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The Same Battles

I am turning 19 in December and find myself facing the same battles I did when I was 14. Nothing's changed. I feel like I am still that little girl, who felt unfair and furious while she was kicked into that gigantic black hole and asked God "Why me?", who curled up in the corner with tears tricking down her cheek and felt frustrated and hopeless while she failed to claw her way out of it, and who felt anxious and scared while she wondered whether or (and) when all the pain would end forever.

 

Five or ten years later, will I still be like this? Will I have to fight it my whole life? If so, I don’t think I could take it. Too much pain...

 

SomewhereTomorrow SomewhereTomorrow 18-21, F 7 Responses Aug 19, 2009

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I sometimes ask myself the same question..I have been struggling with depression since I was 13...now I am eighteen..still suffering..I just want someone to tell me how long this battle will go on..If even I know ..may be I can stop fighting and just succumb to it peacefully and suffer in silence..its tiring..I am tired already..

I sometimes ask myself the same question..I have been struggling with depression since I was 13 and now..I am eighteen, in college..still fighting..I want someone to tell me if this battle will ever stop, so that I can stop fighting and at least succumb peacefully to it and suffer in silence..I am tired already and I don't want to go on like this forever..

I empathize with you. Sometimes I re-read journal entries from when I was 12/13 and it's the exact same thing I'm still repeating into empty pages these days. It frustrates me and I'm really hard on myself - but I can say to you, I hope you find the strength to break from the repetition. I get caught up in things myself, and they spiral. Often it seems like it'll never get better, life will just get worse and worse until I alienate everyone around me and eventually die alone and miserable. But even in the moment when I believe that with all my heart I at least try to say to myself hey kid what the hell, you can't keep thinking that. Because life is not pre-determined, it is what we make it. People like me could make it miserable for myself by feeding into the spirals or we could (i'm hoping) find some inner strength, to learn and develop the skills to overcome the negative parts of ourselves. That's how I look at it at least.

Some of us get past depression, some us don't. You are at a difficult age and you have difficult things in your past to live with. I'd be surprised if you didn't suffer depression. Professional help may or may not help, and the same with meds. Although you can't know yet, depression may be with you in some form for a very long time to come. My shrink for example has told me I'll likely be on anti-depressants for good. Depression just becomes part of life. You learn to "live" with it and suppress it as best you can. In my case the meds are a great help. I was suicidal before the meds, now I'm not too far off "normal". Maybe professional help or meds could help you too

If it brings comfort, you have a friend to walk with yo when it gets tough. You are great they way you are, but would love to be with you when you feel joy and happiness that you share with others too. One day I feel you will be that strong happy person.

I would suggest gettting professional help. I dont mean that as an insult, just a helpful suggestion. I have been battling manic depression for all my life and therapy has helped immensely. You may be right. It may never go away. But you can still fight that little bastard of a voice inside you.

I fear the same thing; that I will battle this forever. It feels overwhelming to even think about how tomorrow might be.