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I Have Battled Depression Since Childhood

Why Can't I Change These Feelings

By: AnnieLynn
Written on July 9th, 2007

The first realization of depressive thoughts started when I entered my teens.  Rage and anger is all I can recall and did not know why.  As an adult, I know my mother suffered from depression.  And realize my daughter as a child also showed signs at a very young age (6). 

Intellectually, I understand the clinical definition and the recommended treatment of counseling.  And I have controlled my depression within reason.  It is exhausting and I am getting tired of fighting as I am aging. 

But I don't believe that cannot spill my guts out to a stranger about the stupid things that seem to trigger these moods.  Reading about all of this stuff I know it is will-power over thoughts. 

I cannot share this with family or friends.  I have a husband who loves me dearly.  But he does not accept Depression as a conditions or illness.  So although I have tried to discuss my feelings with him, he thinks it is nonsense.

My daughter has enough problems in her life that she does not need to carry my burden. 

I have always kept my problems and feelings to myself.  No-one needed to know when my first marraige was failing or about the divorce until it happened or that I had breast cancer until after the mastecomy or other issues.  To me, it is a loss of control.

I could go on forever. But, I feel like a crybaby.  Epressing emotion is not my thing.

I have no idea if this is to be my life's story or how this type of communication works.  This is my first try at it.  Since I can't open up to family or friends.  Might it help to be exposed to strangers here?

 

 

By: AnnieLynn
Age: 51-55 , Female
1,130 people have read this story

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4 responses
  • spottedstar1123
    spottedstar1123

    Just let it all out. We won't judge you, and bottling up is not good. You will be fine here, and don't give up!

    May 6
    1 like
  • Tuck
    Tuck

    AnnieLynn, Yes of course you can open up to us here. A lot of us know people with the disorder of depression. It is NOT non-sense. There are thousands of books about it and millions of cases of Depression the in US alone! No you are not a crybaby. Depression is hard to fight and very real.

    One of the hardest things to do when you have Depression is to get good help unless you are a rich person. So it can be discouraging and that can make you think no one cares. Who can stand the thought that no one seems to cares? NO ONE! So I have a suggestion for you: (1) Call the Good Samaritans: they specialize in the problem of Depression and take it most seriously; ask them what you can do to get help. They will know the facilities in your area. (2) If that doesn't work, I would just go to the best psychiatric hospital you know of and tell them how you are feeling. I don't think they can turn you away.

    Finally, make lots of friends here, as EP members are very aware of Depression.

    Jul 27, 2012
    1 like
  • gothdolly
    gothdolly

    I too have been depressed since childhood on and off and cannot open up to family. A few friends at work know but it's not talked about. I feel there is no help unless you can afford therapy so I remain on a endless waiting list.

    Sep 19, 2008
    1 like
  • EPErica
    EPErica

    I hope you can find the help you are seeking.

    Jul 9, 2007
    1 like