Why Me?

I've always suffered with some sort of melancholy.  The worst time was when I went to college and became very homesick.  I stuck out school and became an alcoholic and got pregnant.  I had an abortion and suffered depression so bad that I ended up being hospitalized.  I was placed on medication and have been on medication for at least twenty years.  I've gone though a painful divorce and wonder if it was my fault because of my depression.  I have two lovely children and pray that they will not suffer as I have.  I have also remarried and my husband is a gem.........a true gem.  I have just returned back to my job as a high school teacher in the inner city.  I am very depressed  and am looking forward to hearing from others.  I try to keep very busy and postponed my working on a doctorate because I felt too overwhelmed.  I don't know why I have to be super busy to keep from getting depressed.  I am involved with my church but find that dry and boring sometimes.  Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself but I must need to do this because I am crying as I type and those are obvious feelings that are inside of me that need to be expressed.  Again I am looking forward to some feedback.  Thankyou!
scarsdale scarsdale
51-55, F
3 Responses Sep 14, 2007

Scarsdale... oh, my goodness sweetie.. you wrote with such pain and so long ago... I doubt you are even on this site anymore. I hear everything you wrote. I wish I were the kind of person who has to work in order to avoid depression. I surely do. Usually the depression stops me cold.
Look at all you accomplished in spite of your depression. So impressed!
I too became an alcoholic while in college and also made some choices that I later regretted. I started running from my past in college... I ran hard and I still think I am running
And I hate that term "feeling sorry for myself." Whoever came up with that must have had a very punishing childhood. It completely invalidates and dishonors very real feelings.
I suspect you are the TRUE GEM in your marriage. Those of us who deal with depression have such a difficult time honoring ourselves. I know I do.
I do hope all these years later that you are getting along okay.

Suggest you see a Dr or dietitian,it's possible there's some unresolved issue but trying to find a good psychologist Is not easy...most are not so great.

i have found over the years it is a lot better to let our feelings out bottling them up just makes it worse. keeping busy i think is harder for us to let feelings get through so most of the time we can i suppose cope with the depression a lot better if we keep extra busy.