Finally Rid Of Abusers But Now Abusing Myself.

This morning I googled "I need help, need someone to talk to" and I found this lovely site, joined up an read some stories so now I've decided to share mine..
As a kid I was physically abused by an alcoholic family member, they have since recovered and I have forgiven them. I was also sexually abused but don't remember much and I'd rather it stay that way.
Throughout my time at school I was bullied, girls didn't really like me and I got on much better with guys.
In my finally year at school I met my first love who was 8 years older than me and the bullying stopped but what came next was physical and emotional abuse. Twice he almost killed me.
After 6 years I finally got the sense to leave him.
I was very ambitious and worked in a job for almost 10 years and rose up the ladder very quickly but in the end I was working insane hours, had no social life, stress levels were very high and didn't get on with my colleague and I had a "breakdown" so I quit the job.
I'm still being abused today and my abuser is myself! I'm lonely and lost and my best friend is my bottle of Chardonnay every night. I don't dwell on the past, I'm a daydreamer and I daydream everyday about a better life for myself. I'd love to find love but who will love me if I don't love myself? I do modeling part time, others think I'm beautiful but I don't see beauty when I look in the mirror, I see misery.
I Know it is up to me to change, I'm the creator of my own happiness but I have no willpower or motivation.
All my life I have had suicidal tendencies and I think I wouldn't be here only for my sister, I know how much it would hurt her and I will never hurt her.
Phoenixxx84 Phoenixxx84
26-30, F
9 Responses Jan 12, 2013

May the spark come to u soon

...pls don't see this as a veiled attempt at anything, {if u c my profile name} but if u want 2 talk it over, i'm here for u if u want 2 talk - I'm no expert or councillor, but it is insidious the things that people do 2 each other - I do feel for u, with what was happening at home & then u being bullied @ school - When I was @ school I used 2 beat up bullies bcos they were bullies - pls remember that '2moro is a bigger, better, brighter day' - if u need 2 talk, I WILL get back 2 u, not mayb straight away, but I WILL...take care

Thank you

Phoenix I believe it would be best to erase the past and move on :) Stand up for yourself and you will be respected and risen against abuse . Hope everything goes well.
We live a tale where things already written, cannot be re-written but we are the ones that hold the pen that guides us to our future.
Value your life , the people you love and love you and sail on :D

Thanks, I'm really trying to

I am super sorry for what you have been through and I do hope that somehow it all becomes better.Better in way that you are happy and satisfied in life.Thanks for sharing your story.

Thank you so much for your lovely comment

Sounds like you could really benefit from some counseling so you can clear the path and get your life going in a positive, healthy direction. There are many counselors who charge on a sliding-fee scale, so it isn't cost-prohibitive. One thing that really helped someone I know was getting a pet dog - if you have time/money for one; they're a great source of entertainment, companionship, laughs and unconditional love.

Thank you but I tried that and had a few different therapists. No joy.
I do have two wonderful dogs that make me smile and laugh everyday:)

Maybe you weren't ready for therapy at the time you tried it, or it just wasn't a good match. Don't give up - unless it's giving up the alcohol; it's so bad for you and the problems don't go away by drinking.

Yeah I know, it just numbs everything temporarily while taking lots from me. I'm finding this site very helpful with support from others and people who have been through similar experiences

Walking at a good pace is a much better choice for stress relief. Hell, even my mom said she'd leave an argument with my dad, go into the garage, sit in the car and just scream. Personally, I'd love to try kickboxing; one of the best looking female physiques I've ever seen was a lady who did KB for her workouts.

Yeah I do kickboxing classes once a week and they're great :) I also play drums so I like to vent anger playing them. I use alcohol mainly to put me to sleep... Can't sleep without it.

You should try taking Melatonin, instead. Also, get off the computer and TV at least 30 minutes before you want to try falling asleep. Alcohol actually will help you FALL asleep, but has proven to be disruptive to sleep.

I never heard of that? I haven't had a good nights sleep in years. The nights I haven't drank alcohol I've had cold sweats and nightmares

4 More Responses

Strength beyond your years - when you are happy, the perfect person will be there.

Thanks. I hope so :)

Read this and some of your other stories. It sounds like you are on the right path. Change is not an instaneous thing. It starts with the desire to change. The known is easier than the unknown even if the unknown will be better. The biggest step is to want to change. Once you start, they are many steps to take, but they are all easier than the first one. You are now what has been done to you. You are not what you do. You are a full and complete and unique person with special characteristics and abilities. You will grow past this one day.

Thanks so much for this comment. I do want to change more than anything and want to live a full filling life. Today I took the first step

Congratulations. There is a lot of spirit and a lot of heart in your stories. You make the world a better place. If there is anything I can do to help, let me know. I do not have all the answers, but I can always listen, understand to a degree, and give a damn.

Thank you. I appreciate that so much

A little drink is good for you, but a whole bottle may not be. You need to learn to love yourself more - you are beautiful, you do modelling. I hope you make some great caring friends who can help you get stronger and begin to smile and enjoy and appreciate life to the full. I know it isn't easy because of all you have suffered, but I have been bullied, so understand a little bit!

I need to make some big changes in my life, I want to change and that is how I found this site. Thank you for your lovely comment :)

Ask what you need to - you deserve a little kindness :)

hey girl. Its really disgusting the amount of disrespect you have been treated with. i wish i knew what to say to make you feel better but the sad **** in my life does not even begin to compare with the pain and suffering you have been subject to. all i can say is i hope eventually you find your strength and motivation again. life can be ******* cruel and i hope that positve karma will come your way. stay close to your sis and dont sell yourself short. if you are a pretty girl take advantage of being bless. dont entertain arseholes meet a decent guy....someone fun but who shows get me....stay bless girl....

That is such a lovely response, thank you so much. I do hope I will get a run of good luck and meet someone who will respect me, I'm a good person that will do anything for anyone so fingers crossed. Thanks again :)