I Have Battled Depression Since Childhood
As if it were bad enough being bullied at school, I had to be bullied at home by two of my sisters. And when I defended myself, I was the one that got in trouble and spanked by my father. At least my mom knew what was going on. She knew what I was dealing with. If it wasn't for her, along with my drawing and my writing, I wouldn't have had a reason to stay alive.
Although, when we were living in Mississippi, I at least found happiness. But then when I was around seven, we had to move away to California. I didn't want to leave my home, I loved where we were living, but we had to leave because my dad got a better job. Where we moved to, the house was small, and I was often bored because I had so little to do. Not only that, but at my school, I didn't have any real friends, except for my 3rd grade teacher. She was such a sweet lady.
But then in 4th grade, I got a teacher who was hard on the entire class. Even my mom could tell she was crazy. I was glad when we moved away to a different town that year. I hated being there, I hated the school, and I hated the house I was living in. When we moved into the new house, in a different town, things started looking good for me. I made friends, I was at a nice school, and I lived in a nice house (my parents and I still living in it.) But then things started going south again.
I saw my "friends" true colors. They weren't real friends, just like the ones I had in the previous town. I was tired of being hurt, so I asked my mom to have me home schooled. So from 6th to 8th grade I was home schooled. It was a better life for me, and I made friends with other home-schooled kids. Though, at home I would go through meltdowns because of my depression. I was constantly haunted by the bad memories and it didn't help that my dad was hard on me over little things during those years.
Then things got worse. Around the age of 13-14, my oldest sister and her family started living with us, because her (now ex)husband didn't have a job. It was the worst year of my life. Every day was filled with chaos. My sister and her husband constantly getting into arguements, as well as her touche attitude, my niece constantly being a brat, practically tearing up the house and making noise. There was rarely any peace.
My parents and I were constantly stuck in our rooms, living like hermits, because we didn't want to be out where the chaos was. But even in my room, I didn't have complete peace, I could still hear all the racket going on outside my room. I had become so disturbed I started lashing out on my niece. I hated how her and her family had taken over our house and kept us from having some normalcy.
My (now ex)brother-in-law seemed to be a good friend and like a brother to me at the time. I actually felt sorry for him, having to put up with my sister's constant bitching. She was rude to me too. But he mistook me seeing him as a brother, as a crush, and started acting inappropiate towards me. I told my mom about it, and she told me not to tell my dad or my sister. But I knew I should at least tell my sister. She needed to know that her husband wasn't very faithful.
She calmly talked to him. She didn't leave them though, even though she should've, because years later he would cheat on her with another woman. I didn't trust her husband after how he acted towards me. Then a few days later, my mom wasn't able to pick me up from school because she was sick, and someone needed to watch the kids. You'd think my sister would pick me up, but no, she sent her husband to pick me up, so she could stay and watch the kids, when it should have been vise-versa. Nothing happen, but still I felt very uncomfortable. But what if he had molested or raped me?! Did she even consider that?! She put me in a dangerous position, sending him to pick me up!
At least at high school (I was out of homeschool,) I had friends in my special ed class. And they were real friends. It felt nice to have people who were like family to me than my own sisters. During my 9th year, my sister and her family finally moved out after spending a year with me and my parents. That one year was traumatic for me though. I was easily agitated for a few months after they left, because I wanted to enjoy the silence and be able to concentrate on my work without any distraction.
While most of the time at school, things were good, there were still some issues. One of the boys in my class, Joseph, was jealous of one of my best friends, Steven, because I may have had feelings for him. Because of this, Joseph started harassing me everyday, even saying inappropiate things. I told the teacher about it, but she just told me to ignore him. Eventually, he said something really inappropiate, and I told my mom, so she called the teacher's office about it. Joseph finally punished for his behavior, his mother even grounded him, and he didn't go to school for a while because he was ashamed. He started being nice to me again afterwards.
But when I told my sisters about it, they all laughed and said they wished it could be said to them. I felt hurt that they didn't take it seriously. I was violated verbally, and they thought it was funny. Is it any wonder why I can barely trust my sisters, especially the oldest?
The rest of high school was alright, mostly, but I wish I could see my friends again. I've been mostly in isolation from the world since I graduated. My depression and those 13 years of school has left me tired and I'm constantly dealing with fatigue and sleep problems. I rarely go out because of my fatigue and my sleep problems. I will have a normal sleep scedule for a few days, then one night I'll have insomnia and my scedule goes off. I will have my days and nights mixed up, and because I can't drive, I can't go anywhere unless my mom is able to take me places.
I can't have a job, I can't go out and find friends, I'm constantly haunted by bad memories and unwanted thoughts. Not only that but there's still issues with my sisters, and I feel things are unresolved between us. I caught ties with my oldest sister, because I was fed up with her drama, her immaturity, and with how she takes advantage of other people's kindness. I wasn't gonna tolerate her poison anymore. Unfortunately, she still has ties to my parents, and everytime she calls or when I hear about her life's drama from my parents, I can't help but have hateful thoughts about her and remember those bad memories. I wish my parents could cut ties with her too. She practically uses them, constantly asking for money, and calling them practically every day at the worst times.
At some point, when I was around 18, she and her kids came to live with us for a while, after she caught her husband cheating. Needless to say, I wasn't happy about it. One day, I went to confide in my mother in her room, and I broke down crying, because I didn't want to go through it all again. I didn't want to put up with my sister and brat of a daughter again. I think a few days later, maybe more than a week, my oldest sister decides to go back to her husband. The rest of us weren't happy about it. I admit, I wanted my sister to leave, but not to go back to that man.
She regretted it later on. Eventually they divorced, and he kept harassing her, until she filed a restraining order. As terrible as it sounds, I feel like she deserves some misery after how much misery she, her daughter, and her ex have caused my parents, my sisters, and I. I heard that she even wore out a few friends, which tells you what kind of friend she is.
My second oldest sister, I have more trust towards then my other sisters. But still, she can be mean at times. Just like with my oldest sister, my second oldest and her family came to live with us, and it was almost as bad as when my oldest was living us. Some time after they left, Amber was starting to be better. But still, I feel a minor strain in our relationship. I haven't forgotten how mean she was to me. And I sometimes worry about how she treats her husband and her son, because she can have a few problems with patience and anger.
My third oldest sister, I can trust, but not as much as my second oldest. Same with her husband. They're very opinionated, and not in a good way. They nag me about how I live my life or what I eat, but they don't understand that things aren't as simple for me as it is for them. I wish they'd let me be myself. They want to have children, but sometimes I feel that they may not make good parents. They might put too much pressure on their child and have too many expectations of it.
Then there's my dad. While he is now alot better than he used to be since he's been put on meds, there are still some issues. I wish he would be more understanding about what I'm dealing with. My mom says he's trying, but sometimes, I'm not seeing it. There are times I will remember how hard he was on me as a child, and how bad a father he was at times. He let my sisters get away with bullying me, as well as other things, yet I've made better decisions than they have in my life. I've never smoked, did drugs, drank, got detention or expelled. And yet, I sometimes feel like he treats them better than me.
Throughout my life, I've draw or write stories to help me cope with my depression and OCD. But lately, my depression and OCD has gotten worse, and my old medication had stopped working for me. I'm seeing a doctor to help me with these problems, and is trying to find a better medication for me. I've tried one medicene, but it didn't work, and I'm on a different one now. I'm still not feeling any change yet. But hopefully it's the right one. If not, then I hope the next one I try is the right one.
I just want to be happy and not be tormented by my depression, my OCD, bad memories, or unwanted thoughts. I want to live the life I want to have, because I'm tired of being trapped in this house.
I want to live.
Although, when we were living in Mississippi, I at least found happiness. But then when I was around seven, we had to move away to California. I didn't want to leave my home, I loved where we were living, but we had to leave because my dad got a better job. Where we moved to, the house was small, and I was often bored because I had so little to do. Not only that, but at my school, I didn't have any real friends, except for my 3rd grade teacher. She was such a sweet lady.
But then in 4th grade, I got a teacher who was hard on the entire class. Even my mom could tell she was crazy. I was glad when we moved away to a different town that year. I hated being there, I hated the school, and I hated the house I was living in. When we moved into the new house, in a different town, things started looking good for me. I made friends, I was at a nice school, and I lived in a nice house (my parents and I still living in it.) But then things started going south again.
I saw my "friends" true colors. They weren't real friends, just like the ones I had in the previous town. I was tired of being hurt, so I asked my mom to have me home schooled. So from 6th to 8th grade I was home schooled. It was a better life for me, and I made friends with other home-schooled kids. Though, at home I would go through meltdowns because of my depression. I was constantly haunted by the bad memories and it didn't help that my dad was hard on me over little things during those years.
Then things got worse. Around the age of 13-14, my oldest sister and her family started living with us, because her (now ex)husband didn't have a job. It was the worst year of my life. Every day was filled with chaos. My sister and her husband constantly getting into arguements, as well as her touche attitude, my niece constantly being a brat, practically tearing up the house and making noise. There was rarely any peace.
My parents and I were constantly stuck in our rooms, living like hermits, because we didn't want to be out where the chaos was. But even in my room, I didn't have complete peace, I could still hear all the racket going on outside my room. I had become so disturbed I started lashing out on my niece. I hated how her and her family had taken over our house and kept us from having some normalcy.
My (now ex)brother-in-law seemed to be a good friend and like a brother to me at the time. I actually felt sorry for him, having to put up with my sister's constant bitching. She was rude to me too. But he mistook me seeing him as a brother, as a crush, and started acting inappropiate towards me. I told my mom about it, and she told me not to tell my dad or my sister. But I knew I should at least tell my sister. She needed to know that her husband wasn't very faithful.
She calmly talked to him. She didn't leave them though, even though she should've, because years later he would cheat on her with another woman. I didn't trust her husband after how he acted towards me. Then a few days later, my mom wasn't able to pick me up from school because she was sick, and someone needed to watch the kids. You'd think my sister would pick me up, but no, she sent her husband to pick me up, so she could stay and watch the kids, when it should have been vise-versa. Nothing happen, but still I felt very uncomfortable. But what if he had molested or raped me?! Did she even consider that?! She put me in a dangerous position, sending him to pick me up!
At least at high school (I was out of homeschool,) I had friends in my special ed class. And they were real friends. It felt nice to have people who were like family to me than my own sisters. During my 9th year, my sister and her family finally moved out after spending a year with me and my parents. That one year was traumatic for me though. I was easily agitated for a few months after they left, because I wanted to enjoy the silence and be able to concentrate on my work without any distraction.
While most of the time at school, things were good, there were still some issues. One of the boys in my class, Joseph, was jealous of one of my best friends, Steven, because I may have had feelings for him. Because of this, Joseph started harassing me everyday, even saying inappropiate things. I told the teacher about it, but she just told me to ignore him. Eventually, he said something really inappropiate, and I told my mom, so she called the teacher's office about it. Joseph finally punished for his behavior, his mother even grounded him, and he didn't go to school for a while because he was ashamed. He started being nice to me again afterwards.
But when I told my sisters about it, they all laughed and said they wished it could be said to them. I felt hurt that they didn't take it seriously. I was violated verbally, and they thought it was funny. Is it any wonder why I can barely trust my sisters, especially the oldest?
The rest of high school was alright, mostly, but I wish I could see my friends again. I've been mostly in isolation from the world since I graduated. My depression and those 13 years of school has left me tired and I'm constantly dealing with fatigue and sleep problems. I rarely go out because of my fatigue and my sleep problems. I will have a normal sleep scedule for a few days, then one night I'll have insomnia and my scedule goes off. I will have my days and nights mixed up, and because I can't drive, I can't go anywhere unless my mom is able to take me places.
I can't have a job, I can't go out and find friends, I'm constantly haunted by bad memories and unwanted thoughts. Not only that but there's still issues with my sisters, and I feel things are unresolved between us. I caught ties with my oldest sister, because I was fed up with her drama, her immaturity, and with how she takes advantage of other people's kindness. I wasn't gonna tolerate her poison anymore. Unfortunately, she still has ties to my parents, and everytime she calls or when I hear about her life's drama from my parents, I can't help but have hateful thoughts about her and remember those bad memories. I wish my parents could cut ties with her too. She practically uses them, constantly asking for money, and calling them practically every day at the worst times.
At some point, when I was around 18, she and her kids came to live with us for a while, after she caught her husband cheating. Needless to say, I wasn't happy about it. One day, I went to confide in my mother in her room, and I broke down crying, because I didn't want to go through it all again. I didn't want to put up with my sister and brat of a daughter again. I think a few days later, maybe more than a week, my oldest sister decides to go back to her husband. The rest of us weren't happy about it. I admit, I wanted my sister to leave, but not to go back to that man.
She regretted it later on. Eventually they divorced, and he kept harassing her, until she filed a restraining order. As terrible as it sounds, I feel like she deserves some misery after how much misery she, her daughter, and her ex have caused my parents, my sisters, and I. I heard that she even wore out a few friends, which tells you what kind of friend she is.
My second oldest sister, I have more trust towards then my other sisters. But still, she can be mean at times. Just like with my oldest sister, my second oldest and her family came to live with us, and it was almost as bad as when my oldest was living us. Some time after they left, Amber was starting to be better. But still, I feel a minor strain in our relationship. I haven't forgotten how mean she was to me. And I sometimes worry about how she treats her husband and her son, because she can have a few problems with patience and anger.
My third oldest sister, I can trust, but not as much as my second oldest. Same with her husband. They're very opinionated, and not in a good way. They nag me about how I live my life or what I eat, but they don't understand that things aren't as simple for me as it is for them. I wish they'd let me be myself. They want to have children, but sometimes I feel that they may not make good parents. They might put too much pressure on their child and have too many expectations of it.
Then there's my dad. While he is now alot better than he used to be since he's been put on meds, there are still some issues. I wish he would be more understanding about what I'm dealing with. My mom says he's trying, but sometimes, I'm not seeing it. There are times I will remember how hard he was on me as a child, and how bad a father he was at times. He let my sisters get away with bullying me, as well as other things, yet I've made better decisions than they have in my life. I've never smoked, did drugs, drank, got detention or expelled. And yet, I sometimes feel like he treats them better than me.
Throughout my life, I've draw or write stories to help me cope with my depression and OCD. But lately, my depression and OCD has gotten worse, and my old medication had stopped working for me. I'm seeing a doctor to help me with these problems, and is trying to find a better medication for me. I've tried one medicene, but it didn't work, and I'm on a different one now. I'm still not feeling any change yet. But hopefully it's the right one. If not, then I hope the next one I try is the right one.
I just want to be happy and not be tormented by my depression, my OCD, bad memories, or unwanted thoughts. I want to live the life I want to have, because I'm tired of being trapped in this house.
I want to live.
Age:
22-25
,
Female
1
response
