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I've Forgiven, But I Need Help Forgetting.

i've been with my boyfriend for a little over a year in a half, and let me tell you, i knew exactly what i signed myself up for when i met him. i knew everything about him, his situation, his ways, and still fell head over heels in love the moment i had an opportunity to introduce myself to him. he has a son with another woman, and i was once friends with her and knew exactly she wasn't the best mother figure out there. they both were disastrous together, constantly hurting each other so they ended far before i got with him. i normally would never interfere with that kind of situation and just be a passerby, but this guy in my eyes is truly something. he's different from my kind and i wanted nothing more then to be with him. our relationship isn't exactly a normal love story. i moved in with him just a few weeks after our first time meeting each other. only because he lived a while away from me and i got tired of making a trip everyday to be with him so he offered me to stay. we hooked up the first time we met, and i just kind of never left which is kind of sad but funny. but since that happened, he didn't take our relationship serious the first few months while i did. he cheated on me numerous times with me finding out about every single time and came to terms with it. i'm a pretty patient person, so i decided to just let him grow and realize everything i already knew. so we got over that first few mistakes and got more intimate emotionally. things were better than ever once he realized i wasn't just a girl he could have sex with whenever he wanted and he could do whatever he pleased without any consequences. his baby mama didn't like that at all and i tried my best to understand where she was coming from. she has a baby with him and thought that he would stay around so she could have a family. when in all reality, things don't quite happen like that nowadays. so i took him once a week to see his son without thinking much of it. i knew the hate he had for her. the way she talked to him was so gut quenching that i built up quite that hate for this woman. she was keeping her son away from him because things weren't what she wanted it to be. i talked to her maturely and told her that i understand that they had a kid, and i wasn't going to prevent them from raising him together without being together. but you can't talk maturely to someone who has a IQ of a 12 year old and has no respect for herself or anyone else. so she asked him to stay the night on a holiday so he could be with his son and wake up with him. my mistake was that i let him, which happened early in our relationship so i was trying to just be nice and not already hold him back and be that kind of girlfriend who complains. and later on, i see she posts stuff on her social networking saying how she misses her family. that threw a red flag. i knew she wanted him back so bad and told him my concerns but he reassured me he was never going to ever be with her. so i continued taking him over there for a few hours of the week. this went on for months, till we were all drinking one night and i see him text her something that hurt me. he said he missed her, so i stirred up a fight with him. he kept being so defensive when i assumed things were going on between them so i guess i didn't see anything wrong. i'm sorry i'm not explaining the story well, this all happened in a span of months. anyways, he went out of town for a month or so for work and was left alone. so in order for me to cure my loneliness, i got myself a second job. i already worked full time at one place so i took on a job that worked me midnight shifts. so i was working 20 hours a day, only having a nap in between jobs. i worked constantly till i decided enough was enough and i went up and visited him. things were beyond amazing. i only got to spend a short amount of time but i felt like our relationship took another turn, a turn for the good because we have never been apart for more than a day since we've gotten together. so when i came back home, i quit my second job and continued working till he joined me back at home for good. our relationship was golden. we were so happy together, till he baby mama started more **** with him about how he's never there for her. she even said along the lines that he wasn't a father, just a ***** donor. i had to deal everyday with the depression she caused. he tried and tried getting to where he could see his son whenever he pleased but she wouldn't let him take his son anywhere unless she was involved. i was never allowed around him. i was never allowed to see the happiness his son brought to him because of her worries of him calling me mom. so once again, i was a good girlfriend, and let him to as she pleased just so he could see his son. we started fighting more because of the way he would act towards me because he was depressed. i was getting the wrath of his frustration towards her. of course i didn't make anything better by not sympathizing with him but being defensive to stand up for myself. it was that way for a while, even on our  one year anniversary. he realized the way he treated me wasn't how i deserved, because i have done nothing wrong so he made up for it. he made up for our anniversary being ****** by having a two day celebration. the day after our celebrations, i was just being selfish because his son's mother wanted him to spend all day with them and i told him i didn't feel comfortable taking him there much because i knew she still wanted him to step up and be a father (in her eyes) and leave me to be with her. so she could be happy, not so much thinking about their son but herself. and then he hit me with everything. he confessed of sleeping with her the whole time me and him have been together. sleeping with her to trick her into thinking that he wanted to be back with her so he could see his son more and make things easier on him. i have never been broken down and shattered like that in my entire life. i tried leaving him, but my family and friends only have seen the love we were in. i didn't want to make them see the other side of us. i didn't want their judgement. so i decided that we have potential to be the couple we both want to be, but i'm still hurting. it's been months since he told me and i break down weekly. he told his baby mama that he has told me everything and she took it as that he has chosen me over his son. which in reality, he chose me over her. she can't get over it and continues to hold his son against him because of me. so we're going to court for it to solve that problem so he would never have to face her, or she couldn't hold his son from him ever again.

i was so confused. they expressed they hated each other so much and everyone knew it. but decided to go and do something like that because they thought since words don't make things any better, maybe sex will. i have been nothing more but a patient and loving girlfriend. he continues saying sorry and regretting everything to this day. i'm trying to be the strong person that i know i am and see past everything and start new, but my heart continues breaking everyday. i trick myself into thinking it was a dream and we would have good days, but i break down when things get intimate or things aren't the way things should be. 

so i got desperate and turned to this website hoping for some advice. leaving him would make things worse for the both of us because we have fought so long to be with each other, and my love for him is more than i can explain. i told my mother everything because she is the only person i can trust with a honest opinion, and she gave him props for being honest with me. she explained to me that it takes a lot of love for someone to be honest, especially if it could jeopardize a relationship. so i can see where he loves me and wishes he could take away all my pain. 

so i'm asking for some help. help me see something that i haven't already. i know it'll take me a while to get over everything, but i need someone to just reassure me that this pain will go away and things will be up to par like they should be.
brokenwithhope brokenwithhope 18-21 1 Response Oct 19, 2011

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Pain goes away of course, troubles never last forever. Hurt always feels better again. It feels amazing too. <br />
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Gaining trust helps make it all better. Your boyfriend will do whatever it takes to fix your rocky relationship. True friends last a life time, make each other happy, support each other and always will be there to talk. If your bf is your best friend you will know it and it will be the only reason you would ever know its real. Everything he does for you to feel better is what should keep you together. <br />
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I been cheated on and its been since last May/June. I feel so much better. (FINALLY hehe) Also communicating and being honest to each other will bring you so much closer and it will feel so good. <br />
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There are times you have to know that you can't allow people to hurt you because your only hurting yourself. <br />
I've learned you cannot just "LET GO" you can never let go of pain inside you learn to live with it and it fades away everyday. What helped me was helping others in this same situation. It really works. So good luck!<br />
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Self respect! All of this had given me that.. :) so be happy and do what's good for you first then to the ones you love :)