I Likely Have Bdd.My friends often tell me that I am too self-conscious of my appearance, and I would in return, deny it. I don't want to be regarded as self-conscious and with low self-esteem/low confidence, but I suffer from obsessing about my facial and body features. And the ironic thing is, I believe in inner beauty and seeing people for who they are beneath the superficiality and materialism, yet my view of myself is poor despite the compliments others may give me.
For a long time, I obsessed about the moles and freckles on my face (small but dark), and my family was tired of hearing me complain about it. When I was 17, I begged my older brother to help me pay for undergoing cauterization. It seemed promising, and I thought I wouldn't worry about it anymore, but I soon discovered that there were still some brown marks and that some of my moles reappeared. Now, I use concealer to cover them up because I want flawless skin and find that my freckles and moles are ugly. I believe that my culture has greatly influenced my perception too; in Asian cultures, moles are deemed as "ugly", especially on your face, and many believe in the meanings of mole on your face, including the mole on the side of my nose suggesting "illness".
I have also been obsessing about my acne and hyperpigmentation from acne scars, even though my friends tell me that my skin's improving but it's really just the concealer and makeup hiding it. I've tried so many different products and home remedies that I feel hopeless, and I've realized how much I've depended on makeup to hide my flaws. I may feel better, but I don't feel any more reassured that my skin isn't still bad.
Other obsessions include my teeth, which my dentist has always suggested braces but my family and I could never afford it. Even though not many adults get braces, I am still considering it. I am so self conscious when I talk and smile, even though people tell me I have a nice smile in pictures.. But in reality, my bottom teeth are so crooked, but I have an overbite so my top teeth covers it in pictures.
I also obsess about my eyelids.. One of them has a double eyelid and the other one doesn't. It has always been that way, and I feel it looks odd with or without eye makeup. My friends tell me they don't really notice unless I point it out, but I feel it distorts my face. I don't want to blame my culture, either, but the sad truth is that many Asians, especially females, have BDD but have not been diagnosed. Many obsess about these things: flawless skin, light skin (bleaching), double eyelids, nice teeth etc..
My BDD is contributing to my anxiety, social anxiety. These past few weeks, I have been reclusive and afraid to leave my house to go to the store, class, job interviews etc..
kloygyn 18-21 2 Responses 1 May 26, 2011