Bdd Prison

I've suffered with bdd since I was 13 I'm now 26 and I'm starting to get real real nervous that I will die with this illness. I always thought it was just a stage or a slump,and I'd kind of wait as if the world will just restore balance and I'd be back to my happy go lucky healthy carefree self. Ive been waiting too long!. There came a point where I just realized this ,right here,riight now is my life and it's not gonna magically get better. I always compared myself to others but i kind of attributed that to my competitive nature...and back then it was fair to say i usually was left feeling like i won out when put next to someone. ...then things just changed......it was as if i looked in the mirror and all the things i knew about my appearance was not true. I saw my nose to be crooked,my eyes to have dark circles that no makeup seemed to cover enough,my teeth which i neverthoughtbad of,looked too long and not acceptable,my hair didnt measure up to my standards,it was thin and i could never succeed to do fun stuff with it...heres the thing..i didnt really notice my problems until i felt others changing the way they reacted to me..i used to have boys line up,they would write me notes and girls would look up to me...all of a sudden it was as if i lost my charm,i became a foreigner,so i thought hey its in my head...i would do little things that were very ocd in nature to try and change my day,id feel if i wore one color it would def bring myself bak,if i ate a good breakfast id llook restes and ppl for sure will go bak to liking me...but after while of stupid superstitions,i looked in the mirror and concluded that my face just matured badly and i lost my looks.....theworst part of the matter is that noone told me,in fact ppl denied it to me...they told me i was pretty,in certain places guys would thinks i was hot,but if i hung out w my other girlfriends i never got the attention.....My biggest problem is that I don't know what to believe I don't even see myself anymore..I know this sounds weird but (you know how ppl carry a basic knowledge or picture of how they look)'well I have no clue anymore,I'll pass a mirror and be caught off guard ...like,who is that...? I don't have any clue if I am really weird looking or if it's all in my head....in my head somedays I'll think I look really good(that's why I feel like I can't relate to some bdd sufferers) but I get brutually put into place when guys reactions to me isnt over the top... then I end up with the realization that I'm ugly ...I feel like it's crazy mind games... Right now I'm I. The phase that yes I'm ugly and no matter how many compliments I get,I feel that they are only say g that until I'm with a group of ppl,,then I'm overlooked...I feel like it's everything that is weird,like I got the **** genetic lottery. I see my chin isn't strong,I obsess over the shape of my face it's so round no matter how in shape I am....I spent over two years crafting my body Into tip top form butstill never felt thayt I ever reached my goals...I'm now in a crazy depression,I broke up w my boyfriend because I count understand what he saw in me and I knew he didn't deserve to deal w my crap. I pray to wake up and be bak to my young self and start over....I wish I didn't believe and know that looks are so important in this world...or at least my world. I always wanted to have the fairy tale life ,now I feel like a prisoner to my disease...I feel like I walk around in somebody elses clothes ,I have no attachment to my body, I loom in the mirror with questioning eyes ,(like how a dog looks at themselves for the first time they see their reflection,almost like they had no clue they looked like that,when they Lways thought they'd look like their master.)..I watched fight club the other day and I wish that they had groups for bdd around by me so I can feel like I'm not such a loner....it would feel real good if anybody out there reading this that could relate or had any feedback could comment bak....here's the kicker....I'm a therapist and work the crisis center for troubled teens,I do wonders for them...I wish I could call and heal myself like I do others....
Prettypleasexo Prettypleasexo
26-30, F
4 Responses Aug 12, 2010

Hi Prettypleasexo <br />
ep is a great place! It offers win win interactions. You made me return to an idea I have been working out over a long time around making book titles available in a way that can be therapeutic. Often people say a book changed their lives but it is such a hit and miss business getting to read the right books at the right time. I think a website like a book pharmacy would be great. You enter symptoms and get a book list prescription! Help if you like!<br />
:)

Koyptakh, I'd like to start off by thanking you for reaching out to me, in a world where people simply rubberneck when they see a disaster, it is very rare to have someone take the time to actually stop and offer help. I have to say when I opened my mail I hoped to have find someone who read my lil situation and was compelled enough to comment, what I was not expecting was to capture the interest or time of someone as worldly and inspiring as urself! How refreshing! You have brightened my day...your comment is very deep and you hit the bullseye so to speak whem you told me to stop dealing on an emotional level, I tend to get caught up in my emotions, I create false beliefs and then never realize the reification process that I engaged in, I simply treat my imagined constructs as if they were truths (completely forgetting that I constructed those truths myself). Im finding that the tue patj to healing my pain is explained in your words(letting go and positive explosion of discovery),I feel alive again when I'm able to connect with someone on a different level (one free from superficial hoopla). You are very helpful, I plan on turning more attention to my inner self,it is going to have to be a very conscious effort on my part, as my brain has already configure such long term pertentiation around these issues, but if I get lucky enough, ill meet more people like you in my travels that will help me fight the fog and bring my head back to reality, thank you for your time,you have comforted me immensly. - I once heard that ur bodys just a vehicle to transport ur soul, and I have to say my soul shines when ppl such as urself reach out and remind me to concentrate on more important things. Thank you thank you

ps<br />
<br />
Just a thought - you have taken the important step! Knowing you have "BDD" means you can be aware that the way you see yourself is a distortion and that this can be changed.<br />
:)

Hi Prettypleasexo <br />
Thanks for writing this story. It is very interesting. Anyway I think your problem lies in the statement:"butstill never felt thayt I ever reached my goals". It is also where your solution lies.<br />
<br />
I have observed on ep and elsewhere that really nice people often are horrible to themselves. You are a therapist working in a crisis center for troubled teens so by most people's measure you would be nice. I am just trying to be ob<x>jective. The point is you would not treat people you help in the way you do yourself. If you did you would get fired.<br />
<br />
So what you need to do is have a paradigm shift. Relocate yourself as someone to be nice to. Be human like everyone else. <br />
<br />
Another thought is that of course you are not alone and many people have written about such problems so read. Raise the problem to a higher intellectual level rather than an emotional one. Some of what you write reminds me strongly of existential formulations. <br />
<br />
The opening sentence of Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka is famous in English:<br />
"When Gregor Samsa woke up one morning from uneasy dreams, he found himself changed in his bed into a monstrous insect."<br />
This of course is a metaphor to explore alienation from your own body.<br />
Literature is Art which is the exploration of what it is to be human.<br />
<br />
I would suggest using all the negative energy you have built up to fuel a huge Positive explosion of discovery. It means letting go though.<br />
best wishes hope some sense in here somewhere!<br />
:)