Today I Found Out..

Today i found out what my boyfriend of 3 years has been hiding for me. For 2 years he has been hiding that he had a one night stand with some random girl. What? This hurts so bad! He is my first love and first real boyfriend. He always told me he was being faithful, and i was the person he loved most in this world. He is my best friend and i have no where else to go. But there is no way i can keep this bottled up, which is why i am doing this.
I can't loose him, but i don't know if i can handle what he has done to me. Emotionally crushed. Thinking way too much about what happened physically. Where i was. Was i just sitting around happy, loving him with all my heart, not knowing what he was doing. Was it safe? I could have ended up with an STD! What a selfish pig. I hate this so much. i don't deserve this.
Yesterday this wasn't even a possibility. We were supposed to be moving in together at the end of the month. I'm dropping my entire life for this person. A perfect job, my dream school, stable living, EVERYTHING! I'm moving for him. And as he sat down to fill out his half of the rental app, he started to cry and walked out of the room. I didn't what was wrong with him and he avoided for the rest of the night. In the morning all he wanted to do was hold me and tell me he loves me. I didn't know at the time but he had already slipped some kind of confession/breakup note into my backpack.( I can't believe he expected me to go back to my home an hour and a half away and read this stupid note!) Anyway after confronting him many times i finally told him i wasn't leaving with out him telling me what he was hiding. He gave me the note. I was already breaking down halfway threw reading it and he said it was only once two years ago. AHHH I hadn't even gotten to that part yet, but had halfway been expecting it. I couldn't control myself, my world was crashing around me, and its all coming back as i write this down.
I think I'm still pretty numb to it. I can't believe it really happened. My whole life has changed today.
We are still together as of right now and i really want to trust him. He is still going out to a club tonight and i can't go because I'm not 21. I don't think he is ready for this commitment to me, but i don't know how to let him go. We have grown so much together. Yesterday i would have not believed this was possible. I'm broken.
sarahbearmail sarahbearmail
Aug 5, 2010