There's A Monster In The Mirror..

I call body dysmorphia a monster. My monster. Its like this big dark cloud hanging over me when others have the sunshine.

First, in the early days, its at the back of your mind. Then as time goes on, it creeps closer and closer until its right behind you. It digs deeper and more permanent in your mind and thoughts. Then before you know it. Its consumed you. Its all you can think about and all you can feel. A monster.

Day to day life is just being able to get through. it doesnt feel like living anymore. Lasting from morning to evening is surviving.

Painting the face in the mirror just to look like the person people think you are. Dark circles show through more and more as the days pass.

Clothes hang to my body rather than fit. nothing looks like it did on the hanger in the shop. Its sickening how in the changing room it seems to turn into a freak show..it always ends in tears.

stepping out of the house alone is like diving into dark unclear shark infested water. its dangerous and scary. eyes stare and laughter rings in your ears.

The constantly ticking clock is counting down the minutes seconds until im back inside and the door is locked. Safe.

Meeting with friends is nice..but its only so long before im comparing myself to them. Im jealous of how they can be so open and comfortable. its not long before the excuses trip of the tongue when the next meet comes around.

partners, family and many possetions keep me temporarily happy. I hate the fact that the monster tells me that im never good enough for them and that they will leave me.

for once id like to feel like me again. Id like to feel peace in my mind and thoughts..but for now the monster has me hooked. Believing every word it says.
rachlove23 rachlove23
22-25, F
1 Response May 10, 2012

Wow your writing is powerful.... you describe it well.. I know because I feel it too..I hope you are getting better. I am determined to beat this and you can too. I know it can be beat ..its a mind thing.. a mind trap.. we have to be brave and face this monster. We have to question all the thoughts that don't feel good. We have to be brave and strong and like a warrior. You can do it and so can I. Message me if you want. I would love to connect with you. Wishing you the very best..