Sex, Lies And Sti's

My boyfriend and I have a complicated history.

The first year and a half of our relationship was marred by his flirting with other girls. So bad so, that on one occasion I even turned up at his flat to wait for him to come home one night, fully expecting him to bring a girl I'd seen him flirting with home. On that occasion my mistrust was unjustified as he came home alone and even my own sister had seen him in a bar and said girl was no where in sight. Naturally, I started thinking I was just paranoid. But, on another occasion a work colleague told me that she suspected he'd cheated on me with another work colleague. When I saw him he told me what happened before I could ask and said that this colleague and he had been having a drink after work and she'd offered him sex, which he turned down. I was furious at him, saying that he must have led her on to make her think that it was OK to offer no strings sex, and he admits that he probably was partly to blame for the situation occurring.

The it happened. He cheated on me in a one night stand with a dirty slag he'd known all of two hours. And afterward, according to him, he kicked her out and sat up half the night crying with guilt. The next day when I saw him he acted like a complete ***** towards me. After a while I snapped and it was during this argument that he told me that he'd cheated on me. I was absolutely distraught.

When I calmed down I spoke to him. Something he'd said earlier was bugging me - he'd said he still cared for me. I asked him if by 'care for' he meant love, and he said he did. I left it a few days to think things through and calm down. Then I met up with him to talk things through. He told me that he cheated on me because he was unhappy, but after he realized that the only thing that made him happy was me and having cheated on me he'd lost everything. He was genuinely miserable about what he'd done, you could see it written all over his face and he's no actor. And after a few hours talk I decided to take him back because, despite everything, I still loved him. But, three days later I made my first mistake.

One night after work, I jumped in my car on impulse and drove to see him. He was overjoyed to see me and, like a fool, we had sex. Even more foolishly, it was unprotected sex. Six months of nagging later I finally manage to drag him to a GUM clinic, where - surprise surprise - we're informed we both have chlamydia. Again, I'm devastated. Not only has he cheated on me but he's turned me into one of those statistics that the TV adverts harp on about. I consider breaking up with him again. But, then I find myself thinking 'Well, we've come this far' and so I stay with him. Cue six months of antidepressants for me.

A few months later we go out to Spain on a 'much needed holiday', which unfortunately meant we had to stay with his parents who live out there and were blissfully ignorant to half the **** that had happened between us. During a drunken argument his parents proceeded to tell me that I'm a control freak, no good for their precious son and they'd be damned if they're going to stand by and let me ruin his life! All this said while I sit there in floods of tears and while my boyfriend does nothing to defend me. Before we leave to come home his parents apologize, but I feel like the damage is already done. His parents are still kissing my *** to this day.

A year passes and my boyfriend and I seem to have pulled it together. I'm off the anti-depressants, we're both happy and the past is no longer hanging over us.

He then tells me that an 18 year old girl he works with has started calling him to talk about her ex-boyfriend who is 'stalking' her. Considering that he's her boss, 8 years her senior and not to mention that he's in a relationship with me, I tell him I think it's inappropriate and to tell her to stop calling him - after all, she might claim that he's stalking her too! No! She wouldn't do that, right???

A few days pass and I happen to glance at his phone that he's left on the desk - there's a text from her open on the screen. Although, the only implication that something is 'going on' in the text is the kiss at the end, I completely flip at him. He convinces me it's a work-related message and I have nothing to worry about. But I know something's not right - given my past experiences with him I know when he's lying and he is most certainly feeding me a line here. So, a few days later, I go online onto his itemized phone bill and lo and behold he'd been texting her up to 50 times a day and calling her at all hours of the day, sometimes on the phone for as long as 40 mins. Again I collapse into a pit of despair.

I confronted him and he told me that they had simply been bitching about their mutually **** lives and that nothing was 'going on'. Not believing him, I rang her up and agreed to meet up with her to talk, even though on the phone she said 'nothing happened' between them. I met up with her and she then proceeded to tell me that he had been stalking her, calling her and texting her at all hours of the day, making inappropriate comments while at work together and had even tried to kiss her while at work. Moreover, he perved on all the girls at work and was a complete lech.

Her story was full of contradictions and blatant lies (for example, one of the first things she said was 'He's hardly spoken to me!' - guess what? The itemized phone bill says otherwise!), and in all fairness to my boyfriend, I didn't believe most of what she said. The most telling thing for me was that she hadn't kept a single text message or call record to prove what he'd been doing. Now, why would someone delete the evidence before pulling the sexual harassment card? Doesn't make any sense. So, the way I see it is that either the texts were completely harmless and therefore weren't worthwhile keeping, or the texts WERE reciprocated and she didn't want me to know she'd been encouraging him.

Since then my boyfriend has had nothing to do with her - he even left his job the day after I confronted him - and when I ask him about it he seems bitter, saying that he thought this girl was a friend he could trust, when all she's done is turn on him and fabricate all these lies. I still don't know whether to believe that nothing happened between the two of them, but I'm never going to know for sure as she has proved that she's a liar. I don't think he cheated on me, but I think things were said by both parties that shouldn't be said. I mean, how could it only be him if she stayed on the phone to him for 40 minutes at 1am? It just doesn't add up.

On top of all this, he seems to have decided that he needs to show me how much the relationship means to him. This has been shown through him insisting that we open a joint bank account together (even though I don't work, so I have free access to all of his wages) and trying to find a house together. He even wants us to get engaged.

After all this, I'm confused. I don't know where I stand or what I should do. I love him, but I'm not prepared to put up with his lying and deceit anymore. The most annoying thing is that before the latest incident happened I was genuinely starting to trust him again, now I'm worried we're going back to square one. My heart wants to give him one more chance and to believe that this last situation was just a big misunderstanding, but my head is telling me to look before I leap.

What do I do now?

LovestruckFool LovestruckFool
5 Responses Aug 8, 2010

Broke up with him five days ago. Found out he had cheated on me again two weeks previous and been hiding it from me. Will never take him back.

I am sorry that you are going through that but as much as I believe in giving people second chances he blew it and I think you should break it off with him and if he wants to come back to you that would be your choice but I think if this relationship worth keeping then go to counseling for both of you. If you don't have trust you don't have anything and you can't spend your whole life worrying and running behind you will go crazy and then he will continue to do what he wants to do . So think about it. Good Luck......

Simple as this, break up. I know you might still be attached, but he has issues. You don't deserve this. You may be afraid to be alone for a while, but it's better than being treated like this.

Simple as this, break up. I know you might still be attached, but he has issues. You don't deserve this. You may be afraid to be alone for a while, but it's better than being treated like this.

Simple as this, break up. I know you might still be attached, but he has issues. You don't deserve this. You may be afraid to be alone for a while, but it's better than being treated like this.