Falling And Falling...

I can first remember being called fat around third grade. I don't know why but I was overweight, maybe not by much, but when you're a kid even five pounds is a lot. From there I steadily grew more and more unattractive. When I was in the fifth grade I overheard my mother telling my dad that I wore a bigger clothing size than my eldest sister who was 16. I wore glasses and had awful and gangly teeth. We weren't very wealthy and I always wore hand me down clothes and had poor hygiene. Needless to say my self esteem was falling by the hour. My parents never really took the time to encourage me to do things, I just had a natural talent for keeping myself together and earning high grades at school. For a long time I hated myself. I still do, but that is a hard thing to admit. I loved to make people laugh but I always ended up just being awkward and in turn being made fun of myself, usually for being fat or too smart or the Teacher's Pet. More than anything I wanted the love and attention I always lacked. Boys never wanted to be my boyfriend, often times I was too obnoxious to be well liked.

My weight gain was fueled by these feelings of sadness that escalated into a depression that has continued to haunt my life. Out of all of my 22 years, I have been happy for 8 (childhood) and content for 8 months (we'll get to that in a moment). My loneliness was curbed by food and I only felt normal by myself. I hated myself so much, mostly for being a big, fat and ugly loser that no one liked and mostly just embarrassed my parents and family. I always wanted to be a thin, pretty girl with any boyfriend. So I tried dieting. Most of the time I would lose and give up after just one day. Finally I found a plan. I started the Atkins Diet at age 16 and became a die-hard weight loss activist. I didn't learn any good new habits, I just replaced the food I was eating with food that didn't have carbohydrates in it. So I lost thirty pounds and was thrilled. After six months I decided it was time to switch back to regular foods, and every single person I knew thought they were the authority on dieting and weight loss and told me that I would gain it all back straightaway. Being just 16, I had no idea how to control my eating. Soon I lost control and began eating excessively, and somewhere down the line I decided to try throwing up.

The first time I threw up was awful. I knelt over the toilet shoving my fingers down my throat while I began sweating. Not much food came up but it was enough for me to think this was a good idea. I think I mostly began it because I knew I needed attention, something wasn't right in my life and I needed love and care. I also dreaded more than anything in this world of regaining the weight and life I had lost. I thought that soon after starting an eating disorder that someone would notice and come and rescue me. After six months of regular binging and purging, I told my parents that I was bulimic on my birthday. I had gotten a boyfriend and he dumped me because of my eating disorder. He said that he couldn't love someone that didn't love themselves. When he left my house I ran to the side of the house crying and hysterical and threw up. I woke my parents up to tell them about it all. They cried and cried. But nothing changed. Nothing at all. Why didn't they care? I lied and said that I was going to stop. Five years later and I threw up tonight. I have tried getting help several times only to plunge back into my depression and relive it all again. I can't stop binging and purging and after yo yo dieting for the past few years I am back at the top of the scale. Tonight I saw a picture of myself when I was happy those 8 months. I was very thin, athletic, tan and beautiful. I had everything and I have lost it all. I am at my breaking point right now. I can't stop this battle with food or with my mind. I feel like I have jumped down a slide and am falling, falling, falling. The more I fall the further I will have to climb to get back up to the top. I feel so hopeless. I hate my life.


hopelesstx hopelesstx
22-25, F
Mar 3, 2010