I Want To Get Over This

My life has always revolved around my appearance. I remember as a little girl, looking into the mirror for hours a day, thinking I looked different than all the other girls. I was never involved in anything; my after school hobby would be to go home and look at myself, think of ways to fix myself. When I was in the 8th grade, I decided to take control and live off of a 800-calorie-a-day diet which quickly turned into 400-calories which turned into me starving and throwing up what I thought was unacceptable. I felt better, more acceptable, more related to the girls and women on tv and in movies. Every night I fell asleep comforted by the empty feeling in my stomach.

I am now 21 years old. I no longer have an eating disorder, and I did not stay quiet about my self-esteem. But, of course, everyone around me laughs and says I sound ridiculous, that I'm beautiful. It's been constantly up and down between me accepting myself and wanting to change. I feel like everyone lies to me, that they're just trying to be nice, that I can't handle the truth. All I want is to know how I look like, how I really look like. Neither with an overly-critical eye or with sugar coating. I know I have an ugly nose with a big bump and nostrils that point in a very weird way. I know I look tired. I know my hands look old. I know I have way too much cellulite on my thighs, that I've always been out of shape. I know that my skin is patchy and rough. I know that I've ruined my teeth by losing my retainer. My face is full of pock-marks and acne scars. My breasts sag from having a child, and my stomach is wrinkled with stretch marks.

But I am a smart girl. I know behind all of this I am normal, but I constantly lose myself to these thoughts that I have not been able to shake. And I wonder if I will always have to deal with this. Having to turn my head so you can't see my profile or having to avoid mirrors to get through the day. My mother never felt good about herself. And I do not want the same for my daughter. She is beautiful, perfect, luminous. If she ever thought any different it would break my heart. I want so badly to get over this, so I can move on with my life, so I can be happy and make the impact that I want to make. I don't want to feel like I'm offensive, like I need to hide, like I'm not good enough or like I'm lied to. It makes it hard doing this by myself, having help be turned down because "I'm just imagining things." I have to feel like a bad person because I feel so badly about myself. I'm not trying to hurt anybody, I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm not saying anything that I don't really feel. I just want to smile, with all of me. It's about time.
ausk ausk
Jan 22, 2013