The Hurt Of Being Cheated On

My husband and I have been married almost 12 years, dated off and on prior to that, so in total have known each other for 17 years. We have 3 children, and what I thought was a good life. He's active duty military so we're away from our family and friends back home, but are currently in a place where it felt like home. He recently came back from deployment and just like everyone else, experiened some ups and downs, but never did "cheating" really come into my mind. Something kept nagging at me and I kept asking him and of course he denied it. This past weekend, I found the proof (text messages) and confronted him. He initially denied it, but finally owned up to it, well almost. He admitted to the texting, but not the phone calls or the pictures/videos. I was shocked and couldn't believe it. It turned out she was the mom of a young man he'd recruited a few years ago who also happens to be stationed where we are. When this young man returned from deployment (about 2-3 months ago) his mother and sister where here visiting and apparently that is where it started. They engaged in phone calls, then texting & sexting. This woman lives in another state, but that doesn't help minimize the hurt I felt. What bothered me initially was the sheer volume of texts. Now keep in mind my husband has a job, whether or not this woman does, I dont know, but there were some days were there over 100 texts..minute after minute after minute... It was like nothing I'd seen before. Seemed almost obsessed on both accounts. I've never imagined my life without him, even despite our occasional indifferences, but this is turning out to be more than I can bare. I'm not handling it well at all. I feel worthless and rejected and I did nothing wrong. I made a choice to not make him leave and decided I wanted to make this work. I'm concerned that he was probably addicted to her (vice versa), to the newness, to the excitement, to everything and wonder if he can shut it off just like that. He said he will because she meant nothing (how classic) and that he did not love her in anyway and never saw himself with her like that. Then of course he added insult to injury when he said that she was more attractive than I was. Men are such jerks. He showed her things that were supposed to be our special things, and now that they're not just for us, how do we get past that and make new special things. I don't know how to let go of the fact that his every waking minute from the time he left the house until the time I walked in the door from work, was consumed by her. I know i've got to acknowledge it and move on and try not to make HER a topic of everyday conversation, but it's so hard. I thought I was this tough person who could handle anything, but he destroyed everything that I thought was safe and real. How do I get that back? How do I let him win me back without constantly comparing what he's doing with or for me to what he did with and for her?? We're taking it one day at a time and have made plans to spend some time alone this weekend. I'm hoping that he can overcome her and chose to love me again.
mitchielaw mitchielaw
36-40, F
2 Responses Apr 6, 2011

i totally feel your pain. im in that exact spot right now. our stories are very similar. how can these ***** have anything to do with a married man? cant they find one of their own? why are they so weak that they cannot come to us with their issues and try and talk it out? im still angry and hurt, not sure if that will ever fade. try to work it out that u are happy and not just making him happy. if he is sorry, he will show u he is. let him work for it. bless u

LET him win you back? Get serious. First, he must "get" how much damage he's done. Then he must be COMPLETELY open and willing to explain where he is and what he's doing every minute of every day. <br />
Humans have an incredible ability to feel guilt when they are not guilty at all. <br />
That is not to say that you have not contributed in some way to problems in the relationship. Is it possible for the two of you to receive counseling or therapy?