My Story

When you've been outcasted your entire life--whether it be because you weigh too much, you talk too much, you're clingy, you read all the time, you never talk, you don't do well in school, etc--both at home and at school, numbness is welcome. That's exactly why I welcome it. When I was officially diagnosed with Social Anxiety a year ago, although I've had it for years, I felt numb a lot. I'd been expressing my anxieties for years and I guess I felt that now I was told what I was battling and that it wasn't in my head, as my parents had often told me, it was okay to not feel anything for a while. A few weeks after I was diagnosed, it was Christmas Day and I was numb. I would have been content just staring at the walls that day.

The opposite is when my mom told me it was okay to talk about my dad to my therapist. Along with my mom's memories too, my therapist told me that my dad was emotionally abusing us. I was so relieved. All those hours, hiding out in my room when dad yelled, not being able to have friends over when dad was home, and the "family secret" that was my dad's abuse. The numbness that accompanies you when you can't hurt anymore, when there's just no part of you left to hurt. I let out all of those built up feelings but I'm not quite sure they're done yet.

Today, numbness helped me not feel that anger and rejection I'm sure would have bubbled up if it hadn't been there.

Lilliesforme Lilliesforme
18-21, F
1 Response Mar 8, 2010

i (cant feel) what your saying, i understand but im starting to wonder is numbness the start of a psycolicle problem if i dont care whats going on around me and i look at people as though there experements dont feel love or hate or fear or anger or pain mentaly or phisicly then what am i capible of?