Miss My Wife

Hi everybody thought this might help me and was seeking some advice from people that have gone through the same thing instead of hearing people giving there advice about something luckily they have never experienced. 5 months ago my wife was diagnosed with advanced stomach cancer and she passed away 7 weeks after. We didn't even get the chance to fight it ... So I'm a bit angry with the cards life gave us. I've know my wife for 13 years and last year we decided to get married and had all these plans of what we wanted to do and then this happened. I'm completely lost I miss her so much .... I don't really know what to do, I've lost all interest in things and I tend to try to keep busy at work as much as I can. I do breakdown a lot but then i think how strong she was dealing with her diseases that i just try to fight it and continue. Also I don't know if this is normal but I tend to talk a lot to my wife as she was next to me.

I know everybody says time heals .... Is that true or does it just numb it

Thanks

Any tricks to help would be appreciated
Rick1979 Rick1979
31-35
5 Responses Jan 9, 2013

I have found the following things to help;

1) I go to a bereavement group meeting 2x a month at the local hospice, been going for a year now, it helps to know there are others in similar experiences and be able to share those feelings. I strongly encourage anyone to go, you have to make yourself go just like you breath, make yourself go, because half the time it will be hard. But hospice doesn't cost anything and everyone will welcome you warmly because they too know what you are feeling. Participate with a GROUP.

2) I am spending time doing things I haven't done for myself in a long time, and trying to let my self enjoy them. I use to take off and go for a drive somewhere for the day out of the blue. Just take off and go. When I was single it was easy. I liked driving somewhere on my day off and exploring the local sites at random, it was a way for me to relax. Maybe for you it is something else like playing golf until sunset, or starting out on a hike before dawn, going to Walmart at 3 am, or maybe your thing is sailing, but you always came home before sunset because the wife and kids were home, well now you can sleep on the boat and stay the night and sail more in the morning before going home. Whatever makes you feel like a kid again, like your getting away with something that you find fun and you like to do. Do it.

You don't have anyone at home to call anymore and tell them you will be late, you don't have to explain yourself why your doing this or that, just go do it now, take your time, don't rush home, and let yourself enjoy it. Ill admit the first few times it might feel really strange and you might feel the need to get back home by a certain time, that's ok. But slowly but surely resist that urge to feel your need to check in or get back by a certain time, because fact is you really don't. In other words go out and PLAY.

3) As a Christian I found plenty of time and excuses to not spend time reading my bible or spending time in fellowship with other believers. Especially the last few years my wife was ill and didn't feel like going to church herself, then I didn't go either. Since she passed I spend a lot more time with the Lord, everyday throughout the day, that relationship has taken hold in my left where the other left a big void.

But it doesn't stop there, that is moving me to get out of the house and get involved into the lives of others. Even if your not a Christian, I do believe this will help. Go volunteer at the local whatever you want, the mission, shelter, food bank, youth group, etc. Get out there and share, you've been through a lot and your still standing, you have so much strength to offer to others you have no idea. But you have to GET UP & GET OUT.

4) I use to love laying beside my wife and snuggling up next to her in the mornings before jumping out of bed to start the day, and at night before I went to sleep. I still do that, she is just not there physically. In other words allow myself a few minutes in the morning before I get out of bed to close my eyes and snuggle in the sheets and think of her by my side. Only when I want to and only for 5-10 minutes and that's it, then its time to get up get on with my day. During that time I allow myself to whatever, think of her, smile at her, cry about it, talk to her. The important think is to limit it to a certain amount of time, and some mornings I just get up and don't even think about. But if you do start about her/him, limit it to a reasonable amount of time and then get thinking about something else. Be realistic, even if they were there right now which one of us would give up our entire day and sit there and stare at them, so why is it now they are gone we might inf fact allow ourselves to do that? Its nuts. Start putting LIMITS on the time you spend thinking about them, but do allow yourself that time.

I do keep some picture of her around the house, more now than before. BUT, when I notice a photo somewhere in the house, on my desk or on my computer that stirs me to think of her just out of the blue anytime during the day, as a reminder so to speak, I remove that photo and put it somewhere else. In other words I want photos around I can look at, just not at the end of the hallway where I see it every time I just happen to be walking down the hallway. If I want to look at her photo I want to have to peer around the corner or go into the other room or whatever, I want to have to seek to see her photo, not placed everywhere that out of the blue I just happen to see. Because most of the time it will bring me back to where I'm trying to limit spending all my days at. Its like someone trying to quit smoking, you don't leave cigarettes, ashtrays and lighters laying around all over the place.

5) Keep a journal, those 10 minutes or so I spoke of earlier, in the beginning is more like a couple of hours or all day, I journaled a lot in the early days, wrote letters to her, thoughts wishes, whatever. No one will see it but you, and sometimes latter I looked back through it and added to it. Now I pretty much have put that away for those rare occasions I feeling particularly blue, I might get it out and look through it and maybe even write. Ive always journaling helps, I think it does. If for no other reason it will give you a record for your review one day to see where you've been and how far you've come.

6) If I start to cry while driving to the store or where ever because I'm thinking of her, I allow myself the freedom to do so for a bit, but only a bit, then I quit and say that's enough and then work on getting back to what I was doing. In other words when those occasional bursts occur, let him, don't try to suppress them. You will feel better and it will help lead you forward to go with it rather than not.

7) If I feel like saying something to my wife during the day, I do that to. Don't misunderstand, I think if you start talking to your dead spouse everyday at length you might need some help with counseling, but I use to always make comments to her during the day like " did you see that" or like "wasn't that something", or my favorite " I sure love you and miss you". I say it, sometimes a few times during the day or night. But that was my side of the 2 sided relationship, and because she is not here anymore doesn't mean the relationship is simply gone, rather the nature of it has changed substantially. But I'm still here and if I continue in those occasional comments throughout the day it is simply me continuing to uphold my side of the relationship. Of course you might want to be aware of who is around so people at work don't start wonder why you talk to yourself so often now LOL

8) Which brings up another point, Ive been fortunate no one around who to bother me. But if you are hearing the usual cliches from others around, maybe you need to surround yourself in a different environment. The cliches go something of the sort like; "you need to move on, they are in a better place, you'll survive, you'll move on, you need to (you fill in the blank), etc. Anyone who has been where you are usually will not say these things because they know how stupid these sayings really are. Realize these people usually mean well, they just haven't been there, done that, yet. When their turn comes, you will have a chance to be a pillar of strength they will desperately need.

9) And finally one of my favorites, begin to look at the bright side, begin to embrace the new world of possibilities. Yes, it will be a little scary at first but imagine the possibilities, maybe you cant right now but they are out there. For the first time in a very long time for many of us we now have choices to make entirely on our own, where we will spend a holiday, a new and different career, an opportunity to volunteer somewhere, a new home, a new city, or maybe just living alone and become more acquainted with ourselves, having endured one of the greatest trials in life, love and loss.

As a Christian I believe but I also believe it applies to anyone even if they do not know Jesus, and that is that the experiences of life serve for a greater purpose. Which one of us when we were children enjoyed everything our parents had to do to make sure we learned some of the lessons of like if we were to grow up into useful adults? Some of those experiences though seemingly painful at the time served a greater purpose? The point here is we must retain some hope, hope that in all things something greater is produced that we simply understand this moment in time because of the pain we are enduring, but preserver to the end and have faith that in all things something of a purpose is served and we will one day discover that too. God Bless and may the peace of Jesus Christ find you.

I also lost my beautiful wife to stomach cancer, she was only 46, we had such a wonderful marriage, that I also find myself talking to her. I'm not saying it gets easier with time, but it's more of accepting that she is gone, but her beautiful memories are always with me.

I to have lost my wife to cancer after only a 6 month fight, my soulmate of 32 years was taken from me at only the age of 49 this past october, I read these posts and find there are to many of us out here in the same shoes and damb it hurts, I cry everyday most days more, the house is full of her decorating,trinkets, you know - stuff! dont feel crazy for talking to her, I do it all the time too,as im sure we all do, I think she can hear and it helps me. The holidays were brutal, I look forward to spring in hopes that will help more ,winter is depressing. Its just not fair and we dont understand ,Cancer just made her suffer so and she was always such a strong working outgoing person. So am I mad hell yes I am, I try to keep my faith she told me to be good and believe in the lord so we would see each other again. I have been to a support group as mentioned in previous post, and its true I was the younges one there @ 50 so it does make you feel cheated knowing you wont be able to fulfill those plans of growing old together and now its just your lost and lonely self, god bless us and help us all.

First, you are doing the right thing by telling your story. Tell it to anyone who will listen. It helps. One thing I have wanted was people to talk to me and listen to me about my wife. Most men, don't have the close friends that know how to let us share. I've been going through my loss for 12 months now. My wife fought her cancer for 9 years and passed Feb 2012 at 45. I also try to be strong because of the strength that she fought with for so long. Don't fault yourself when you feel weak. There is nothing wrong with feeling lost and lonely. It is part of grieving. I wrote another post that gives some ideas that I hope help. Its on the My Best Friend? post from Jan 15th.

I know your pain. My wife, 31, died one month ago after battling cancer for 7 months. We were married just over two years. Not a day goes by where I don't break down. Work helps, but it's so depressing to come home to an empty home every day.

I recommend getting help: a psychiatrist and a bereavement group. A word on groups: most bereavement groups are filled with older people, and it hurts to see people who were able to live out their lives together. For younger people, I highly recommend the book "I'm Grieving as Fast as I Can: How Young Widows and Widowers Can Cope and Heal," by Linda Feinberg.