My Life Is A Mess...

So here it is...I am 42 years old...married, three children, beautiful home, nice cars, etc. So people think I have it all but I don't. My life is an empty vessel - loveless...I married my husband 19 years ago an I loved him so much...He was the bad boy and I was the good girl. I dated guys that treated me wonderfully, called me beautiful, showered me with compliments,,,and I fell for the bad boy. Right from the beginning of our marriage (and I knew this before) my husband was a huge pot smoker, he continually lied about where our money was going when we could barely make ends meet...and continually lie and use money..for pot (over a hundred dollars a week and back then when we were barely making any money that was food for our table). I put up with the lies...then when we had our first child came the ****....constant ****, on chat sites (bizarre ones at that) and when I would walk in the room the computer would be quickly shut down...to say I wasn't't feeling insecure was an understatement - I continually questioned him and challenged him about lying, if he was cheating on me etc. Then our second baby came....same thing small white lies all the time...but I was a crazy ***** who never trusted him. Then our second baby came along...and he was emotionally distant...and one day a guy that I had fooled around with long before we were married or dating phoned me up and just talked. (he was living with someone but no kids) and he listened to me, and he treated me nicely, and he asked me how my day at work went, and he wanted me but I would not go any farther then the talking because I was married...but sneaking around and talking to a guy I use to like was wrong on my part too...i admit that and I beat myself up about it. Well we got caught talking when his significant other discovered the text messages and it all came crashing down. I moved out for two days with the kids, and then my husband begged me to come back and we would work it out Part 2 - So I moved back in with my husband and lets just say the next two years were hell...He basically raped me the first night I came home and then when he knew he had the upper hand, he treated me like garbage,,,,Then something happened and live calmed down for a while and I was content. We bought land and built a big house and started over again.  The first year was a sad one as we watched a parent pass away from cancer and then I got pregnant...only to lose the baby....I got pregnant again and we had our last child who I love to  pieces and he makes me feel young again.  Life has never been perfect but that first year with a new baby was so good and I was so in love with my husband again and I think he even loved me.  Now 6 years later things are bad.  My husband became emotionally distant about 5 months ago,,,and I am very sensitive and insecure and picked up on this.  We had an argument and he told me he wanted to leave me and I thought a bomb dropped on my head because I thought even if we had our struggles we would always work it out and be together.  Then he said he was sorry and didn't mean it but he has been so distant.  I tried to email him during the day spicy little texts or I Love yous...only to get a one word response, "me too". or no response at all...Then he started carrying his work phone with him everywhere...from a person who couldn't't find it half the time to everywhere!!  So being insecure and suspicious I would check his phone...and realized he was emailing someone....When I questioned him I was called crazy again, a creeper etc etc.  Then today he told me he was talking to his daughter that he had when he was 15...He said I would freak out and yes I did and I wanted him to prove to me that's who he was talking to....Well tonight when I asked to see the account he deleted it...and wouldn't show me.  He also told me it is none of my business what he talks to his long lost daughter about.  If I don't accept it he will leave...and here I am wondering what to do, crying my eyes out, and wondering if I just wasted the last 24 years of my life between the time we dated and the time married,   I have a good job but I am so scared to be on my own
confusedwithlife42 confusedwithlife42
41-45, F
1 Response Dec 13, 2012

Wow. I'm so sorry you have to deal with so much emotional abuse. I know it's been awhile since you wrote this, but my advice to you is to leave. It obviously isn't getting better. Probably never will. You only get one ride on this crazy merry-go-round of life. Try to make it as happy as you can. :) Hang in there.