I Likely Have Bdd.

My friends often tell me that I am too self-conscious of my appearance, and I would in return, deny it. I don't want to be regarded as self-conscious and with low self-esteem/low confidence, but I suffer from obsessing about my facial and body features. And the ironic thing is, I believe in inner beauty and seeing people for who they are beneath the superficiality and materialism, yet my view of myself is poor despite the compliments others may give me.

For a long time, I obsessed about the moles and freckles on my face (small but dark), and my family was tired of hearing me complain about it. When I was 17, I begged my older brother to help me pay for undergoing cauterization. It seemed promising, and I thought I wouldn't worry about it anymore, but I soon discovered that there were still some brown marks and that some of my moles reappeared. Now, I use concealer to cover them up because I want flawless skin and find that my freckles and moles are ugly. I believe that my culture has greatly influenced my perception too; in Asian cultures, moles are deemed as "ugly", especially on your face, and many believe in the meanings of mole on your face, including the mole on the side of my nose suggesting "illness".

I have also been obsessing about my acne and hyperpigmentation from acne scars, even though my friends tell me that my skin's improving but it's really just the concealer and makeup hiding it. I've tried so many different products and home remedies that I feel hopeless, and I've realized how much I've depended on makeup to hide my flaws. I may feel better, but I don't feel any more reassured that my skin isn't still bad.

Other obsessions include my teeth, which my dentist has always suggested braces but my family and I could never afford it. Even though not many adults get braces, I am still considering it. I am so self conscious when I talk and smile, even though people tell me I have a nice smile in pictures.. But in reality, my bottom teeth are so crooked, but I have an overbite so my top teeth covers it in pictures.

I also obsess about my eyelids.. One of them has a double eyelid and the other one doesn't. It has always been that way, and I feel it looks odd with or without eye makeup. My friends tell me they don't really notice unless I point it out, but I feel it distorts my face. I don't want to blame my culture, either, but the sad truth is that many Asians, especially females, have BDD but have not been diagnosed. Many obsess about these things: flawless skin, light skin (bleaching), double eyelids, nice teeth etc..

My BDD is contributing to my anxiety, social anxiety. These past few weeks, I have been reclusive and afraid to leave my house to go to the store, class, job interviews etc..
kloygyn kloygyn
2 Responses May 26, 2011

It is amazing what self-awareness can do to you; it's a rewarding experience, but it can also be very painful and hard to be honest with yourself.. Recognizing that I probably have BDD is only the beginning to healing, and I can only expect it to be a liberating feeling once I am truly happy with myself, life, everything.. It's easier said than done, but I can get better by first accepting myself for who I am and realizing there is no such thing as being "perfect," or rather "perfect" in someone else's eyes but my own. <br />
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Your comment touched me and made me reflect more on my self-worth and identity. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Beauty is just skin deep. It is sometimes hard to change what a person thinks about themselves. I sometimes wonder why we think as we do. How do we assume things will change for us like you say, if only I didn't have this or that wrong with us. The fact we see it as" wrong with us," is more damaging than any defect that we might perceive as such.<br />
Our own preoccupation with "how we look" is so detrimental and damaging to our own happiness. Most of us do it on some level and it is just terrible. At some point you have to let go of what is holding you back from being the beautiful person you are.<br />
Embracing all the endearing qualities that are special to you is the only way to really shine and light up the room when come around. I can sense the hurt and pain in your words as I read them. You were able to do something here many people can not and that is to recognize what is hold them back. You just need to put it behind you and find own way. Don't let it control you. You are the one that is going to regret hiding from life for something that is just not as big a deal as you are making it. Don't be imprisoned by your fears, instead show the world it doesn't matter what they think of how you look. Hold your head up high, know the world can love you for who you are or kiss you butt. It is time to start living, being happy and loved for the wonderful person you are.