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Why Can't I Change These Feelings

The first realization of depressive thoughts started when I entered my teens.  Rage and anger is all I can recall and did not know why.  As an adult, I know my mother suffered from depression.  And realize my daughter as a child also showed signs at a very young age (6). 

Intellectually, I understand the clinical definition and the recommended treatment of counseling.  And I have controlled my depression within reason.  It is exhausting and I am getting tired of fighting as I am aging. 

But I don't believe that cannot spill my guts out to a stranger about the stupid things that seem to trigger these moods.  Reading about all of this stuff I know it is will-power over thoughts. 

I cannot share this with family or friends.  I have a husband who loves me dearly.  But he does not accept Depression as a conditions or illness.  So although I have tried to discuss my feelings with him, he thinks it is nonsense.

My daughter has enough problems in her life that she does not need to carry my burden. 

I have always kept my problems and feelings to myself.  No-one needed to know when my first marraige was failing or about the divorce until it happened or that I had breast cancer until after the mastecomy or other issues.  To me, it is a loss of control.

I could go on forever. But, I feel like a crybaby.  Epressing emotion is not my thing.

I have no idea if this is to be my life's story or how this type of communication works.  This is my first try at it.  Since I can't open up to family or friends.  Might it help to be exposed to strangers here?

 

 

AnnieLynn AnnieLynn 51-55, F 4 Responses Jul 9, 2007

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Just let it all out. We won't judge you, and bottling up is not good. You will be fine here, and don't give up!

AnnieLynn, Yes of course you can open up to us here. A lot of us know people with the disorder of depression. It is NOT non-sense. There are thousands of books about it and millions of cases of Depression the in US alone! No you are not a crybaby. Depression is hard to fight and very real. <br />
One of the hardest things to do when you have Depression is to get good help unless you are a rich person. So it can be discouraging and that can make you think no one cares. Who can stand the thought that no one seems to cares? NO ONE! So I have a suggestion for you: (1) Call the Good Samaritans: they specialize in the problem of Depression and take it most seriously; ask them what you can do to get help. They will know the facilities in your area. (2) If that doesn't work, I would just go to the best psychiatric hospital you know of and tell them how you are feeling. I don't think they can turn you away.<br />
Finally, make lots of friends here, as EP members are very aware of Depression.

I too have been depressed since childhood on and off and cannot open up to family. A few friends at work know but it's not talked about. I feel there is no help unless you can afford therapy so I remain on a endless waiting list.

I hope you can find the help you are seeking.