Scleroderma

My beloved wife of almost 12 years succumbed to scleroderma 20 February 2012 just 5 days after her 58th birthday. Her sister, 2 of my daughters from a previous marriage and I threw her one heck of a combination Valentine's/birthday party while she laid in the hospital bed at hospice. She was barely able to move because she was so frail and weak, but mentally she knew what was going on and was able to mumble a few words and nod her head slightly. The party was all about her and she loved it.
Her family members stayed with her during the day and I relieved them usually at 7:20pm for the "night shift," watching over my wife.
The final evening on the 20th I arrived at hospice to relieve my wife's sister in law, it was 7:10pm. My wife's sister in law was dozing in a chair next to the bed. I noticed my wife was sitting up in the bed leaning and looking towards the entrance to the room which was unusual. Her eyes were half open as were her mouth. I felt her head with my hand and she was very warm as were her hands and arms. I noticed there wasnt any breathing and no pulse on her neck. I woke her sister in law up and told her to go get the nurse which she did.
I burst out into tears (as I'm doing now) knowing she had died just a few minutes before my arrival. I lost it. My wife was pronounced dead by the nurse.
I dont know what wouldve happened if she had died in my arms... if I had only been there a 5 minutes earlier. The position she was in the bed when I arrived, I could tell she was waiting for me. This has been on my mind alot, second guessing myself...maybe guilt, I dont know.
My wife was buried that Saturday, everything went perfectly. Three days later, my dad died of natural causes...he was 86.
I was in charge of both my wife's and dad's funeral arrangements, not to mention all the paperwork afterwards. Everything is currently pretty much taken care of.
The past 3 weeks have been hell for me, the mourning and grief has finally hit me full force. Everytime I think of her I cry uncontrollaby, I'm so sad. I've kept myself busy, it doesnt work. I dont think I could contain myself in a support group session. Just the thought of other peoples losses of loved ones makes me burst out crying, let alone my loss.
My wife suffered in pain for the last 5 years of her life and I know she is currently in a better place without pain and suffering...I have told everyone that I wouldve gladly traded places with her...her life meant more as she was more worthy of living than me, she was a kind and gentle soul, loved animals. She didnt deserve this.
I have been praying to God for strength and guidance. I wish my wife were here, I loved her deeply. The house is so lonely without her. I was her primary caregiver for the last 5 years and miss taking care of her. I've been taking good care of her cat as I promised.
I have never ever felt so much sadness in my life.
Thank you.
dawg3091 dawg3091
56-60, M
3 Responses May 19, 2012

I just Got done reading this and it sounds so much like I went through . I was married to my michelann for 13 years and she had a few Health issues And Like You I took care of her for the last 3 years or more I did not care about anything else but your well being . She passes away this year july 2015 And I know you posted in 2012 but I am sorry for your Loss and I am going through Hell right now her not being here But Somehow I made it to four months without her and reading Helps me out a little But the Pain in the Body comes right Back.

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I feel for you, I lost my wife of nearly 45 years (and 48 years together) three weeks ago. She had been ill for some years with Multiple-System Atrophy but she died from something as simple as a urinary infection. I can't believe it and I am totally distraught asfter losing my soul mate. I also feel that I must have missed something but she had no symptoms apart from a lower than usual urine output. I took her to the doctor and he prescribed anti-biotics. Ruth had been prone to urinary infections but they always cleared up. Next day, she collapsed in our bedroom as she got up and espite all attempts by me, the ambulance people and the hospital she could not be revived and "died" a few hours later, although I suspect she actually died in our bedroom.<br />
We were the happiest couple in the world and i have had so many cards and messages from people saying most people can only dream of having a relationship like we had.<br />
I miss Ruth terribly and smply cannot comprehend how i will manage without her. We were together every day and rarely did anything without the other. We were one entity; now half has gone. Ruth is buried in our local churchtard in a double grave so that I can be with her forever when I die, which I hope will not be too long in the future.<br />
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God bless.. Brendan