What Do I Call This? I Call It My Life.

When I was younger, I was convinced I wouldn't live to see 16. But I did. And to this day, I feel like that's probably my best accomplishment. Living to see 16. I still feel like that it's an accomplishment. And a powerful one. No matter how much older I get, I think I'll always feel shocked that I lived past 16. When I think about that, I truly am suprised. All I can ever really see about it is something like "Wow, I lived past 16."

If you met me before 16, you'd understand what I'm talking about. I don't know how many times I wrote out my suicide note, crying hysterically at 14 and 15. But it was an awful lot. I hated myself. More than anyone and anything on the planet. I'd look in the mirror and despise what I saw looking back at me and I wanted to hit the mirror until it was covered in cracks so it'd show me as broken and ugly as I was. I felt as if there was nothing to me. My likes and dislikes, my hobbies and my hates were all irrelevant. I felt as though all the things in my body that kept me alive and functioning, didn't exist. I was empty, devoid of humanity. The only thing that existed in me was anger. Anger constantly brewing in my stomach, that it felt like a physical pain sometimes. I felt as though I didn't carry blood in my veins. I carried sadness and anger and that was what kept me functioning. I didn't feel human. I was in pain every day for the first sixteen years of my life. So much pain. It was the only way I knew how to live.

In spite of that, if I could back to being any age, I'd want to be 15 again. It was the best year of my life. More bad things happened to me than good things, but I think that was the first year I had hope. It was when I got into punk rock music and the sole ambition of my life was to be in a rock band. But nobody wanted to play with me. Nobody really does now either. I like my job, but I certainly wouldn't say no to being in a band.

Sixteen was a rough age too. At least for a few months afterwards it was. But after that, I've had a completely different mindset. I don't know if I'll ever be normal. Well, as happy that normal people can get I suppose. I don't feel empty anymore. I'll admit that sometimes I'm apathetic, but I don't feel empty in body anymore. I've got blood in my veins. I have normal human organs. I'm not fueled by anger and sadness anymore. I can be happy.

And I'm grateful for that mindset. If I didn't have it, I'd be convinced I was living on borrowed time after sixteen. That I wouldn't get anywhere beyond anger and sadness. That I'd always be suffering, because of what others have put me through. But sometimes there are days when I fall flat on my face and I wonder if I'm fooling myself. Whether I really am running on anger and I just don't know it. That I still don't know what happiness is, and I probably never will.

And then I go back to liking myself and thinking I'm great and a normal human being.

What is normal nowadays anyway?

xxfallxoutxgirlxx xxfallxoutxgirlxx
18-21, F
1 Response Feb 7, 2010

that sounds like a terrible burden to bear! I went through a lot also. When I first got "out" I wasted time on drugs n basiclly just breaking down for a couple years. But then I realized that for once I was in charge of me. I chose who and what I was. You get good grades you can go to college and do something you want. Then for once you might be able to enjoy your life daily. Be careful who you date so you dont bring abuse back in your house. Empower yourself so that you can treat you like you always deserved. and Dont care this abuse one day farther than you should. long enough to process it, but dont let it continue to abuse u, or convince you that you didnt deserve love all along. I hated myself because i thought there must be something wrong with me to get treated that way. But there was something wrong with them. if you look at every other abused child on the face of the planet, did any deserve it or ask for it? No and if they didnt neither did you. no matter what you were told. kisses ;-)