From The Time As A Baby I Was The Red Haired Mongrol Kid Being Bullied

I was a very shy little girl, and very clingy.  I was so abused I don't know where to begin.

I was bullied by neighbours- this guy used to bash his wife and I was afraid of him, he used to hurt me and also his wife

I was bullied by my uncles and aunts- I'd want to run and hide so much, always hiding away from the world.

my uncles have sexually assaulted me - its very undigifiied and humiliating being molested as a 3-4 year old little girl. men have never treated me right.

he was tocuhing my virgina so much I used to feel so dirty.  I still recall the first -time or what I think was the first time cuz I do have vague memories

before hand but he told me to come over to him, and I was so stupid I did.  I still curse that silly little girl, that stupid little girl who blindly want to pleased everyone around her.  I hate that dumb kid really.  but he just was all over me and how could I tell anyone.  no one cared, no one gave a rats what was happening to me.  my older cousins used to scare me I was always so afraid of them, I didn't even know why really.  I couldn''t speak up properly anyway, but for the love of werner I couldn't have made it this far.  all those older kids were so cruel, they were always hurting me pinching me, bullying me, making fun of me, i couldn't dance properly, i couldn't speak properly and I couldn't understand things at times.  I got bullied by teachers, by school yard kids.  I was being sexually molested by 1, 2, 3, 4 people in my early years.  some were other kids and I don't blame them,  I blame the adults and the people who didn't help. 

i WAS RAPED and bashed, bash by older kids, bashed as a teen ,a nd then as an adult.

I was abused in other ways -passive by bad teachers at uni, school and by departments where I worked... the office of state revenue in qld is really shocking and it was an eye opener to me...I think I must have been protected at uni more than I thought.  cuz all day long the conversations were sex.

I have had people talk about me and spread lies that were just so untrue but ruined my career.

I have been bullied at the job networks I have been to. and at educational institutions - kelly college for one, and qut.

I felt bullied in the film group, and than again by the groups I mixed with.  I did like jasonin the first instance but he became a cockhead very quickly and many people told me he was up himself cuz he was good looking and knew it and was on drugs heaps, but I think he was a strange guy. but they are gone like i knew those sort of guys do not go for girls like me, and I don't care anymore anyway. and rick but he turned into a mental case, only once did he act half way nice and I think he was mental and all an act really,  he lloved degridating women,

I felt so abused by my in-laws and incredible fear around ron in particular, he is my uncle and he has sexually assaulted me and abused heaps of people in my family hes been in jail for stalking, and has abused his daughter,  and he molestered me as a child, he's hurt my grandmother and bashes his wife, and been in heaps of neighbour hood fights that go to court, its so immoral and everyone is so afraid of him, and it has also been my other rels like the bitchy women...and friends that have done me over vendictively.

I was abused by 2 therapists one at redlands mental health and another a private counselor.

what I have hated most is that more abuse the more my education and self esteme has suffered, I get dislexia when I panic. and I have had panic disorder all my life.  My grandmother and her brother were bad alcoholics and she burnt the house down, and she used to encourage him to molest me.

I want to break free of it. I don't know who to trust.  I still love some of these people and have bizar emotions ... I've had doctors abuse me and sex abuse and rape have been th most challenging for me to overcome as I have never really been able to find love or romance.  I went out with this married man who just took advantage of me, and I didn't want to have sex, he didn't ask if I was a virgin and he should have  he just went at me and I froze it was so scary to me and overwhelming I think I had a mild stroke but I collapsed not being able to breath and such a pain to my head I thought I was gonna die.  It still frightens me today... what happened? what was I doing here with this strange man I didn't ever know???? that was so out of character for me to do that.  why did I?  I still have anger to him.  he was married and he's acting like he was the one doing me this big favor.  I didn't know what to expect...did he drug me? what happened? why why why?  he date raped me, and all I could do was go home and cry.  I couldn't show him that.  I couldn't show him anything, he didnt want to know much about me but *******...I never wanted that.  I wanted to get to know a man.  I was so frighten I wanted to get up and leave serveral time in the night but i was too afraid, how could I tell him, I'm afraid, wait? and how could I just leave what if he woke up and didn't want me to leave. blood on the floor and out of my virgina.  and I was like feeling so sick.  I did something so wrong.  it felt dirty and wrong. it felt dirty and wrong just like when  the rape, happened

when I went to the doctor and had  virginal examination   I was crying I was in so much pain. I lied to the doctor and told her I'd had sex because I felt  embarrased

that 27 was too old to still be a virgin, I was forced into having a partial female genital circumsision and was ******* and bleed very badly I had no had sex before but this act alone broke my hymen and cut open my virgina.  One day I will pay that person back for that.  I have had pain ever since.

and hate having virginal or pap smears.  I was sore for a good 3 days afterwards and it made me cry.

I was sick of being made fun of and I felt embarrased, so at least if I had the examination he might think I wasn't a lesbian .  no decent man wanted a virgin I was told by the film group and others

no one wanted  to spend the time to get to know me or treat me right. much less any son of ***** actually love me and ask me out -like the way my sister was asked out, steven her first boyfriend at high school asked my father if he could take her out.  no man has ever done this for me.  and I wanted a man to get to know me and it would have been nice to fall asleep in his arms and cuddle and hug and do loving things before having sex, like I would have liked to wait a few weeks - my sister said she waited 5 months before her husband and her had sex, and he was her first.  I have been told I am too genuine and too honest and too loyal and I know this is true now.  and no man was good enough to wait for me.  I would have liked to have been loved by a man who knows how to love a woman, or like back when I was a teenager. I used to cry wondering why no man liked me.  into my twenties I felt like I was weird that no guys decent enough would show any love or affection towards me... I was always infatuated with some guy too distant or the guys at college were not into me - was I too ugly? or was I too under-educated for the nice ones.  I didn;t want to be treated like a spastic woman, but I wanted to talk inteligent talk, and there were guys I liked, rob, glen, and half the names I had forgotten...but they were too good looking and after far prettier and richer and clever girls than me.

and there was a few older men I had secret crushes on, but none of them would have cared, I mean we live in a world that is not really about caring,

rick and ken prooved that to me, they didn't care...they were so cold hearted and un-necessarily nasty.  like if any guy around me truely cared wouldn't they have helped me and been there and showed it from the heart - like knocked on my door and acted like a honest, mature gentlemen???

i really wanted to experience a loving first time even with some of the pain but now no- I don't want my virginity back and I hate pap smears etc. the amount of times I have had those things and the pain is blinding and everytime I have been near tears and crying out with the pain.

it was all wrong like most of my studpid life. won't someone wonderful and good please help me get it right. where are all the nice men out there? am I just a kick in the guts kid and self pitying dog?  any way I;ll never trust again, and I need no one I don't care if I end up mentally retarted or on the street,

I;d only miss my cats but if I had to put them down I would, but there is less likely hood of me in a realtionship now then ever, I get worried people have killed my cat and replaced her for another cat.

My sister often goes through my things and has given my clothes away to her friends.  Her ex's family used to go thru my things and broke intot the house and have hurt me deliberately, and they used to take drugs over on the island and laugh at us.

and it was what louise and nicj wanted- they were punishing me over a mental illness in their minds,  its the way they wanted it the sickos

I have nothing but loathing and hate for them, and mum knows what they all did, she knows I can tell.

there were many peopl who baby sitted me who abused me from people like the Edmunds, Doonans- my unty mary never liked me and she used to hurt me, and she used to make sure rose as her god-daughter was better off than me. I was looked after by this lady who was a complete *****...like my grandmother, I didn't like her at all, such a fat gruff *****. 

my family in-laws (especially my older cousins and auntys) have openly called me a dog and call me dirty names and have been abusing me...they call me lazy, retarted, spastic, and a dirty dog, and say I am a bad person, and a drug addict and childish, they call me names and try to hurt me if I don't fit into their weird satanic code.  They say things like "I don't like that mongrol little red hair **** kid...that's all she'll ever be" ; "I don't like her";  and they act with distain for me like I am below them, when I have done nothing to them, and they are the ones that have done abuse things to me.

what should I do? 

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
2 Responses Mar 16, 2010

I am sorry for your pain. The only thing I've learned from my abused past is that it's in my past. At no time did I deserve it, ask for it or need it. I'm over 50 years old and I gave myself the gift of being my own mother, since she wasn't fit to mother me. I also found a way to be my best friend when there was nobody around and I looked inside myself and learned to forgive them but NEVER FORGET! Karma does go around and I never want to be in their shoes when it does.

You can talk to me as well!!!