Bdd No Hope For Me Anyway

ever since i was around the age of 11 the world as i knew it changed, iam now 38 and male, up until then the mirror was just something on the wall that i walked passed with maybe the odd glimpse, but as is the norm in high school people would joke about your appearance could be your hair, nose or anything. on the outside i would just laugh it off stick and stones and all that but inside it hurt so much, my brain would be a jumble of thoughts running around my head, wanting to hide, go home look in the mirror try and somehow hide these defects, but this became a lifetime obsession a daily routine, hours wasted in the mirror back and forth seeing reflections that made you feel ill, depressed, anxious ,alone, thoughts that take over and control your life.I rememember someone called me big nose up until then i never even thought about my nose from that day on thats all i could think of, i would spend hours in front of the mirror looking it at different angles, different lights trying to make it look smaller all to no evail, i remember putting my dads tie round it night after night thinking if it was tight enough it would push my nose inwards all it did was leave me with a big bruise.I remember after many years i went to see a cosmetic surgeon to have it fixed who told me nose was a normal size apart from a little bump on it which he would fix and also  do my chin that would improve my profile, i could only afford one so i had my chin done.But the mirror still ruled my life i did not want to be brad pitt but i just wanted to look and think yea thats me ok and get on with my day but that was never the case.I would be so worried about going to the barbers i would never be hapy with he result and start cutting it myself, i would spend hours trying to get it right, if my hair was a certain way it would make my face look better but it never did. I cut my hair short to stop the hair messing but that to became obsessive, my hairlines funny so then i would try and shape it removing more and more hair, tweezing hairs out it was worse than when my hair was long.I have lived like this for 27 years it effected my social life,relationships caused depression, Anxiety and alot more, but in all these years i have told nobody; yes i am ashamed people wont understand dont want to worry family and friends so i wore a mask happy cheeky me when infact all i did was worry and try and avoid people. The only person who infact knows apart from doctors which i will come to later is my partner.At first i could hide it but on bad days i would be in the mirror for hours i had to tell her why i did this.I have to say the older i get the it worse gets . 18 months ago i went to the doctors i just felt so tired i had got to the stage where i knew i could not keep this mask on, i did not want to leave the house i could not be around people i just felt so unhappy with myself there was nothing that made me happy and this all stemed from what i saw in the mirror.I felt so  anxious at work i could not get my words out, felt i could not breathe i just had to get out, i just did not want people to look at me. To be honest i knew what was wrong with me, i had bdd this is what caused the depression,Anxiety the mirror gazing the unhappiness. I thought it was just me until i saw a tv show about people with the illness everything they was saying i could relate to, it gave me some hope that it had name and that maybe it could be treated.Anyway on the first visit to the doctor i told her my symptons i must admit i did hide some things that i felt embarrased about, when i mentioned bdd she did not even agknowledge me, youve got depression take these tablets.i was off work for 4 months if i felt no better she would just increase the dose, i felt so low i would just sleep i felt so ugly so abnormal i would not leave the house.Eventually i went back to work and to be honest nothing had changed i still felt the same about myself, still felt so on edge around people thinking they was judgeing me, there was just no let up from it all the mirror gazing,cutting hair etc nothing had changed infact it was getting worse. for the first time in my life suicide was looking like a better option. By now i could just not cope with anything i really felt so low everything seemed so hard, the only way now i could deal with this was to isolate myself see no one, again i could not face going to work, there had been so many days i felt low but managed to get through the days but this was a different sort of low and i knew that i really needed help and my girlfriend agreed.You must tell them everything, hide nothing she said i will help you.ok so i do go to the doctors and do tell her  everything from the age of 11, in 5 minutes thats hard.I tell her about bdd she perscribes me some tablets and tells me ive got problems with anxiety she gives me some tablets, tablets do nothing go back 2 weeks later she increases the dose.Still no change see another doctor tell him everything about the way i am; mention my apperance problems, mention bdd; tells me everyones got a nose,mouth,ears changes my tablets tells me ive got low mood .I do see a mentel health worker for an assesment ; tell her everything mention bdd tells me thats people who cut there limbs off,she tells me ive got social axiety does refer me though.to what i thought would be a psychiatrist 6 weeks later i see someone must be at least 22 again tell him my problems mention bdd says ive got anxiety; changes my tablets come back in 8 weeks no advise nothing.its now 5 months later i dont leave the house i feel worse than i have ever felt in my life. Been to the psychiatrist today same person same story given me more tablets.today i did realise that i will never get better i will indeed get worse i feel like iam  going to the doctors telling them ive got say hayfever and them telling me i have a runny nose heres a box of tissues.I feel no hope if it wasnt for the fact that other people would be effected i would right now take my own life, bdd has won well done. family friends dont know the way i am i dont want pity my problems are my problems. People have enough to worry about with there own lives, any way i tried to cope on my own and i did in a way for 25 years though  it was not nice, when i asked for help from the people whos jobs it is to help there was only robots who dish out tablets like sweets well thankyou, i wont burden you anymore because i give up.
        michael.
mickky73 mickky73
36-40, M
3 Responses May 16, 2012

michael hang in there. .i dont know if what i have is bdd(dang im sick of using,seeing and hearing this word) or some sortof version of it, but i do know the pain it causes. i know how its like to be disapointed from doctors. .as u said "robots that give you meds like its candie".i know i know michael. but dont give up because ill fix this. .im close. .im not there yet but ill get there. .and when ill do. .ill share my solution to the rest of those suffring with body image problems. I promise!

thanks alot for the reply, thanks for sharing your experience to, it helps alot to know that other people go through it, even though i wish none of us had to.I will never give up, though somedays i feel like it, its just for so long i have dealt with this on my own hid it away from the world never complained never put on anyone and now when it comes to the stage where i have asked for help no one seems to know of bdd.I just wished the doctor/psychiatrist would say that is what i have, yes i get depression yes i get axiety but it is caused through my reflection and the way i Interprit it. Dont be put of from getting help, iam sure i will get help with my bdd, but the mentel health service is not the fastest. As for chating the same applies contact me, only my partner knows the way i am, it not something i discuss with friends even family i have never told them. i understand your story so well, infact i think the only people who can are those with bdd. thanks again and take care michael.

I'm new to this group and I just have to reply. Please, please don't give up. I've been dealing with this since I was around 15, I'm almost 32 now. I didn't look in a mirror for over 2 years and avoid any reflective surface sometimes still. I've yet to see someone about this because I am terrified of facing it. So kudos to you for taking the step to see someone even though it isn't working in your favor yet, it is still a big step. From what I've read, cognitive therapy is what is needed for us. That's why I'm terrified. I don't want to face it. If you need to chat or vent with someone who completely understands please message me.