone needs me i am always there to do whatever i am able to do. i am a good person and think of everyone before myself. i would and have given the shirt off my back to someone in need. i have a hard time asking for help because i end up disappointed when no one comes through. if my car ran even half way decent i would get in and drive away but thats not even an option. I am tired of feeling sorry for myself. i have a wonderful daughter that i love very much but she has her own life and doesnt need me for anything but money (which i dont have) so i know if i was not here she would be fine. everyone would be fine without me! i havent been on facebook for weeks which is very odd and only 1 person even noticed so why is god or whoever keeping me around. my health is only going to get worse and i am going to die a horrible death full of pain and guilt. well i am done whining, i guess i just needed to vent! no reply needed!