They Both Claimed to Love Me

Late last year, my best friend approached my husband to tell him that she was falling in love with he and I . She wanted to be a part of our life, our love. I had misgivings because he and I had several problems and I wanted to work on that before starting anything. His feeling was that, if we three were together, everything would fall into place.

Reluctantly, I allowed it to happen. It was great for the first few weeks. As far as the physical relations went, we did have several three-way sessions. I had imposed three restrictions to the whole thing. The first, that they wouldn't have intercourse until I was ready and ok with it. The second, that they wouldn't do things while I wasn't around. The third, that whenever I was ok with them having intercourse, they would use a condom. He was disappointed, but she was so understanding. My feeling was that, as the slowest member of the triad, they should go at my pace. They both agreed.

As things progressed, they began to... pull away from me. I noticed it and it was painful. I did what I could to try to follow them, but no matter what I did, they kept getting farther away. As this happened, I started to get sad and angry. The "relationship" continued, but it was getting harder and harder for me. I also had the distinct impression that, while she kept telling me she loved me, she truly wanted him. Also, I feel she bagan gaslighting me. She would say little things that started to eat at me, things that would suggest that I was not wanted. Things that suggested I wasn't part of the relationship, as I had suspected. She played on the insecurities she knew I had, the ones I had confided in her long before this ever happened. I felt she was trying to get me to leave. I tried to tell him about my feelings, but he was so sure the three of us was the right way, that he said I was wrong. "Of course, she loves you. Don't be silly. She wants both of us, not just me".

Things became worse in December. She went out of the country in January for almost a month. While she was gone, he and I worked so hard to start fixing our relationship, and it was working. We were doing well and we were getting happy. Both of us had the idea that, when she came back, we would all be happy. He emailed her that we were doing better, and she stopped contacting him so much. I thought, and asked him if he thought it was because she was unhappy that we were doing well. He admitted he thought it might be the case, but he hoped not.

When she came back, the game started.We picked her up at the airport. That day was pretty nice. He and I went home that night feeling hopeful. The next day, she told us she was planning on moving to the foreign country within a year. Both of us were devastated, but determined to make the time we had left good. We saw her twice more that week. The next week, she told us she needed some alone time and not to contact her. He was upset, I felt it was a game. We both respected her wishes, but our progress came to a grinding halt. We ceased to move. We were in a holding pattern. One week after that, she called him and said she needed to end it because she wanted to be the only one in a man's life, to have children, to have the option to marry. He took it as the end. I saw it for what it was, a game to get him to say 'I can be that man, I will leave my wife for you".

When he didn't do that, she called the next day and told him that I would destroy him if he stayed with me, I am emotionally abusive, etc. She told him that they could have a good life if only he chose her.

That was this past Friday afternoon. That began the worst week of my entire life.

Friday, I felt betrayed by my best friend, my sister, my lover. She had pretended to love me just to be close to him. She had pretended to love me to manipulate us. That night, he told me he was in love with her, not me. I felt I deserved a chance to work on the marriage. I would die for him and I love him with my entire soul. We were at R's house. The ex-best friend had told R (our other best friend) that she was going to make a move for my husband and R sat him and me down to tell us. I could not handle hearing of her betrayals over and over again so I ended up drunk. The raw horror and sorrow came out. He saw it. I believe that, before that, he was going to leave. But the next morning, he said he needed to think about it.

Then she called. He went to her that day. I didn't say anything, but please be home so I can talk to you before we had to go out. I had asked him to be home by 4, he said 5. He came home at quarter of 6, with 15 minutes to spare. I felt so insignifigant. That night, we went to a commitment we had with R, a meet-up for a group we all run. She didn't come, of course. But she did create a drama situation with him and R. She was lying left and right, up and down. She finally used the threat on him: You have betrayed me and I don't know what to do. He was ready to run to her that night.

It was 11pm on Saturday. She lives 30 minutes away. He had to work Sunday. I asked him not to respond to her manipulations, plus the fact that he was with her all day, don't I deserve some time. He stood at the door in his coat, unsure what to do. I finally said "You're going to go down there, sit up most of the night trying to reassure her in her manipulations. Then what? You'll fall asleep with her? Have sex with her?" His answer:"It's too late in the evening for that". My jaw hit the floor. It wasn't "No, we won't have sex now". It was "It's too late tonight". I said "You had sex with her already, didn't you?" He didn't respond. I said "It was today, wasn't it? That's why you didn't come home on time!" He finally confessed that, in late December and Jan (before she left), they had sex repeatedly. They had had an emotional affair, and now they had had a physical affair too! I slapped him across the face, but I then realised I could forgive him still. But I was shocked. His mother and grandmother had both been destroyed by affairs, and he had always said he wouldn't ever do that. But he did... and she did... The betrayals stacked up. I thought that night that my heart would never break more than it had then. I prayed that would be the worst news I'd hear, the worst night I'd have. One good thing, he didn't leave that night to go to her.

On Sunday, he came home from work and I believe was ready to leave me. I broke. My soul broke. He saw it and realised that he still does care, but wasn't sure what to do. Sunday was worse than Sat.

Monday morning, I could not leave the house. He was off that day and I couldn't go to work. He and I talked for hours. I asked for a chance, for him to give our marriage a chance. If we work on it and commit to that, we can fix it. I told him I will fight for him and I will not back down. I asked if we could have a nice day that day. He agreed. She cannot take when he is with me, so she started texting and calling. She played her "You're never going to leave her, just stay! Goodbye!" text message games. When he didn't call her back fast enough, she called him and said she wants him. It's all games. Finally, I said loud enough for her to hear: "Why am I not worth you facing me? Why can't I have the same chance to work this out? Why isn't our 8 year relationship worth a shot without your games? Why can't you stop?" She hung up on him and called me 10 minutes later. I said a lot of things to her. I told her how awful I am feeling and how betrayed I feel. She was hostile at first, but calmed down. She was never sincere though. She tried to play the "I tried to kill myself, did he tell you?" card. I said "I did as well, three times".

I explained to her that I will not quit. I will not walk away. This is my life I am fighting for. She then said she would walk away from him. She asked to speak to him an told him that. He wouldn't let her. Though I also suspect she lied to me anyway. He ended up going to her again that night, but said that he wanted to work on it with me.

So now, we are here. He has not cut ties with her. Last night, he and I had a wonderful night, we went out together, talked, existed, made love. It was the most wonderful night in that it was so... normal. So simple.

Then why is it. this morning I come to realise that I am truly wishing to be dead? It's because I saw a taste of paradise, but I am so afraid it is a lie. He and I will talk tonight, but I don't think his heart is in this. I think he wants to go to her, but he feels obligated to me. On one hand, I want to use that to try and make him see that his life is here and I can make him happy. On the other hand, do I really want to be with someone who may never again love me? Someone who would still speak to the person who so utterly betrayed and shattered me?

Don't get me wrong. I made mistakes through our marriage, but nothing so awful as to never be able to fix it.  I never cheated, lied, betrayed. Yet, it is me doing the chasing. Chasing someone who lied, cheated, and betrayed me. Someone I would still die for, even now. That's why I want to die. Would it make him happier? Would his pain go away? He wouldn't have to decide anymore. I would have made that decision.

Surujen Surujen
31-35, F
1 Response Feb 25, 2009

Let me tell you from a guy's perspective LEAVE THE BASTARD!! He's acting like a weak willed little wussy with letting her manipulate him like she does. Sometimes no matter how badly you want something to work out, it's not going to. Maybe a lengthy time apart from you will make him realize what a mistake he's making and he might come back to you(if you still want him that is). Either way the holding pattern wich your in right now is never going to work out good for either one of you. I hope you able to work things out and be happy no matter what the outcome is.