Childhood Depression

Basically, I've never really felt 'loved' by my parents. When I was much younger (2 or 3) my parents used to foster children. They treated all of us equally. I had two actual siblings at the time (an older sister and younger brother) and about 14 different foster siblings who I shared absolutely everything with. I was never sure who my actual brothers and sisters were and at one point I thought I was one of the foster children too because I never fit in with my actual family. My parents were both suffering from life-limiting illnesses (my mum's bipolar and my dad has terminal cancer) and they were consumed with it to be honest. My only significant memories from my childhood are negative ones. I was an independent child, I didn't interact with my family much and I never really liked myself but I thought that was normal at the time.
I remember every single breakdown my mother used to have. When I was 6 years old I watched my mum try to stab herself, and then over-dose on drugs and she was sent away to hospital for months at a time and when she was around she wasn't the same, she would be so full of energy and race me around the garden then the next day she would lock herself in her room and I'd hear her crying and throwing things and arguing with my dad. I remember crying myself to sleep because I thought she didn't like me and I didn't understand. The worst breakdown my mum ever had was just after the sudden death of my uncle, she discharged herself and walked 10 miles from the hospital to our house in the middle of the night because she wanted to attend his funeral. When I was about 9 my sister ran away and when she came back she also over-dosed on drugs. She was diagnosed with depression but because she was diagnosed my family thought there was no way that I would be suffering as well.
Dancing was a good hobby of mine from the age of about 3, but it meant that I was constantly comparing myself to all the other girls there and from an early age I remember having a belly and hating it. I remember after a year how thin I got, I was really underweight but that made me happy in a way. 
I hated my dad when I was younger, he had such a horrible temper; I never understood why he shouted at me all the time; I did what I was told. I used to think he hated me because he has never once told me he loved me or shown any kind of affection in anyway. To me he was just the man who ruined everything. He was always making my mum cry and walking out on my family, he used his fists more than he used the shower. I never felt safe and I certainly never felt happy.
Nethaly Nethaly
18-21, F
1 Response Dec 8, 2012

you should take the first step to change to environment of your family, perhaps you could ask help from counselor of your schools. i can see you are 16-17, you are grown up enough to take care of others.. yes i do know that you never felt love from others or your parents. but what you could do is show your love to them. you should tell you foster siblings or your parents that you love them oftenly, they might not response well at the first place but do not lose hope! Love from you will eventually change them. And guess what, the easiest way to feel happy is to make other people happy, when you cry, you cry alone, when you laugh, all people surround you laugh with you.

Other than that, you could find help from religion. God helps me a lot when i was depressed. this is because i treat God not only a God, a savior but also a friend. Tell everything, anything, happy thing, sad thing to God. HE is the friend who will never betray me. HE is the friend who will never tell others my secrets. HE is the friend who will never judge me about anything. I have a really good way to help you. according to Bible, call upon the name of The Lord. "Oh Lord Jesus." open your heart, breath in first and exhale with calling upon His name, "Oh Lord Jesus". try this, just keep on trying. you will feel different and you will hear His answer and comfort.

Do not hate your dad. Although he did something that you don't like, he is still your dad. Try to show your love to him first instead of waiting him to show his first.

Lastly, you need friends. If you have none. as i said before, try to be part in church, i assure you they will treat you as family. Church and God are where you can find love. Also, getting together with others at a church, allows you to build social networks, closer ties and, ultimately, more life satisfaction.

if you need someone to talk to. email me, friendsweloveyou@gmail.com, this is a email i made to help anyone who needed help. i will not tell others your anything. perhaps you could trust me? :) Don't worry, Be happy. I love you.