How Is She Me When She Can't Be? How Am I She When Me Can't See?

When I look in the mirror, on the days when i actually do.
I see now I am hideous, but there is nothing I can remove. 

I almost certain at this point that I need help now, because my ability to function, cooperate and socialize with other peoples is nearly becoming impossible.  As I write now, I would not know how to start and explain this for fear of sounding too much like a complaint. 
But i constantly compare myself to any and every woman that is not me, the hair, the shape of the eye, the pucker of the lips, the flowy hair, the better skin, the lengthy legs, the smaller waist, the brighter smile, the better shaped eyebrow in return to the negativity i eject upon myself.
But deep down, truthfully, i feel everyone knows that I am truly ugly and will not admit it to my face. I don't know how sick all of this is, but I have trouble breathing sometimes when i think about all the fantastic flaws i have about myself. There is so many I wonder whom will ever accept me in spite of my outward appearance. I can not usually stare myself in reflection of any kind, but when i do it is almost for certain I will be caught up in the reflection for as long as it takes to count and accept my impossible features. ALL OF THEM. Before returning back to "normality" I did not know when and how it all began, I cant even remember if it was a gradual thing that built up over time, it seems i woke up one day and hate everyone, but only myself if you can imagine that. I would love to wake up and just be comfortable as me, but when i face the world, i don't like the face that I put out there for everyone to see. Sometimes I day dream about how wonderful it would be to have the looks of someone else, how I could just play with the features of someone else's because there is no fixing mine. I do keep this boxed up "ideal self" up in my head, of what i would love others to see, of what i wish that i could be, but she'll never come out, because she for one litterally does not exist. and for two because she never will.....If i could, I would wake up any other way than the way that i am now. I want to bash up all the ugly and suffocate it before closing it up in a box, that i secure tight with duct tape and then launch it over yards of deep water. But i wonder, i am too scared to really drown anything these days. Even my own fear, if I go about trying to do that....won't I still have to see my own hideous reflection once more? Please someone, am I the only one that feels so disgusted by self-image?

BabeEatDynamite BabeEatDynamite
22-25, F
5 Responses Jul 11, 2010

<p>I know how you feel. If you look at the pic on my profile you will see a smiling, pretty cute face. That was 15 years ago. Since then my life, my self-esteem, my looks have taken a nose-dive. I have this weird relationship with the mirror. I have terrible acne now (and that's just what I don't like about my face. the rest of my body is bad too). I look to see if it is any better. I look to see if it's any worse. I hate it! I am seriously obsessed with how I look. I have a boyfriend who tells me that I am sexy. I usually try to keep myself covered (leggings in the summertime), try not to face him on the side of my face is the worst at that time. I am afraid that I am going to ruin my relationship due to low self-esteem. I mean, who wants to be around all of that negativity?</p>

As u write that I feel that I'm reading a page from my own life...you are not alone I always felt alone in this world until I found this group..I deal w the same issues some days I'm in denial of my ugliness ..especially when I get compliments and told I'm pretty but then I'll see a pic of me and feel so stupid that I would believe them....I wish it would go away it eats at me everyday and I just think of how wonderful my life would be if I liked the way I looked......thanks for the post It brings a feeling of comfort to know I'm not all alone

ALOT OF US FEEL THE SAME WAY, WE ARE HUMAN ,WE R ALL DIFFERENT, ALL UNIQUE !! THATS WHAT MAKES US ALL VERY SPECIAL. JUST LIKE YOU FOCUS ON YOU, OTHER PEOPLE ARE DOING THE SAME, SO DONT WORRY SO MUCH OF OTHERS. ALL OF US ARE THINKING ABOUT ARE OWN FLAWS AND UNPERFECTIONS. AND ALOT OF THE TIME THERE SKIN DEEP. TRY TO SMILE MORE OFTEN EVEN IF YOU DONT FEEL LIKE IT. U WILL SOON BEGAN TO BELIEVE AND FEEL HAPPY. ALL WOMAN ARE BRILLIANT, ALL VERY SPECIAL. UR SPECIAL... BELIEVE THAT..

Lots of ppl don't like the way they look. A burn victim I know totally hated her scars after a fire took her home--they covered half of her face and her ear had melted. She said she stayed home a lot in shame until she looked in the mirror one day and tried to accept one part of her face at a time, starting with her best feature--her eyes. She would look at them and accept her eyes until she liked them, then worked on the next feature, her nose. She never really accepted her scar, but she got surgery on her ear and the scar healed almost completely, except on her neck, under her hair. Her hair had completely grown back, too. She accepts the way she looks now and can leave the house wen she needs to. It was almost symbolic becuz the eyes are symbolic of the soul, and she chose to accept that first. There is hope 4 u 2.

You're not alone in the way you feel about self-image. It hits us guys, too. We're constantly bombarded with images of the "ideal individual," and it really takes a toll on a person. We're all unique and beautiful individuals, though :).