Why Can't I Change These Feelings
The first realization of depressive thoughts started when I entered my teens. Rage and anger is all I can recall and did not know why. As an adult, I know my mother suffered from depression. And realize my daughter as a child also showed signs at a very young age (6).
Intellectually, I understand the clinical definition and the recommended treatment of counseling. And I have controlled my depression within reason. It is exhausting and I am getting tired of fighting as I am aging.
But I don't believe that cannot spill my guts out to a stranger about the stupid things that seem to trigger these moods. Reading about all of this stuff I know it is will-power over thoughts.
I cannot share this with family or friends. I have a husband who loves me dearly. But he does not accept Depression as a conditions or illness. So although I have tried to discuss my feelings with him, he thinks it is nonsense.
My daughter has enough problems in her life that she does not need to carry my burden.
I have always kept my problems and feelings to myself. No-one needed to know when my first marraige was failing or about the divorce until it happened or that I had breast cancer until after the mastecomy or other issues. To me, it is a loss of control.
I could go on forever. But, I feel like a crybaby. Epressing emotion is not my thing.
I have no idea if this is to be my life's story or how this type of communication works. This is my first try at it. Since I can't open up to family or friends. Might it help to be exposed to strangers here?